Every Decade or So

Now when Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to Abram and said to him, "I am God Almighty; Walk before Me, and be blameless.  "I will establish My covenant between Me and you, And I will multiply you exceedingly."  Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him, saying,... (Genesis 17:1-3 NASB)

Chapter 16 finishes by telling me that Abram was eighty-six years old.  Now, thirteen years later, God shows up again for a chat.  Thirteen years!? I'm not confident that my faith would hold out a full decade while I'm heading through my eighties and nineties waiting for God to fulfill His promise.  He made it clear to Hagar that Ishmael wasn't the "one", so...where is he?  And finishing out his nineties isn't where Abram wants to be when he has a child.  He probably looks back on the early years with Ishmael and would rather not repeat it, especially not now.

Well, while I'm very sure about the time, but the Scriptures also make it very clear that Abraham's "nineties" are not like what people endure or live like in their nineties now.  There's strength and "iron" in Abraham that is lacking in people of this modern time.  I believe the passage and others in Scripture make a good case for Abraham wanting Ishmael to be the promised one because he loved the boy very much.  While Abraham may complain that he's too old to have kids, later passages are not implying that's not the case, they state it plainly (Genesis 25:1-4).  So, his complaint had to do with something else.

So, I may not want to wait a decade through my nineties for a word from my Master, but can I really use the age as an excuse?  What about through my forties?  What about through my thirties or fifties?  The age really isn't the issue, it's the time.  Am I so patient that I can wait for a word from my Master?  Until then what do I do?  I live.  Really the only option while waiting is living out the life called to.  What was the last thing my Master asked me to do?  Wait, worship and walk before Him, sort of like what He commanded of Abraham here.

Even through the good strong years of my life (about 3 years right after I got out of the Army, after that, well...) I don't think that I would have been patient to wait for the next word from my Master.  I tend to get bored, get into trouble, and it begins to become all about me.  Really, it isn't even "patience" as much as steadfast faith that is the real issue.  Do I have the faith to stay the course He has laid out even when I haven't heard from Him in the last nine or thirteen years?

One of the common complaints I use for why I left ministry is that I never had a mentor to help me through the rough spots and avoid pitfalls.  But as I read this passage, where was Abraham's mentor?  The thing is, I really have no excuse where I can blame another, or blame the circumstances, or the "people" or anyone else.  I made the choice I made at the time believing it was the right thing to do.  It wasn't even a choice I made thinking that it was in my best interest.  What went through my head wasn't self-centered, it was removing myself from the place of distraction so God could get directly at them.  What I didn't understand is that God really doesn't choose to work that way.  The church failed anyway, families from there caused other churches to fail, ran into sin obliterating marriages, and disintegrating families.  I'm not sure I could have stopped that, but I certainly didn't succeed in enabling them to hear God better. 

Rather than ask whether or not I should have waited it out, what I need to ask now is what am I waiting for?  Is there a promise that my Master has given me that I'm holding out for?  Unfortunately, I'm not sure.  I suppose I'm really just waiting for the next thing, trying to be open to what that might be.  I believe I'm in a much better place to hear my Master than I have been before.  So, I suppose that, since my last marching orders were wait, worship, and walk before Him, I'll do that.  Since it's Sunday, the middle one should be easy, but Monday's coming...

Learning Patience From A Beagle

Happy Mothers Day!  This morning, I am up too early.  And I cannot go back to sleep partly because I am frustrated with my dog.  He will not take care of business when I take him out to pee and poo.  Every smell and every sound is a distraction.  He hates being leashed and is stubborn in resisting being led or being kept from wandering.  I spend way too much time waiting for him only to have him do nothing.  I have tried staying in one place.  I have tried moving from place to place.  He won’t do what I need him to do.  And then he pees on the carpet.  I’m about ready for a pair of beagle slippers at this point.

On the other hand, my Master leads me to good ground, and I don’t take care of business.  He has tried leaving me in one spot, and tried moving me around.  I resist being leashed, wanting to go where I want distracted by bright lights and movement out of the corner of my eye.  I do the right thing, but sometimes in the wrong spot.  I am sure that He has been about ready to make a pair of Matty-slippers at times.  But He doesn’t.

The patience which my Master displays with me is not an easy attitude to take on.  I have trouble with beagles and daughters.  I struggle with patience in traffic and with my wife.  But not with my Master, not yet.  It’s possible that, once we have moved, are without a house, without jobs, and struggling with financial fears, I may loose my patience with my Master.  I did moving out here.  But I also came around to complete trust before He delivered security.  So, I know that, while in much of my life I do not “do patience”, with my Master I have reserves of it. 

And by processing my struggle with patience, I have released the tension from my frustration, and can barely keep my eyes open.  So, I’m headed back to bed.  I hope the dumb dog doesn’t pee on the carpet. 

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 8th.

Reserves of Reservations

I continue to wait on my Master.  There is rumor of an offer on our house, but we have yet to see it, it's all verbal at this point.  It is low, the market is a nutty buyers market, and I am not happy with the offer as it is.  But I have no reason not to take the offer.  It wounds my pride, but the market supports the value of the offer.  The situation is not what I want, but it is what it is.  If the offer comes through, the buyer wants to close as soon as possible, putting us in an apartment or something plus storage.  That will probably more than double our housing expense.  Once school is out we then have to determine whether we leave the area or stay. 

So, I wait, worship, and walk before my Master.  It is hard to walk about before Him and not also look around me, but what I see around me frightens me.  It is all beyond my abilities, insight, wisdom, knowledge, financial resources, experience, best guesses, and imaginings.  Actually my imaginings fill in the gaps of all the other stuff with the monsters adorning the edges of ancient maps, "Here there be monsters!"  I know about as much about it as the early cartographers did.  I look at Jesus with something of the same silly limits as the woman at the well in John 4.  I see no bucket, no pot to draw with.  How can He give me this living water He speaks of?

I'm drawing from my limited stores to piece together what Jesus has to work with in order to meet my need.  Of course my stores are limited.  Of course it's not in me to achieve or make this happen.  And yet, I inventory myself, seeking those things that He will use to meet my need.  Chambers says that we do this because it offends us somewhat that the abilities of Jesus are so far above our own.  I suppose that is one way to look at it.  Another way to look at it is through the lens of my fear of what I cannot see.  I make up stuff, imagine the worst, bargain away my peace for "preparedness".  Yet how can I be better prepared than to be reliant upon the Master of the entire Universe?

I can't make the offer for more money, draw it out longer, or improve the attitude of the other real estate agent.  I can't change the state of my circumstances.  I can change my approach to them, I can change the lens through which I view them.  I choose to relax in Jesus' lap instead of fret about the things I cannot change.  I can walk about before my Master as if He has it all taken care of.  I can walk through these circumstances with the excited anticipation of what is around the next corner.  Rather than review my paycheck and that of my wife, and complain that we can't afford storage and an apartment, I can relax in the knowledge that what I don't have enough of, my Master has in abundance.  Rather than wonder what the loss of equity will mean for what we can afford later, I can rest in the assurance that my Master has just the right place at just the right price already in His mind.  I can look forward to seeing His resources make our ends meet.  I can wait with anticipation to see the housing He has in mind for my family.

Wait, worship, and walk before Him.  A hard calling with no end in sight.  But it holds the promise of peace, of joy, learning patience, the freedom to walk in goodness, to be gentle, kind, fearlessly love those around me as Jesus does, and mastery over my emotions.  I consider that a fair trade (actually I'm getting a pretty great deal! - shh, don't tell Him).