The Meaning of Tears

When the lad was gone, David rose from the south side and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed three times. And they kissed each other and wept together, but David wept the more.  Jonathan said to David, "Go in safety, inasmuch as we have sworn to each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD will be between me and you, and between my descendants and your descendants forever.'" Then he rose and departed, while Jonathan went into the city. (1 Samuel 20:41-42 NASB)

The 'test' of Jonathan's father, Saul, did not turn out well.  Jonathan indicated it to David with a boy and arrows, and now they both know Saul is out to hunt down David and kill him.  Jonathan recognizes his position, his responsibilities, and what he needs to do.  It is never recorded that he ever goes out with Saul after David, in fact, he's not mentioned again until the final battle of Saul.  It is truly a sad parting.

The writer includes the detail that David wept more.  In the first part of the chapter, in the initial encounter and dialogue, it seems that David is actually upset with Jonathan.  Jonathan seems to be the one initiating a covenant, and even includes a comment that he not be killed, and that it include their offspring.  Because of that, I don't believe that David loves Jonathan more than Jonathan, but rather that Jonathan bears a greater weight at the moment.

Jonathan gave his stuff to the boy and sent him back into the city with it.  He knew he had to go back into the realm of his father.  He knew he had a life of responsibilities there that he could not ignore, and from which it would be wrong of him to leave.  I doubt he even thought it possible.  I suspect that, instead, Jonathan looked with a sort of dread upon his future and the future of his father's kingdom. 

With all the problems posed by a real enemy of Israel; the Philistines, Canaanites, even rogue Hebrews, the problem absorbing Saul was David; who was not a threat.  This does not bode well for Israel.  This is a misplaced focus, and it had to evident to all, but who would defy the 'emperor without clothes'?  The kingdom is about to descend into disarray and anarchy.  I suspect the weight of his vision of the 'train-wreck' coming weighed heavier on Jonathan than David's departure.

So, as I paint this circumstance (mostly in my mind rather than truly explained in Scripture - so mere conjecture) it seems to me that Jonathan is in a position where his faith enables him to see the problem (Saul obsessed with David to the detriment of the kingdom), but also that he is held in its path by his real responsibilities within the community.  In a sense, he sees his own doom.

I also note that this faith does override his 'responsibilities' on the military side as he never goes out with Saul after David.  He sees the inevitable 'train-wreck' but refuses to put more coal into the engine to speed things up.  He sees the inevitable 'train-wreck' but dutifully remains on the train where his responsibilities remain; perhaps he can alleviate some of the effects on the community by remaining.

I also suspect that I am reading into this some qualities of my own.  I have been accused of sticking with 'lost causes' to the bitter end; usually out of stubbornness.  That may be true.  Even in games, where the stakes were meaningless, I have done what I thought needed to be done regardless of what I knew they would cost me (okay, not 'meaningless' entirely, but not significant either).  I'm not sure why I do that or where I learned to approach things that way.  But I do.  Maybe Jonathan doesn't here.  But I still learn a lesson from him.

I am called (i.e. placed somewhere for something by my Master - there's a divine purpose) to where I am for this time.  I believe that my Master has called me here and now for some form of service, and I suspect that it has to do with a marriage mentoring program my wife and I are heading up.  At least I see that as a major part of His purpose. 

The program is lacking momentum, and the danger for me is look at it as a 'lost cause' or a 'waste of time'.  It's not.  The problems of my community require this service as part of any solution.  It is the time for this program, and this is definitely the place that needs it.  Through it I believe my Master can bring hope to a people and to a place without it.  It's just been hard to get people who initially said they want to be a part to communicate or keep it as a priority.  There are lots of reasons but the results are what have me concerned.

So, do I look at the situation and decide that what has people distracted (the stuff of daily life) has vanquished this service to the community?  Do I see a 'train-wreck' in trying to get this program off the ground?  Maybe, but I also see that by staying in it, I may be then available to my Master to make what He will with who He sends and with what He provides.  It will be a program about Him rather than me and my wife.  Jonathan submitted himself to the community, and his availability cost him his life.  I don't face any such sacrifice.  Instead, all that is needed is for me to continue in the path laid out by my Master and not 'jump ship (or trains as it were)' to some other program that I suspect has a better chance of success.  I truly think the light at the end of the tunnel is the glory of my Master rather than another train.  Time to pile on the coal!

