Not Just Fearless, Regardless

But Peter and the apostles answered, "We must obey God rather than men. The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom you had put to death by hanging Him on a cross.  He is the one whom God exalted to His right hand as a Prince and a Savior, to grant repentance to Israel, and forgiveness of sins.  And we are witnesses of these things; and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey Him."

But when they heard this, they were cut to the quick and intended to kill them. (Acts 5:29-33 NASB)

First off, I did well yesterday in spite of the loneliness.  I faced it, but my Master gave me the strength to continue.  It didn't hurt that the job was busy beyond belief though.  Today is a new day, and I will succeed today as yesterday, in the strength of my Master.

Now, about these crazy apostles speaking to the assembly of the elders of Israel; are they NUTS?  So, as it says, the apostles were jailed and brought before the assembly.  This means that the collective memory of Jesus' ministry, teachings, actions, and sayings was standing in defiance to a group intent to kill them.  This is possibly the closest the early church came to extinction (at least as recorded in Acts).  They may have known this, but they seem to be oblivious.

How do they do that?  Some how, they arrived at the clear delineation of what constitutes their problem, and what problems belong to the Master.  This particular problem (facing boldly those who would kill them) was something they saw as belonging to the Master.  So, they didn't worry about it.  How simple!  How so crystal clear! How easy!  Easy?  I would love to say that I am often distracted by the wind and waves as my Master calls me out of the boat to walk on water; I'd love to be able to claim that.  Unfortunately, I'm often distracted by ripples and refracted light on the water.  To be able to stand with the assurance that all I need to do is obey, and the results (including my demise) are not my problem, that sort of focus I cannot claim.

Notice that this is not one of those places where the speakers are described as "filled with the Holy Spirit", just together.  They just were confident, bold, and totally in danger.  Or were they in danger?  Perhaps these twelve men saw their circumstances more clearly that I am.  Sure, on the surface the refracted light and ripples might indicate that they are close to the demise of the "Way".  But the teacher who stands and dissuades the assembly makes a good point, "... for if this plan or action is of men, it will be overthrown; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them; or else you may even be found fighting against God."

It is possible that the minor distractions of death and failure masked the reality of God standing to defend them.  After all, earlier it was the Angel of the Lord leading them out of the jail and commanding them to go into the temple and teach once more.  If God can rescue them while completely guarded by their enemies, was the movement truly in any danger?  They suffered a flogging, but was there really any possibility they might be killed?  Their protection and the sustaining of the Way were not their problems to solve.

How can I gain this assurance, this perspective?  The need isn't for a change in attitude, but a vastly different world view; one that clearly understands and lives out the things that are my responsibility.  I suspect that my distraction with those things that are not my responsibility are excuses for not accomplishing the things that are; as if I were distracted by "loftier things".  I need that view or perspective that sees only what is mine, and is able to leave my Master's things alone.  Perhaps it's time for some mental filing.  Let me gather my mental manilla folders.  This should "de-clutter" the old brain.

Return to a Basic Principle

When I began this blog, one of the basic principles was that it would be a place of accountability for me.  This is partly why I have strenuously attempted to remain in the first person rather than "preach" to others.  If others gain insight into their own lives, I pray it comes through my Master's use of these words rather than my efforts.

This week, my need for accountability is higher than it has been in a while.  I will be mostly alone all day all this week.  What I have learned from the past 19 (nearly 20) years is that I am not emotionally suited to being alone.  I used to think I was fine alone, but I now believe that what had happened was the emotional pain of loneliness had become a callous.  It wasn't until I was married and had someone around me 24/7 that I realized a contrast to being alone.  Now, having this contrast, I believe I "crater" when I'm alone.

Fortunately for me, it is only a week.  Also, I will not be alone all day, just during most of my work hours.  That is good, but still very dangerous for me.  I venture into evil when left alone, trying to "self-medicate" the pain of loneliness.  It's dumb, sacrilegious, silly, preposterous, and down right idolatrous; but I still struggle against it, sometimes in vain.

What I need is light in the darkness of my alone time.  There are several ways I can do this, but accountability is always a very effective one.  Knowing that I am accountable to others for my actions helps me remember that my actions affect others, and they are not all about me.  The pain I cause others is right in line with what my Master teaches me in His Scriptures, but I deny this truth to myself if I think I can "hide" what evil I do, thereby "protecting" those around me from it.  It doesn't work.  I know this, but have to "re-learn" it every time I fail.

So, each morning, I want to populate this page with a record of how my thought life has been the previous day and night.  I want to record how my actions have been the previous day and night.  I need to include not only the pieces with which I obviously struggle, but also the emotional things that often trigger these morose activities and thoughts.

So, today and tonight will be the subject of tomorrow's post.  Tuesday will be reported on Wednesday, and so on.  I will continue to post links to these entries on Facebook.  Those of you who read these on regular or irregular basis will form my support group, my accountability group, my brothers and sisters in my Master's family.  Let me thank you in advance for what you do for me in just being there, even if you don't read.  But please do.  You will find that you help me glorify my Master more, and experience His holiness more in my life by your simple act of checking on me through this blog.