Spiritual Growth Through Embarrassment: Not as much fun as you might think

I think my brain is muddled this morning.  I can’t follow the comparisons and contrasts that Chambers uses.  I think I get the difference he makes between personality and individuality, but the “Savior” for “Son” contrast and the comparison of John 8:36 and Galatians 2:20 I also didn’t follow.  Then the “energized” versus “energy” insistence part lost me. That last paragraph was full of stuff that I could not connect.

That being said, there were things I did get, or at least I think I do.  The capacity for my Master built into me is something that I have tried to fill with all sorts of things, none of which worked; in fact some were incredibly destructive.  One of them was shame, which I just stored and used to fuel much of my behavior.  Resentments, selfishness, the resulting anger, and the absolute glut of shame were all things that I allowed to clog my capacity for my Master.  All the time I was aware at some level that the capacity was meant for Him.

The underlying issue I had to accept was a need for medical help.  The stuff I had stored had affected me physiologically, and that was reinforcing the problem.  But I also have had to come to terms with the fact that I have a natural tendency toward that physiological problem.  Once addressed honestly, the reservoir could be emptied, and made ready for my Master to dwell in.  And He has come in.  He has begun to cleanse me and purge me of things that have needed to go.  Now, I guess He has brought me to the point where He can be more direct and somewhat harsh.

One thing that has been a trait of mine for a long time is my habit of working out thoughts while talking.  So, I start one place, and somewhere in the middle switch once or twice, ending up somewhere completely different than where I began and often contradicting where I started.  It’s really confusing for anyone listening to me so when I do it publicly I give the impression of not being wrapped too tight.  A compounding problem is that I don’t always end up in the right place anyway.  Just because I work through something verbally, doesn’t mean I will come out in the right spot.  So, I can be very confusing, and wrong.

Well I was that last night in a study on Biblical versus Atheistic World Views.  In discussions of philosophy it is really embarrassing to be both disjointed and wrong at the same time.  What happens is that rather than being sensitive to my Master’s prompting, I wanted to appear smart.  So, history is one of my familiar areas, and I spoke up about that.  But history requires a context, and when I got muddled in the context, I lost my initial point, and wound up somewhere else entirely, which was wrong, or least the point was wrong, the information may have been right.  What’s even more embarrassing is that I’m pretty sure that even my initial point was wrong, or at least incomplete enough to be valueless to the discussion.

What I needed was correction at that point so those around me were given something clear, and the pastor supplied that perfectly.  The result was that I was embarrassed; a feeling I don’t have very often.  It feels entirely different if I believe I haven’t been heard or that I’m right and the others are not accepting it, and so on.  Those feelings are usually frustration or derision; this was because I was wrong, and wrong publically.  It felt very different, and it something that I believe my Master is using to shed more of what Chambers would call my individuality and freeing my personality.  Like I said, direct and harsh (not the pastor, my Master), and just what I need.  Who would have thought I’d have to come 1400 miles to find it in a small depressed town.  Is my Master amazing or what?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 18

Being Taught By the Rabbi

I’ve got a lot of random, unrelated stuff swirling around in my head this morning, so be patient.  This entry from Chambers is one I can relate to.  The passage he uses is the discussion between Jesus and Martha as Jesus is about to raise her brother.  The contrast between this conversation and the one with Mary is interesting.  Jesus has a deep theological discussion with Martha and weeps with Mary.  In fact Jesus goes as deep with Martha as He did with Nicodemus, or even perhaps deeper.  And unlike the Pharisee, she gets it.  Her SAT scores would probably have been off the charts.

Chambers asks if I’ve been through something like that with Jesus, and as it turns out, I have.  My recent experience with my Master has been somewhat like this except, not being as intelligent as Martha, it took me much longer.  I have chronicled most of it in this blog, but the essence of the lesson was a progression from an acceptance (not understanding) that Jesus loves me, He has my back, and I am at His service.  The way it finally took hold though was when I accepted myself as having a problem I could not manage without help, my depression.

It was one thing to accept the love without understanding.  I had sought understanding for too long, it was time to accept.  But even acceptance didn’t activate the power of this truth in my life.  I’m loved, as I am, not as I try my best, or at the point I finally achieve some level of spiritual maturity or breakthrough.  I’m loved to the extent of the life of Jesus, and I stand among a surging sea of such people, also loved by this same Jesus.  That was step one, acceptance of His love.  The second step addressed my fears.

I have spent much of my life afraid.  Sometimes I have been afraid for my physical well-being (like on the playground with bullies), but also of the acceptance of others.  I have lived a large portion of my life seeking and fearing the loss of the acceptance of others.  When I was in school, K-12, it was fear of bullies, and I would avoid fights (sometimes).  After school was done and I spent time in the Army, I no longer feared for my physical safety, but acceptance was still a strong problem.  I wanted to be liked and accepted.  It was driven by a similar fear I had for my physical safety and totally centered on me.

By accepting that my Master has my back, I have freedom from fear.  Actually, I have freedom from fear to the degree that I accept that my Master has my back.  I use this “fear” as a monitor of my spiritual condition, and quickly dive back into my Master whenever I find myself dreaming of being physically powerful or safe.  When I sense that, I know that I have left the true safety of my Master.  I have left the focus on heaven and eternity and focused on this world and myself.  But it was the final part that I am now in the midst of working out.

So what good is it to be free from fear, and loved beyond understanding?  These things bring a peace and freedom that is not for relaxation and lounging around.  These truths free me to be available to my Master for His work.  I refer to myself as a Knight of the Realm, but also as Servant to the King.  I don’t feel like that very often, but service is at least half, probably the whole, of my purpose.  Whatever it means to be a knight of Jesus in this world, even that role is service of some sort.  This third realization brings purpose to the other two, it actualizes them, makes them more substantial.

It may sound strange, but when I refer to myself with the letters, KOTR SOTK, I’m not bragging as much as using terms that describe something very common, just in a different way.  It’s not that I am these things and no one else is.  A lot of believers see themselves as servants of Jesus.  A lot of believers understand themselves to be warriors against the powers of darkness in the heavenly realms (warfare conducted mostly in prayer by the way).  So, I’m not unique, perhaps dramatic, but I am also sensitive to the catharsis of drama.  This is something my Master knows, probably caused in me, and uses to His purpose as well.

So, my lengthy process took over two years instead of a quick conversation in the middle of the road to Bethany.  I’m clearly not as perceptive nor as capable of embracing the truth of Jesus as was Martha.  And Jesus is okay with that.  He calls me and works with me anyway.  He calls me silly things like “knight” and “servant” and draws me into His plans for my community.  I don’t know what those plans are, and I don’t know what the end result will look like.  I only know that I need to take another step once He reveals it.  Until then, I simply serve in the capacity I have now.  So, it’s Sunday, and I need to get back at it.  Peace out!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 6