The Essence of a King

1Sa 9:1-2
1 Now there was a man of Benjamin whose name was Kish the son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Becorath, the son of Aphiah, the son of a Benjamite, a mighty man of valor. 2 He had a son whose name was Saul, a choice and handsome man, and there was not a more handsome person than he among the sons of Israel; from his shoulders and up he was taller than any of the people.
(NASBStr)

God says that, while man looks at the appearance of a person, He looks at the heart. Often, though, His choices seem to coincide with what people look at, the appearance.

Here Saul's pedigree is excellent, of a favored tribe, son of a mighty man of valor. His appearance is excellent, tall, dark,  and handsome. He is the epitome of a king. But does he have the essence?

I have to go back to the fact he is my Master's choice. His heart must have held the essence of a king if my Master chose him. The story goes that Saul fails, but that is not because my Master chose poorly. The people agreed to Saul, they didn't chose him. Samuel only gives them one choice. The God of Israel chose Saul. So what happens to him is not a product of his appearance, nor is it his pedigree. His failure is not because he didn't have the heart of a king.

I have to accept that my Master's choices are right, regardless of what they look like on the front end, or on the backend. I can't judge my Master's choices or actions by 'pragmatic' standards either. Neither can I decide on what was my Master's will only by 'what works' as if only what succeeds in my mind is his will.

What I learn from Saul's pedigree and appearance is that what see on the outside can't be what I use to evaluate usefulness to my Master. Nor can I use their success or failure to determine whether they were called in the first place.

Paul's said that servants of my Master stand or fall in His eyes, not mine. And that my Master enables them to stand. If they fall, it's the servant's choices, not the choice of my Master on the front end. I need to understand that as I serve my church, and as I see myself. It helps to support my church leaders, and see myself as my Master sees me.

Called Out of The Desert? No, Not Right Now.

This entry unsettles me.  After eleven years out from ministry, the prospect that my Master may lead me back into it is unsettling.  I spent ten years gaining education, I spent two years in ministry after school, and have spent eleven years out of ministry.  Honestly, I would not be thrilled to be called back.  Church people are a lot more fun from the congregational side than from the platform.  And besides, I felt the call to the platform, not the personal engagement that makes up the bulk of pastoring.

If I’m herding sheep right now in the desert, then I would prefer to keep herding them rather than shepherd a different sort of flock.  But even as I write that I feel how wrong it is. It’s not about me, what I want, or whether I enjoy or wouldn’t enjoy ministry again.  It’s about obedience.  Now, I don’t sense a call back to ministry, but I cannot call myself a servant of my King if I restrict where I will be obedient.

The truth I have to accept is that whatever my Master calls me to is what He intends for me to do.  So, I will hesitate, test, wait, listen, and confirm anything sounding remotely like vocational ministry.  Of course, that’s not a bad method to employ in ministry either.  In fact whether in ministry or out, my life (and therefore any ministry I do) still isn’t about me.

This entry in MUFHH is more about allowing my Master to grow me into the person He can use for His purposes.  It is less about what His purposes may or may not be, and even less about what I want.  I’m sure my wife is pleased I don’t sense a call to return to vocational ministry, but I also know she’d accept it if I were called.  The question now is about my heart.  Am I willing to accept it if I’m called?

I suppose, if it were clear and unmistakable, I would go.  I might go kicking and screaming, but I would go.  No, I wouldn’t.  I would go with the foreboding of impending suffering though.  It’s part of the package.  I can’t care about people and not have them trample me.  It doesn’t work that way.  Caring means being trampled, whether by family or friends, or a group of fellow believers.  I suppose that my Master brings me through the same path He laid out while He was walking this earth; a path of being hurt by the very people you serve.

