When I began this blog, one of the basic principles was that it would be a place of accountability for me. This is partly why I have strenuously attempted to remain in the first person rather than "preach" to others. If others gain insight into their own lives, I pray it comes through my Master's use of these words rather than my efforts.
This week, my need for accountability is higher than it has been in a while. I will be mostly alone all day all this week. What I have learned from the past 19 (nearly 20) years is that I am not emotionally suited to being alone. I used to think I was fine alone, but I now believe that what had happened was the emotional pain of loneliness had become a callous. It wasn't until I was married and had someone around me 24/7 that I realized a contrast to being alone. Now, having this contrast, I believe I "crater" when I'm alone.
Fortunately for me, it is only a week. Also, I will not be alone all day, just during most of my work hours. That is good, but still very dangerous for me. I venture into evil when left alone, trying to "self-medicate" the pain of loneliness. It's dumb, sacrilegious, silly, preposterous, and down right idolatrous; but I still struggle against it, sometimes in vain.
What I need is light in the darkness of my alone time. There are several ways I can do this, but accountability is always a very effective one. Knowing that I am accountable to others for my actions helps me remember that my actions affect others, and they are not all about me. The pain I cause others is right in line with what my Master teaches me in His Scriptures, but I deny this truth to myself if I think I can "hide" what evil I do, thereby "protecting" those around me from it. It doesn't work. I know this, but have to "re-learn" it every time I fail.
So, each morning, I want to populate this page with a record of how my thought life has been the previous day and night. I want to record how my actions have been the previous day and night. I need to include not only the pieces with which I obviously struggle, but also the emotional things that often trigger these morose activities and thoughts.
So, today and tonight will be the subject of tomorrow's post. Tuesday will be reported on Wednesday, and so on. I will continue to post links to these entries on Facebook. Those of you who read these on regular or irregular basis will form my support group, my accountability group, my brothers and sisters in my Master's family. Let me thank you in advance for what you do for me in just being there, even if you don't read. But please do. You will find that you help me glorify my Master more, and experience His holiness more in my life by your simple act of checking on me through this blog.
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
A Little Alone Time, Without Lot
Now Lot, who went
with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. And the land could not
sustain them while dwelling together, for their possessions were so
great that they were not able to remain together. And there was strife
between the herdsmen of Abram's livestock and the herdsmen of Lot's
livestock. Now the Canaanite and the Perizzite were dwelling then in the
land. So Abram said to Lot, "Please let there be no strife between you
and me, nor between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are
brothers. Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me; if
to the left, then I will go to the right; or if to the right, then I
will go to the left." Lot lifted up his eyes and saw all the valley of
the Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere -- this was before the
LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah -- like the garden of the LORD, like
the land of Egypt as you go to Zoar. So Lot chose for himself all the
valley of the Jordan, and Lot journeyed eastward. Thus they separated
from each other. Abram settled in the land of Canaan, while Lot settled
in the cities of the valley, and moved his tents as far as Sodom. Now
the men of Sodom were wicked exceedingly and sinners against the LORD.
The LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, "Now lift up
your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward
and eastward and westward; for all the land which you see, I will give
it to you and to your descendants forever. "I will make your
descendants as the dust of the earth, so that if anyone can number the
dust of the earth, then your descendants can also be numbered. Arise,
walk about the land through its length and breadth; for I will give it
to you." Then Abram moved his tent and came and dwelt by the oaks of
Mamre, which are in Hebron, and there he built an altar to the LORD.
(Genesis 13:5-18 NASB)
I am on my own for a bit this week. So, indulge me for a moment while I project my loneliness onto Abram in this passage. When Lot left, was Abram lonely? I suppose anywhere from a quarter, a third, or even perhaps half of what was about Abram just up and moved away. Was he sad, and did he miss his nephew? In my imagination, he did; but mostly because I miss my wife today.
It would be ironic that after separating for strife that he would miss the "hubbub", but isn't that how it goes? My wife is off because she's taking her mom on a trip, so there's no strife involved. And I realize the reasons I miss her span from my love for her to selfish self pity (yeah, I have range...). So, my situation isn't really like Abram's except in the hole the person leaves in my life.
But for me, my loneliness has a duration of two more days. Abram didn't have that. He knew his separation was indefinite. Sure he might visit or perhaps Lot might visit, but they would never again be together like they were. The hole left is much larger, and not due to the size of the group that left, but due to the relationship lost.
It is in the midst of these emotions, however strong or weak they were, when God shows up and speaks with Abram about his descendants. Was it encouraging or sobering? Did Abram find comfort in being told that one day his children would possess the land he viewed from the hills of Beth-El? In response he goes to Hebron, builds another altar, and calls on the name of God. So, I would guess he responds positively to what he's told.
In these times of being alone, I seek to hear from my Master. Yet, my Master is Master even over communication. He doesn't necessarily speak what I want, when I want, in ways I prefer. Instead, He draws me in, not with words, but with the gnawing need in my soul for His presence. He may speak to me, but what I need is to walk about before Him, be in His presence, and seek His face. I need Him more than the blessings and more than a word from Him.
So, in the first light of this day, I enter the presence of my Master. I confess my short falls, and embrace His purification. And then I walk about in this day, but always in His presence. I walk before Him and strive to be blameless; not the easy road. I suppose I should start it with breakfast. A bowl of cereal sounds good; and eggs, yeah, and "green smoothie!" Hmm...
I am on my own for a bit this week. So, indulge me for a moment while I project my loneliness onto Abram in this passage. When Lot left, was Abram lonely? I suppose anywhere from a quarter, a third, or even perhaps half of what was about Abram just up and moved away. Was he sad, and did he miss his nephew? In my imagination, he did; but mostly because I miss my wife today.
It would be ironic that after separating for strife that he would miss the "hubbub", but isn't that how it goes? My wife is off because she's taking her mom on a trip, so there's no strife involved. And I realize the reasons I miss her span from my love for her to selfish self pity (yeah, I have range...). So, my situation isn't really like Abram's except in the hole the person leaves in my life.
But for me, my loneliness has a duration of two more days. Abram didn't have that. He knew his separation was indefinite. Sure he might visit or perhaps Lot might visit, but they would never again be together like they were. The hole left is much larger, and not due to the size of the group that left, but due to the relationship lost.
It is in the midst of these emotions, however strong or weak they were, when God shows up and speaks with Abram about his descendants. Was it encouraging or sobering? Did Abram find comfort in being told that one day his children would possess the land he viewed from the hills of Beth-El? In response he goes to Hebron, builds another altar, and calls on the name of God. So, I would guess he responds positively to what he's told.
In these times of being alone, I seek to hear from my Master. Yet, my Master is Master even over communication. He doesn't necessarily speak what I want, when I want, in ways I prefer. Instead, He draws me in, not with words, but with the gnawing need in my soul for His presence. He may speak to me, but what I need is to walk about before Him, be in His presence, and seek His face. I need Him more than the blessings and more than a word from Him.
So, in the first light of this day, I enter the presence of my Master. I confess my short falls, and embrace His purification. And then I walk about in this day, but always in His presence. I walk before Him and strive to be blameless; not the easy road. I suppose I should start it with breakfast. A bowl of cereal sounds good; and eggs, yeah, and "green smoothie!" Hmm...
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