Crash, Burn, Replace…Repeat

In some ways, this blog and these entries, are intended to bring about what Chambers writes/speaks of in this entry.  In some ways my hope has been to use this blog for accountability.  To that end, I have invited the world into the interior of my life, with all the weaknesses and failures found there.  At the same time, I hope this opens me up more to my Master’s work in me.

 

So, last night I ignored my limits I call middle-circle boundaries, and flirted with my addiction.  The actions and thoughts were both preceded and followed by a rather nice time with my Master.  Clearly the preceding one didn’t have the effect I would expect, so clearly there was something wrong there.  I was tired and everything, so why go into a sort of behavior that would keep me awake?  This is the sort of thing that makes any sort of behavior like this crazy.  It is totally devoid of reality living or thinking.

 

I think there was a point in the time with my Master as I was drifting off to sleep where I mentioned fighting my threatening depression by doing what I don’t want (like going to a 12-step meeting tonight), and not doing what I do want (like giving into my addictive thoughts and behaviors).  I think that in the process I blamed my depression, and that was the go-ahead; it wasn’t my fault, I can’t help it, and so it is okay. 

 

It is my fault, I can decide not to, and it’s not okay.  Let me just say that, because I can easily blame my struggle on depression.  I believe I have a weakness, in that my brain has a propensity to over stimulate AO activity (the chemical imbalance that brings on depression).  The anti-depressant is an AO inhibitor, and these usually are used for a time, but sometimes, a long time.  But this can’t be my excuse.  My depression is not so debilitating that I can’t function or think.  I can fight it, but it is a fight I’m not used to winning, and that is probably my biggest hurdle. 

 

Fighting depression is done through doing what I do not “feel” like doing.  Fighting the lethargy that comes through depression is one important way to fight depression.  The fight is not hard in any other sense than that it wears me out.  Rejuvenation comes from my Master and His Spirit, so that should not be a problem, but it is.  Perhaps at some point I will be so immersed in Him that it won’t be, but I’m not there yet.

 

That is one thing I do to fight my depression, but there are others.  One symptom is anger, another is an abundance of emotion, another is a tendency toward resentment.  So there are are several things I need to do to fight against this problem, but none of them are that complex or particularly difficult.  What makes these symptoms difficult to fight is that another symptom is a lack of energy, and that not only makes it hard to fight the depression but works to perpetuate it. 

 

This is why an antidepressant is very helpful.  I’m not at a point where I can do all that.  It overwhelms me and I collapse under it.  I hope at some point I will be able to fight it, but I have no power to do so now.  My only hope is to admit my weakness, and reach outside myself for help.  The piece that helped me begin my months of success was admitting I could not do this, that I have this weakness, and that I need something to help.  It was dramatically helpful.  But it is not a permanent solution. 

 

Since depression is not “reality” thinking but distorted thinking, the element that Chambers talks about today, letting the world and my Master into my life, is really important.  The presence of others forces reality back into my mental matrix.  The distortion requires a single perspective or view of my life.  So a 12-step program is a great option for fighting this depression.  My hope is that such a program will provide the spiritual discipline I need to eventually live without antidepressants.  I suspect there will need to be other things as well, but the 12-steps  are designed to realign my mind with my Master’s; repentance.

 

In the past, practicing the steps always brought on the problems I was trying to fight against in my depression.  It brought on the emotional and spiritual crisis I was keeping at bay through my addictive “management”.  I think I am better able to face that crisis and work through it, but with the help of an antidepressant.  What I hope happens is that, on the other side of the crisis, I find the practice of getting through it equips me to do the same thing without the antidepressant.  It may take a couple of times of “practice” to get to the point where I can get through the crisis without the chemical help, but I hope that is where I get to.

 

The reason this solution appeals to me so much is that it will not be a solution that is from me or my ability.  No other solution so focuses on what my Master can do in me than the 12-steps.  They don’t work when it becomes about what I can do, or a “formula” I can process.  They work when, in sequence, I submit all my garbage to my Master and let Him replace it with Himself.  I jettison my expectation of self-management, I focus on my Master, I take the walk of shame as I inventory my failures, I lay those out as a display for the world and my Master, I strive to let them go and surrender them to my Master, I invite those I have hurt into the process, and then I continue the process of examination and confession.  It is not a process of my achievement of anything but reduction before my Master.  The success of this process stems entirely from the fact that my Master lives, He works in me, and He remakes me into His image as I disassemble my props and facades.

