I’ve got a
lot of random, unrelated stuff swirling around in my head this morning, so be
patient. This entry from Chambers is one
I can relate to. The passage he uses is
the discussion between Jesus and Martha as Jesus is about to raise her
brother. The contrast between this
conversation and the one with Mary is interesting. Jesus has a deep theological discussion with
Martha and weeps with Mary. In fact
Jesus goes as deep with Martha as He did with Nicodemus, or even perhaps
deeper. And unlike the Pharisee, she
gets it. Her SAT scores would probably
have been off the charts.
Chambers
asks if I’ve been through something like that with Jesus, and as it turns out,
I have. My recent experience with my
Master has been somewhat like this except, not being as intelligent as Martha,
it took me much longer. I have
chronicled most of it in this blog, but the essence of the lesson was a
progression from an acceptance (not understanding) that Jesus loves me, He has
my back, and I am at His service. The
way it finally took hold though was when I accepted myself as having a problem I
could not manage without help, my depression.
It was one
thing to accept the love without understanding.
I had sought understanding for too long, it was time to accept. But even acceptance didn’t activate the power
of this truth in my life. I’m loved, as
I am, not as I try my best, or at the point I finally achieve some level of
spiritual maturity or breakthrough. I’m
loved to the extent of the life of Jesus, and I stand among a surging sea of
such people, also loved by this same Jesus.
That was step one, acceptance of His love. The second step addressed my fears.
I have spent
much of my life afraid. Sometimes I have
been afraid for my physical well-being (like on the playground with bullies),
but also of the acceptance of others. I
have lived a large portion of my life seeking and fearing the loss of the
acceptance of others. When I was in
school, K-12, it was fear of bullies, and I would avoid fights
(sometimes). After school was done and I
spent time in the Army, I no longer feared for my physical safety, but
acceptance was still a strong problem. I
wanted to be liked and accepted. It was
driven by a similar fear I had for my physical safety and totally centered on me.
By accepting
that my Master has my back, I have freedom from fear. Actually, I have freedom from fear to the
degree that I accept that my Master has my back. I use this “fear” as a monitor of my
spiritual condition, and quickly dive back into my Master whenever I find
myself dreaming of being physically powerful or safe. When I sense that, I know that I have left
the true safety of my Master. I have
left the focus on heaven and eternity and focused on this world and
myself. But it was the final part that I
am now in the midst of working out.
So what good
is it to be free from fear, and loved beyond understanding? These things bring a peace and freedom that
is not for relaxation and lounging around.
These truths free me to be available to my Master for His work. I refer to myself as a Knight of the Realm,
but also as Servant to the King. I don’t
feel like that very often, but service is at least half, probably the whole, of
my purpose. Whatever it means to be a
knight of Jesus in this world, even that role is service of some sort. This third realization brings purpose to the
other two, it actualizes them, makes them more substantial.
It may sound
strange, but when I refer to myself with the letters, KOTR SOTK, I’m not
bragging as much as using terms that describe something very common, just in a
different way. It’s not that I am these
things and no one else is. A lot of
believers see themselves as servants of Jesus.
A lot of believers understand themselves to be warriors against the
powers of darkness in the heavenly realms (warfare conducted mostly in prayer
by the way). So, I’m not unique, perhaps
dramatic, but I am also sensitive to the catharsis of drama. This is something my Master knows, probably
caused in me, and uses to His purpose as well.
So, my
lengthy process took over two years instead of a quick conversation in the middle
of the road to Bethany. I’m clearly not
as perceptive nor as capable of embracing the truth of Jesus as was
Martha. And Jesus is okay with that. He calls me and works with me anyway. He calls me silly things like “knight” and “servant”
and draws me into His plans for my community.
I don’t know what those plans are, and I don’t know what the end result
will look like. I only know that I need
to take another step once He reveals it.
Until then, I simply serve in the capacity I have now. So, it’s Sunday, and I need to get back at
it. Peace out!
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