To sum up, okay, if I’m called I’ll go and suffer, but I’m not called yet.  Instead, today I have a day-long training via teleconference.  Hmm. Maybe I am called, or perhaps what I do now is ministry.  It’s suffering for sure.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 13

Am I Destined For More Than This? Is The Wrong Question

This has to be an entry made up of a lot more that was said by Chambers.  There has to be some pieces missing.  The initial ideal is the calling to be a holy one.  Then Chambers goes into a vision tested and proven in the crucible of the “valley” experience of yesterday.  His point today is that the vision does not become a reality until going through the valley, and that my Master doesn’t let me avoid it, but hunts me down.

In some sense I like the idea that my Master won’t just let me slink away from a vision He has given me.  On the other hand, I can’t help but wonder about leaving the ministry.  I believe it was the right, or at least necessary, thing; even now.  But now I question that assumption.  Part of what I’m struggling with comes from the context in which Chambers writes.  His is at a school for missionaries and that is his audience.  So he spends a lot of time on ministry-focused calling because that is what is at stake in that place.  So his context continually brings me around to consider my own.

I don’t know that I am called to be a phone-sales person for the rest of my life, but I do know several people who have been at the job I do for a very long time.  I’m not sure I want that or that my Master wants that for me.  But, on the other hand, I’m not sure He doesn’t either.  The situation I am in now does not provide a large degree of vertical movement within the company.  While I’m grateful to the company and my managers for the opportunity to do this, I don’t harbor illusions that I can manage some group remotely; unless it were a group of remote individuals, and we don’t have that yet.

But regardless of opportunities, the reality I need to focus on is the direction my Master has me in now.  Right now He has clearly placed me and my family in this place.  He has made every provision for us here.  So, I know that right now, He wants me to continue in this place doing what I already do.  Since I haven’t been told anything else so far, I will continue on that track.  The vision given so far is to be His holy one right here.  I have a wife and daughter I am to comfort and love, and I have a church in which to minister.  I have stuff to do.

I don’t need more, but if my Master leads to more, I’ll just need to be ready, and listening for His call.  I am content to be His servant in this situation and this set of circumstances.  I am content to wait on Him for whatever else He leads me to.  I will be content to take from His hand without grasping for more control and what I can make.

On the other hand, I don’t want to be that servant who buried his talent of silver.  I know that in what I have been trusted, I need to put it to work.  So, right now I will focus on being a good husband, father, church member, and employee.  I will not loose sight of what I have right here in my daily life looking for the possibility of more.  In this time and place, perhaps the valley of reality that Chambers refers to, I will be faithful to this vision and this calling.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 4

Shepherding Flocks in the Pasture

Once Peter feels the pang of grief over the third question, he is told a third time to guide Jesus' sheep to pasture.  Each of the three times is slightly different as are the questions about Peter's love for Jesus.  Each of the commands combines lambs and sheep, tending and shepherding.  Each command  is given after Peter claims to love Jesus.  Just as Peter's restoration of his relationship to Jesus required three questions to offset the three denials, it also required three commands, or commissions.  Just as each of the questions were repetitions, so were the commands.  The questions, answers, and commands all went together, and all were part of restoring Peter.

I doubt that Jesus really needed either the questions or the command, or the repetition for that matter.  I believe that He accepted Peter just as he was, staring into the fire, dejected, feeling the shame and pain of his denial of the One who was feeding him a fish breakfast.  I believe it was Peter who needed the questions, and the commands.  I think he felt neither fit for Jesus' company nor for leading the group of believers, let alone real lambs and sheep.  Jesus' countered each denial with a question and a command.  The three showed Peter that Jesus knew about Peter's denial.  Peter realized that "all things" included his three denials.  So Jesus knew and He still shared fish with Peter; He still asked Peter to tend the sheep; He still wanted a relationship with Peter.  I think it was that realization that caused the hurt for Peter.