 

So here I go into another day, but I suspect the ending will be different.  I have invited in the world so that my distorted thinking will collapse, and reality will return.  Be sure to point out the distortions as you pass through, but please don’t touch them.  Pointing them out helps to make them disappear, there’s no need to carry them out with you.  These are mine, I’m sure you have plenty of your own.  Distortions are not something I should share well with others.  There’s a dose of reality as you leave, help yourself to plenty of that; no trick, sometimes a treat.

 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 1

Faith With Weakness

From earlier posts, Chambers seems to see the daily grind of life as the place that faith is built and practiced.  Here he puts the test into dramatic events.  Dramatic events are where the character of God is obscured or possibly made invisible and the question is whether I will continue to believe in His divinely revealed character described in Scripture.

 

The three Hebrew men in Daniel before the furnace are one example.  The trial of Job is another example.  In both of these examples, there was no assurance or voice of God to assure deliverance.  Each of these had to come to terms with not being delivered and still holding on to their faith.  That’s a test.

 

I have run out of some things I take everyday, two prescriptions for conditions I have.  One of those conditions I had hoped would be temporary, and I could just fade off the stuff and it wouldn’t be any big deal, no one would notice.  Nope.  It shows.  I really do have this weakness, and I really do need a drug to help me fight my depression.  I go to the doctor tomorrow, so it’s no big deal.  But it does show me that the submission I needed almost a year ago I still need.  That’s not what I had hoped for, but it’s what I suspected.

 

That is not a test of faith.  Such a revelation is not a time of not seeing the qualities of my Master but still needing to believe.  Instead, it’s a test of my pride.  I have a weakness, but am I willing to submit to it?  There is a problem with me that affects my mind, am I willing to admit such a thing?  It has been a week, and my emotions have been all over the place, and now I am struggling with sleeping, getting up in the morning (I seem more tired), the anger hasn’t showed up yet, but with being tired, it’s just a matter of time.  The frustration riding below the surface is ripe for me since my job jumped into hyper-speed last month.  I’ve started eating emotionally again, and I have a slight weight gain.

 

I suppose I could wait for more symptoms, but why?  If other indications are here, do I need to crater before I admit my weakness?  Why would I do that?  It’s not a test of my faith, of my belief in the qualities of my Master when I bring myself to the brink, threatening to jump over.  It’s a test of my pride, my willingness to submit to my Master’s wisdom in making me as I am, not as my ideal would be.  The way He has made me requires dependence and submission to Him.  The way I want to be looks good to others.  I show strength and love the attention.  I already know that is way of death, it stinks of it.  Why would I find that path attractive still? 

 

I am truly one sick puppy still.  I am still totally dependent upon my Master, His grace, His mercy, and His power.  I am what He has made me, with all the weaknesses that direct me to Him.  I am in need of a Savior still.  That is who I am, and who I remain.  Now, allow me to speak of Who has made me this way.

 

The Master of the universe makes stars even now.  He expands the reaches of the universe beyond the human ability to measure, and yet traces the patterns of the invisible material making up sub-atomic particles.  He defies human desires to reach beyond the planet they live on with a force we cannot live without, nor replicate effectively enough to take with us from earth; gravity.  He has trapped us here, yet allowed us to look out on His creation, given us minds to consider it, wonder about it, and think about its origins.  It points to Him, and He uses it as one of many markers of His presence and power.  In His desire for His human creatures, He made it possible where we could not, to relate to Him passed the inherent nature of rebellion against Him.  He did so by paying the requirement of His awesome wrath through Himself, the Son.  He took on Himself the penalty required by His holy nature and formed the only way we can relate to Him.  He went to this extreme for His human creatures in spite of the continued rebellion we perpetuate in His presence.  He sacrificed His Son for us, and we treat with contempt such an action on our behalf.  And still He loves us.  Still my Master calls to us, still my Master reaches out to this world which tries in vain to bite His hands filled with peace and love.  The creatures looking out on His vast creation and seeking to see the infinite dimensions of the building blocks of matter, matter that together lives, all are in rebellion against Him as feral beasts little better than the beasts they study.  And yet He loves still, He does not repent the sacrifice made, He does not retract His outstretched hand.

 

So, what, will I rail against the One who made me with my weakness?  Will I cry foul because I’m not what I think I should be or not what I want to be?  How can I believing the previous paragraph?  What’s the problem not solved by His outstretched hand?  Where is the room for pride or self-righteousness?  What else can I do besides reach for His hand and accept what He has?  If that gift does not cure my weakness, I will boast it that weakness because it has forced me into the lap of my Master.  I will point to His grace which is sufficient, that makes any weakness trivial, that shows off more what my Master can do and His power more than anything I can do without power.

