Wrath and Grace

The technical term is propitiation, but the sound of it suggests little of the devastating meaning it contains.  Jesus propitiated the wrath of God in His death on the cross.  The word brings with it both the terrifying wrath of the Creator and appeasement of that wrath.  I have heard people say that the God of the Old Testament is wrathful and the God of the New Testament loves.  Such a statement demeans what was accomplished by my Master on the cross.  The love of my Master is understood best when His wrath is laid alongside.

Just my sin incurred the wrath of my Master.  Sure I was born with it, but I also earned it.  It’s not reasonable to blame my Master for being penalized for the way I was made, I ensured the sin I was born in rightly applied by my own activity.  When I read that my Master died for the sin of the cosmos, I am immediately struck by an unimaginable enormity of what He took upon Himself in that act.  More than that though, it says literally that God put on Him the sin of the world, so that He was killed for that magnitude of sin.  And that is the essence of wrath; it is the high price paid to balance justice.

I remember feeling the shame for my addiction and it crushing me.  In a sense I needed to feel that, but in the sense of my guilt before my Master, not by succumbing to the crushing weight on myself.  He bore that crushing weight on Himself, and to take it back is ridiculous, and shows a lack of faith and understanding.  I was supposed to be aware of my guilt before the Creator of the cosmos, and therefore, His amazing love showed toward His human creatures through the sacrifice of my Master in our place.  In taking on more than that, I continued in my pattern of stacking more onto the wrath poured out on my Master.

Love and grace are best embraced in the face of wrath and justice.  I think sometimes I become so accustomed to the love and grace of my Master, I forget and take for granted the stark contrasting wrath and justice that makes them so glorious and powerful.  The closest I come to understanding what my Master has done on the cross is when I allow the conviction of my contribution His wrath to expand to include as much of humanity as I can imagine, and then extend that back into history and beyond.  There are realities of this life that I easily miss and so trivialize my relationship with my Master.  It’s a forest-trees thing.

The wrath of the Creator on His creation was laid on His Son, who obediently took it upon Himself.  A stunning truth which is then followed by another: the Resurrection.  It’s impossible to encompass the enormity of what Jesus did on the cross.  But when I extend that into the resurrection I find that the grace and love of my Master was not satisfied with removing the crushing weight of the wrath of God.  He also extended eternal life to that same rabble whose weight He bore.  I still can’t get there to wrap my mind around the enormity.  I can’t get my emotions to engage with it; it’s so huge I lose the sense of it permeating all life on earth (all life on earth is difficult at best to imagine all on its own).  I’m so overwhelmed I’m numb and easily fall into apathy.  I need to strain at the limits of my ability to imagine and describe this unimaginable indescribable reality in which I live.  That is my life’s work.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 19

Spiritual Growth Through Embarrassment: Not as much fun as you might think

I think my brain is muddled this morning.  I can’t follow the comparisons and contrasts that Chambers uses.  I think I get the difference he makes between personality and individuality, but the “Savior” for “Son” contrast and the comparison of John 8:36 and Galatians 2:20 I also didn’t follow.  Then the “energized” versus “energy” insistence part lost me. That last paragraph was full of stuff that I could not connect.

That being said, there were things I did get, or at least I think I do.  The capacity for my Master built into me is something that I have tried to fill with all sorts of things, none of which worked; in fact some were incredibly destructive.  One of them was shame, which I just stored and used to fuel much of my behavior.  Resentments, selfishness, the resulting anger, and the absolute glut of shame were all things that I allowed to clog my capacity for my Master.  All the time I was aware at some level that the capacity was meant for Him.

The underlying issue I had to accept was a need for medical help.  The stuff I had stored had affected me physiologically, and that was reinforcing the problem.  But I also have had to come to terms with the fact that I have a natural tendency toward that physiological problem.  Once addressed honestly, the reservoir could be emptied, and made ready for my Master to dwell in.  And He has come in.  He has begun to cleanse me and purge me of things that have needed to go.  Now, I guess He has brought me to the point where He can be more direct and somewhat harsh.

One thing that has been a trait of mine for a long time is my habit of working out thoughts while talking.  So, I start one place, and somewhere in the middle switch once or twice, ending up somewhere completely different than where I began and often contradicting where I started.  It’s really confusing for anyone listening to me so when I do it publicly I give the impression of not being wrapped too tight.  A compounding problem is that I don’t always end up in the right place anyway.  Just because I work through something verbally, doesn’t mean I will come out in the right spot.  So, I can be very confusing, and wrong.

Well I was that last night in a study on Biblical versus Atheistic World Views.  In discussions of philosophy it is really embarrassing to be both disjointed and wrong at the same time.  What happens is that rather than being sensitive to my Master’s prompting, I wanted to appear smart.  So, history is one of my familiar areas, and I spoke up about that.  But history requires a context, and when I got muddled in the context, I lost my initial point, and wound up somewhere else entirely, which was wrong, or least the point was wrong, the information may have been right.  What’s even more embarrassing is that I’m pretty sure that even my initial point was wrong, or at least incomplete enough to be valueless to the discussion.

What I needed was correction at that point so those around me were given something clear, and the pastor supplied that perfectly.  The result was that I was embarrassed; a feeling I don’t have very often.  It feels entirely different if I believe I haven’t been heard or that I’m right and the others are not accepting it, and so on.  Those feelings are usually frustration or derision; this was because I was wrong, and wrong publically.  It felt very different, and it something that I believe my Master is using to shed more of what Chambers would call my individuality and freeing my personality.  Like I said, direct and harsh (not the pastor, my Master), and just what I need.  Who would have thought I’d have to come 1400 miles to find it in a small depressed town.  Is my Master amazing or what?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 18

Devotional Obedience, Instead of Guilty Acquiescence

Obedience as the key to the nature of my Master is not a new theme with Chambers.  But in using Genesis 22, he makes his point with a sledge hammer.  In verses 15-19, the account wraps up with the second statement from the Angel of Yahweh.  The nations of the world will be blessed through Abraham’s innumerable seed because of Abraham’s obedience that had no limits.  There is a prerequisite for obedience though.  I have to hear my Master’s voice.