For me, as I sit with them on the beach around the fire, feeling both the chill of the morning air, and warmth of the fire, I wonder what questions will Jesus combine with what commands.  Or will He work in a different way with the different person that I am to ensure that I know that He accepts me and still calls me to serve?  So, do I wander out into the pasture and begin guiding sheep?  Do I sit by the fire and listen for the questions and commands?  Do I begin my morning with the acceptance of Jesus' acceptance of me, and wander into work, through the maze of rush-hour traffic, and work with the fellow sheep in our pens (also known as cubicles)?  Is it the day I already have, or a new day with a new set of tasks?

Right now, it is the day I already have.  I wait, which means that things are not changing yet.  I wait on my Master, the One sustaining the vast Universe He has created and continues to create, which includes bowing before Him in reference (also known as worship).  I wait while living in my current circumstances, which means that I walk through these circumstances which make up my life in the presence of my Master, always aware of His proximity, constant attention, and care.  So the day rolls on, and the frustrations with my circumstances are to be set aside as the minor distractions that they are.  I am called out of my black-and-blue funk of self-deprecating shame into the bright orange, yellow, and white light of the glory of my Master.  "Matt, do you love me more than these?"  These feelings, not just the other people around the fire; these perceptions and imaginings; these repeated mental film reels of my failure; do I love Him more than these?  "You know I love You."  "Then, _______ ."  What goes in the blank?  Today, the blank is filled with...  I may need to get back to you on that one.

Reserves of Reservations

I continue to wait on my Master.  There is rumor of an offer on our house, but we have yet to see it, it's all verbal at this point.  It is low, the market is a nutty buyers market, and I am not happy with the offer as it is.  But I have no reason not to take the offer.  It wounds my pride, but the market supports the value of the offer.  The situation is not what I want, but it is what it is.  If the offer comes through, the buyer wants to close as soon as possible, putting us in an apartment or something plus storage.  That will probably more than double our housing expense.  Once school is out we then have to determine whether we leave the area or stay. 

So, I wait, worship, and walk before my Master.  It is hard to walk about before Him and not also look around me, but what I see around me frightens me.  It is all beyond my abilities, insight, wisdom, knowledge, financial resources, experience, best guesses, and imaginings.  Actually my imaginings fill in the gaps of all the other stuff with the monsters adorning the edges of ancient maps, "Here there be monsters!"  I know about as much about it as the early cartographers did.  I look at Jesus with something of the same silly limits as the woman at the well in John 4.  I see no bucket, no pot to draw with.  How can He give me this living water He speaks of?

I'm drawing from my limited stores to piece together what Jesus has to work with in order to meet my need.  Of course my stores are limited.  Of course it's not in me to achieve or make this happen.  And yet, I inventory myself, seeking those things that He will use to meet my need.  Chambers says that we do this because it offends us somewhat that the abilities of Jesus are so far above our own.  I suppose that is one way to look at it.  Another way to look at it is through the lens of my fear of what I cannot see.  I make up stuff, imagine the worst, bargain away my peace for "preparedness".  Yet how can I be better prepared than to be reliant upon the Master of the entire Universe?

I can't make the offer for more money, draw it out longer, or improve the attitude of the other real estate agent.  I can't change the state of my circumstances.  I can change my approach to them, I can change the lens through which I view them.  I choose to relax in Jesus' lap instead of fret about the things I cannot change.  I can walk about before my Master as if He has it all taken care of.  I can walk through these circumstances with the excited anticipation of what is around the next corner.  Rather than review my paycheck and that of my wife, and complain that we can't afford storage and an apartment, I can relax in the knowledge that what I don't have enough of, my Master has in abundance.  Rather than wonder what the loss of equity will mean for what we can afford later, I can rest in the assurance that my Master has just the right place at just the right price already in His mind.  I can look forward to seeing His resources make our ends meet.  I can wait with anticipation to see the housing He has in mind for my family.

Wait, worship, and walk before Him.  A hard calling with no end in sight.  But it holds the promise of peace, of joy, learning patience, the freedom to walk in goodness, to be gentle, kind, fearlessly love those around me as Jesus does, and mastery over my emotions.  I consider that a fair trade (actually I'm getting a pretty great deal! - shh, don't tell Him).