Reservations About Resources?

The methods of my Master are indeed mysterious, but I would expect that from someone personally responsible for gravitational effects which exceed the discernible quantity of matter in the universe.  After all, if He can create massive bright stars from clouds of hydrogen, of course I would be unable to understand even the simplest of tasks He takes on.  Seriously, He baffles great scientific minds who have spent their entire lives looking at one small corner of His creation.  There can be no expectation that I could comprehend Him.  And truly, anyone looking for God should start somewhere about there anyway; looking for someone inexplicably powerful.

So, if I can leave aside His methods as beyond my understanding, should I then decide to inventory His resources?  Isn't that a bit like taking inventory at the Palo Verde Nuclear Power station looking for deficiencies?  How would I even know if it didn't have enough of something?  How about I just roll up my sleeves and use litmus paper to determine if the chemcial waste at Hanford has been all cleaned up?  I'll pass.  Yet in spite of being able to note and accept my inability to do these attainable tasks, I have no qualms about taking inventory of the resources of my Master.  As if I can survey the things He can use to help me, and spot those places where there is not enough for the task.  Sure, that makes perfect sense.  And yet I do it without even thinking.

I pray, "Master, if you can..." Really?!  How about, "Master, if you will..."?  That would make more sense.  While typing, I sometimes slip and captialize the "M" of "my" instead of "Master", and I imediately think, "was that really accidental?"  Perhaps my desire to be on the throne of my life leaks from the depths of my id through my ego and passed my super-ego and creates a puddle through which I pass and leave tracks all over my day.  When will I learn that only my Master can contain and transform my basest qualities into spiritual fruit?  When will I finally accept that self-control comes as a fruit of the Spirit of my Master, not of myself?

My resources are drawn from deep empty pits which may have been wells at one time, but were quickly exhausted.  The resources of my Master are from the limitless vastness of His glorious riches and power.  I can't reach it to see or touch it.  I can't indentify any of its various pieces to count it.  I can't pretend to understand even the barest minimum of the workings of any of it to assess its value or usefulness.  And yet I feel perfectly at home doubting that He has the resources to meet my needs.  I call it "wondering", but I and He knows better.  "I was just wondering, Master,..." is never a good way to begin speaking to the true Master of the Universe.  It flys in face of the very thing being done.  How can He be this Master of the Universe, and I truly believe that, if I am unsure of His resources to help me?  Which part of this doesn't belong in the picture? 

So, OK, He has the resources and I cannot qualify them or quantify them.  He has my interests at heart, and has condescended to be my Master rather than ignore me (which I probably would have done long ago).  He has called to me, commanding me to wait, worship Him, and walk before Him.  He has refused to meet my time schedule, my price point, and my preference of modes.  He continues to be quite content to baffle me and confound my attempts to "help" Him along.  As long as I do those things, hang onto those preferences, attempts to help, and grow weary of waiting I will have no peace.  The answer is to surrender my clipboard and pencil, shed the accountants tie, put away the financial ratio analysis tables, and enjoy the commands of my Master.  He didn't call me to audit Him, He called me to walk before Him.  I have no business in His warehouses (which I couldn't even reach anyway).  Pardon me while I go outside to play in the fields of my Lord.

Reserves of Reservations

I continue to wait on my Master.  There is rumor of an offer on our house, but we have yet to see it, it's all verbal at this point.  It is low, the market is a nutty buyers market, and I am not happy with the offer as it is.  But I have no reason not to take the offer.  It wounds my pride, but the market supports the value of the offer.  The situation is not what I want, but it is what it is.  If the offer comes through, the buyer wants to close as soon as possible, putting us in an apartment or something plus storage.  That will probably more than double our housing expense.  Once school is out we then have to determine whether we leave the area or stay. 

So, I wait, worship, and walk before my Master.  It is hard to walk about before Him and not also look around me, but what I see around me frightens me.  It is all beyond my abilities, insight, wisdom, knowledge, financial resources, experience, best guesses, and imaginings.  Actually my imaginings fill in the gaps of all the other stuff with the monsters adorning the edges of ancient maps, "Here there be monsters!"  I know about as much about it as the early cartographers did.  I look at Jesus with something of the same silly limits as the woman at the well in John 4.  I see no bucket, no pot to draw with.  How can He give me this living water He speaks of?

I'm drawing from my limited stores to piece together what Jesus has to work with in order to meet my need.  Of course my stores are limited.  Of course it's not in me to achieve or make this happen.  And yet, I inventory myself, seeking those things that He will use to meet my need.  Chambers says that we do this because it offends us somewhat that the abilities of Jesus are so far above our own.  I suppose that is one way to look at it.  Another way to look at it is through the lens of my fear of what I cannot see.  I make up stuff, imagine the worst, bargain away my peace for "preparedness".  Yet how can I be better prepared than to be reliant upon the Master of the entire Universe?

I can't make the offer for more money, draw it out longer, or improve the attitude of the other real estate agent.  I can't change the state of my circumstances.  I can change my approach to them, I can change the lens through which I view them.  I choose to relax in Jesus' lap instead of fret about the things I cannot change.  I can walk about before my Master as if He has it all taken care of.  I can walk through these circumstances with the excited anticipation of what is around the next corner.  Rather than review my paycheck and that of my wife, and complain that we can't afford storage and an apartment, I can relax in the knowledge that what I don't have enough of, my Master has in abundance.  Rather than wonder what the loss of equity will mean for what we can afford later, I can rest in the assurance that my Master has just the right place at just the right price already in His mind.  I can look forward to seeing His resources make our ends meet.  I can wait with anticipation to see the housing He has in mind for my family.

Wait, worship, and walk before Him.  A hard calling with no end in sight.  But it holds the promise of peace, of joy, learning patience, the freedom to walk in goodness, to be gentle, kind, fearlessly love those around me as Jesus does, and mastery over my emotions.  I consider that a fair trade (actually I'm getting a pretty great deal! - shh, don't tell Him).