 

Jesus is my Master, He loves me, He has my back, and I am at His service.

 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 31

One of My Weaknesses

“I am weak, but Thou art strong,” starts my life’s theme song.  Jesus keeps me from wrong not my own ability, knowledge, strength, or even my own will.  I am weak.  He is strong.  But can I, or will I, be satisfied as long as I walk close to Him?

Jesus called His disciples to Himself and told them to go.  But the first words were not “go”, but rather, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.”  It was a statement of fact.  It is still true.  He has the authority over me, and anything I choose besides Him is rebellion.  It sounds crazy, but that includes myself, my family, my job, or anything else in my sphere of experience.

All authority has been given to Him, so nothing else is supposed to have authority in my life.  But stuff does.  I feel emotions, and as a guy, I have little or no idea what to do with them, or even what they are.  I have to consciously inventory my emotions before they become manageable.  How sad is that? (which is an emotion by the way)

But I have also found that there are elements to me that are not emotion, but something else.  I have physiological problems, and one of them includes depression.  I thought depression was emotional, but for me, it’s chemically driven.  Not driven by chemicals I take, but those loose in my brain.  An excessive amount of neurotransmissions clutters my mind, but also drives my emotional state down.  Those aren’t thoughts, at least not conscious ones.  I’m not sure what they are, but they aren’t good.  So, I take a medication for them.  I don’t think it’s able to keep up though.

Right now, I am in depression, emotionally, and probably physiologically.  I feel it, but can’t tie it to normal daily life.  There are things in my life out of my control:  I have a niece and her husband who are experiencing a severe trial of their faith.  My wife’s aunt is dying.  These things play at my mind, seeping into and through my thoughts, and I am sad.  For me, these things are dangers I must be aware of and deal with.  I can’t afford to ignore the signs.  I must weep, whether it’s manly or not.  I must grieve and that is a process not just one feeling.  I must feel these emotions or they will destroy me.  (that sounds dramatic doesn’t it?)

I don’t mean that I will die from them, I mean that all that my Master has done in my life lately will become undone.  I’d have to start over, which is not the same as being destroyed, so I was being overly dramatic.  I can start over, or rather, my Master begin again with me.  But this time in my life is no surprise to my Master, he engineered the setting I would experience it in.  He engineered the timing, the resources available to my family, and the new found devotion to Him.  I am living now more than I have in a long time.  And so, now I must feel as I have never felt, experiencing emotions to a degree I have avoided my entire life.

Experiencing emotions is not being ruled by them, but rather it is an immersive experience.  It is when I don’t experience them intentionally that I am ruled by them unintentionally; at least for me anyway.  But, since I haven’t a lot of practice at this, I fumble around with it.  I don’t know how to do it really, I just try to figure it out.  I have a busy morning, but a free afternoon.  And now I have an important task.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 14

How Does God Treat My Depression?

Today, Chambers uses the example of the angel's treatment of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 as an example of how God treats the depression of His people.  I'm not sure this the best example since his curative is when the angel tells Elijah to arise and eat.  The rest of the story does not seem to indicate that this worked for Elijah.  When he arrived at the mountain of God, he still seemed depressed.  Perhaps he was cured when God corrected his assessment from him being the only believer left to there being over 5000 in Israel.  He at least got a job, or rather marching orders in his current job.

Chambers is careful to point out that it is not doing the ordinary things that cures depression, but rather doing them in response to the prompting of the Spirit of God.  So, if Elijah had just gotten up and had breakfast at the local diner, he wouldn't have experienced the same level of success in overcoming depression.  Again, I'm not sure I would connect the two.  Or, if I did, it would be because it is contact with God which has the real effect.

I have had to use an RO Inhibitor to fight depression.  As it turns out, I have a predisposition to depression (isn't that depressing?).  I have to be very aware of my emotions so I can take action before I spend too much time there.  Times of depression are natural, and God created people with that capacity, but remaining there for extended periods of time is harmful.  My issue is compounded by not believing I have a right to be depressed so I don't quickly admit it, and then I make excuses for my symptoms after normal circumstances have resolved themselves.  Denial is one of my really bad habits.

So, how do I climb out of the pits of depression naturally occurring in this messed up world?  While my Master created me with the capacity for being depressed, I do not believe He created me to spend a majority of my life there.  How do I respond appropriately to life circumstances, avoiding denial on the way in?  And once there, how do I avoid denial so I can hear my Master's voice leading me out?  Have you ever been asked how far you can travel into the woods?  Half way, after that you are on your way out.  But half-way is often my favorite campsite.  When I am particularly stuck, I may call that campsite home.  That's a whole host of problems, not the least of which is where to go to the bathroom.  The normal debris of life pile up and compound the problem.

