I think my
brain is muddled this morning. I can’t
follow the comparisons and contrasts that Chambers uses. I think I get the difference he makes between
personality and individuality, but the “Savior” for “Son” contrast and the
comparison of John 8:36 and Galatians 2:20 I also didn’t follow. Then the “energized” versus “energy” insistence
part lost me. That last paragraph was full of stuff that I could not connect.
That being
said, there were things I did get, or at least I think I do. The capacity for my Master built into me is
something that I have tried to fill with all sorts of things, none of which worked;
in fact some were incredibly destructive.
One of them was shame, which I just stored and used to fuel much of my
behavior. Resentments, selfishness, the
resulting anger, and the absolute glut of shame were all things that I allowed
to clog my capacity for my Master. All
the time I was aware at some level that the capacity was meant for Him.
The
underlying issue I had to accept was a need for medical help. The stuff I had stored had affected me
physiologically, and that was reinforcing the problem. But I also have had to come to terms with the
fact that I have a natural tendency toward that physiological problem. Once addressed honestly, the reservoir could
be emptied, and made ready for my Master to dwell in. And He has come in. He has begun to cleanse me and purge me of
things that have needed to go. Now, I guess
He has brought me to the point where He can be more direct and somewhat harsh.
One thing
that has been a trait of mine for a long time is my habit of working out
thoughts while talking. So, I start one
place, and somewhere in the middle switch once or twice, ending up somewhere
completely different than where I began and often contradicting where I
started. It’s really confusing for
anyone listening to me so when I do it publicly I give the impression of not
being wrapped too tight. A compounding
problem is that I don’t always end up in the right place anyway. Just because I work through something
verbally, doesn’t mean I will come out in the right spot. So, I can be very confusing, and wrong.
Well I was
that last night in a study on Biblical versus Atheistic World Views. In discussions of philosophy it is really embarrassing
to be both disjointed and wrong at the same time. What happens is that rather than being
sensitive to my Master’s prompting, I wanted to appear smart. So, history is one of my familiar areas, and I
spoke up about that. But history
requires a context, and when I got muddled in the context, I lost my initial
point, and wound up somewhere else entirely, which was wrong, or least the point
was wrong, the information may have been right.
What’s even more embarrassing is that I’m pretty sure that even my
initial point was wrong, or at least incomplete enough to be valueless to the
discussion.
What I needed
was correction at that point so those around me were given something clear, and
the pastor supplied that perfectly. The result
was that I was embarrassed; a feeling I don’t have very often. It feels entirely different if I believe I haven’t
been heard or that I’m right and the others are not accepting it, and so
on. Those feelings are usually
frustration or derision; this was because I was wrong, and wrong
publically. It felt very different, and
it something that I believe my Master is using to shed more of what Chambers
would call my individuality and freeing my personality. Like I said, direct and harsh (not the
pastor, my Master), and just what I need.
Who would have thought I’d have to come 1400 miles to find it in a small
depressed town. Is my Master amazing or
what?
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