It is at this point that I believe Chambers has a good point.  The Spirit of God does connect with me, leading me to do the normal thing.  My inner spirit may rail against that with a litany of excuses, and one of my favorite is, "I've already tried that."  But it is the practice of obedience that transforms my ordinary actions into spiritual disciplines.  With that new aspect, washing dishes becomes a point of reflection of Jesus' telling the Pharisees to wash the inside of the cup, not just the outside.  Driving becomes an example of being careful without an expectation that people be polite; accepting the world as it is, not as I would have it (as in the complete serenity prayer).

The point is not the activity, but rather my obedience.  That is what changes the focus from my emotional pit to my connection with my Master.  It's not that I am somehow magically lifted from the pit, it is more that the pit becomes a prayer closet, and eventually I am shown the door.  But in the mean time, I am communing with my Master in a dark and intimate place.  I meet Him and He meets me.  We share, and I come off much better (He is so much better company than me in my depressed state, trust me).  I am transformed in much the same way normal communing with God transforms, but there is something compressed and powerful about these times.  As an example, this blog is one of the things that has come out of my last "pit-y party".  So, thank you for being a part of my therapy.

Dejection, Depression, Disappointment, And Disillusionment; What's De or Dis About?

The two on the road to Emmaus were sad.  Luke tells us that they were talking over the weekend's events as they walked, and were clearly sad.  Jesus meets them and their eyes were kept from seeing Him.  Was it the sadness that kept their eyes from seeing or the Lord Himself?  He asks, they recount the events, and finish up with their hope that He would redeem Israel, and that three days have passed.

I typically zip right by the setting, and dive into the desire to hear how Jesus started with the Law and Prophets to recount how the Scriptures foretold these things.  I miss a point here by doing that.  What can I learn from their depression?  I have struggled with depression to the point of using anti-depressants to climb out of it.  This is a very personal lesson for me.

What I already know of depression is limited, but the basics are as follows:  1) People respond differently to depression, especially between genders.  B) Prolonged depression creates a chemical imbalance in the brain that forms a pattern which will cause the condition to continue beyond the initial cause.  III) Restoring the chemical balance is only a partial cure; freeing the person to deal with the initial cause(s).

I bottomed out depression-wise immediately after leaving the ministry.  I cratered, and spent three-years inside that crater.  It wasn't pretty for my family or myself.  On the way out, I learned that I am prone to depression, need to take special care to detect it early, and treat it immediately.  But does this pattern also show that I am not trusting God?  Does my response to these sad situations indicate that I had hoped in vain?  Can hope in God be in vain?  Or is it the timing which I impose on God that is the problem?

Hope in the Hebrew Scriptures is an interesting word.  There is one which implies expectation of fulfillment, and one that does not.  Typically, when referring to God, the implication is expectation of fulfillment.  Abram hoped, and waited 12 years between God's declaration of a promise, and the next revelation of the process.  He was already old, his wife barren, and no indication on the horizon that God was even listening to his prayers.  Or was there?  I am not certain I could hold out my expectant hope for 12 years.

If my disappointment and disillusionment are signs that I am not resting in God's provision AND timing, then when these markers show themselves I must respond.  I must take my feelings to God, and submit them to Him, allow Him to delve beneath to the underlying fears, excavate the self-centered and self-reliant pollutents, and allow Him to plant and cultivate new faith.  Ouch.  Just the thought of being "plowed ground" makes me cringe. 

The feelings are the signs, not the failure themselves.  They are not the problem, but the symptoms of problems beneath.  They follow thoughts, assumptions, and underlying belief.  And those can either be rooted in my own abilities and desires, or they can come from faith in the Great God, Creator and Sustainer of the limitless Universe.  My choice.  Why do I choose the lessor, base, fragile, and silly option so often? Especially knowing that I succumb to depression so easily, I would hope I would work harder to avoid it. 

So, my daily spiritual discipline must include some phrases.  In prayer, I begin with "You love me, and You have my back."  I then continue with "I will walk before You, please make me blameless." And then I let my mind wander over the vastness of His works, marvel in the power of His creations, and intricacies of His attention to the smallest details.  All this does is provide a setting for my day, a context for the trouble in it, and a sense of perspective as I evaluate the things I encounter during it.  It doesn't remove trouble, it removes fear.  It does not provide safety, but assurance that I am safe.  It doesn't make me happy, but grounds my joy in the freshly plowed ground of God's gift of faith.  And with that, I am more available to my Master, and less distracted by my fears, my selfishness, or myself.