I suppose there are a lot of reasons I may not.  One of the ones I think I overlook most often is that I am already doing what He wants; He’s not asking me to change or add something else to my work for Him.  This doesn’t mean I’ve arrived or I’m already so useful there’s nothing left to do.  It means the work He’s doing He is doing through someone else.  Part of the lesson is humility and learning to become willing to be in the background.  Obedience for me is not just doing what I’m told, but not doing what I’m not told.

Some things I know to do regardless.  I am to be kind to others, love my enemies, bless those who curse me, and walk an extra mile with the civic leader taking advantage of me.  Those things are not dependent upon my Master telling me to be them.  I also know that I am to seek Him constantly in worship and prayer.  That’s not something I do only when He calls me to it.  I seek to discern His hands in the works of nature around me.  I share what He provides to me with others.  And I blog.

But when it comes to fitting into the fabric of my church, there I have to be mindful of my Master’s leading.  I am to fit, submit to the pastor and leaders, and participate.  But the degree and the specific role are designated by my Master, not by what I think I would enjoy the most or get me the most attention.  There are things I’m not supposed to do because He has them designated for someone else.  I need to listen for His voice in these things, and go where He tells me, not where He doesn’t.

This runs against my co-dependency and my people-pleasing nature.  I want people to be happy with me and it’s something I think I can control.  Both things fly in the face of my servitude to my Master.  I want Him to be happy, and I can’t control Him or others.  If my Master is happy with me, then even my family can be unhappy with me.  But I have to be sure He is happy.  I have to seek His face and listen for His voice.  Sure He often speaks through the faces of others, but it is discerning His voice through the noise of their desperation that is so needed.

So, Abraham I am not, but such as I am will I be.  And I can only hope to grow in my relationship with my Master that His voice is easy to hear.  Then the challenge of obedience will be easier to face.  I think…

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 17

Is my Master More Important to me than my Job?

What Chambers describes this morning is what I want and where I believe I'm headed in my life with my Master. I really do want to fade into the background and let His glory stand unsullied by my presence. But how am I working that into my daily grind?

One of the things I've been attempting is a greater awareness of my Master throughout my day. Yesterday, Chambers said it should be automatic (or was that two days ago?). I do know that even in the routines of my day, and those crisis that are in themselves routine even though unique, I am supposed to glorify my Master.

1 Corinthians 10:31 sums up Paul's very protracted discussion of eating food sacrificed to idols. The summary is important because most of the time when this was an issue it was in the normal course of a day. It was very normal for any gathering to include a blessing and sacrifice to gods. In some ways it is analogous to the Pledge of Allegiance in our culture, yet this involved idols and worship/sacrifice.

Craftsmen had guilds and those meetings included a sacrifice to whichever god or goddess they asked for success. Merchants had groups and meetings, and civic meetings and leaders would meet, and all with the same incorporation of worship/sacrifice. To exclude yourself from such meetings or food was to exclude yourself from your livelihood. That is what Paul was asking these believers to do. It was no small thing, required a developed argument, and did not make him popular in their church (see 2 Corinthians).

So, even when it isn't popular, or possibly costs me my job, I am to do all I do (even at work) to the glory of my Master. This could become a problem, but it would be a problem I am supposed to embrace as long as going through it brings glory to my Master.

I speak with people every day with whom my Master may be working. There have been times when, in my desire to help them, I may have wanted to bring up my Master as the answer to there specific need, not just generally. The most I have done is obliquely refer to Him, and I did so out of respect for the rules of my employer. What if my reluctance is adversely affecting my co-workers. Right now they cannot hear my conversations with customers, but what about my conversations with them? When I chat with them, or email them, and if those conversations take a turn toward deeper issues or needs, will I glorify my Master?

Part of the question for me is whether I believe that, having provided this job in the first place, my Master remains the Master of resources. And if I believe that He provided this job, would He lead me to jeopardize it, even to speak of His glory? I do believe that my Master provided this job and remains the Master of resources. But from the lesson of Abraham and Isaac, I also believe that my Master may very well ask me to sacrifice this gift He gave for His glory. He may want me to be sure I love Him more than His blessing (He already knows).

This is somewhat scary, but no more than any other daily issue where I am to glorify my Master. I fear the derision of others, and that is one risk. I risk being misunderstood, yet that pretty well sums up the ministry of my Master here on earth. I risk relationships within my family, but so did He. In essence the path following my Master is not comfortable, yet following Him brings peace and joy. It is a paradox that often ensures a hard life.

Right now, though, my life is not hard. Right now I have a routine, a limited set of responsibilities, and a comfortable place and set of circumstances. Do I love my Master enough to remain His servant if all this comfort was removed? I believe I do, because I loved Him before He gave all this. It is a matter of being constantly aware of my first Love, my single Devotion. As long as that is sure, my circumstances can change (and I suspect they will) without damaging my relationship with my Master.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest - November 16

Auto-Spiritual Situational Engagement

John 21 has always seemed a strange account of the post-resurrection time of Jesus.  It clearly gives the impression that Jesus was not constantly with the disciples, but that seems so strange.  Where else would He be?  Yet here they are in Galilee and decide to go fishing.  After a fruitless night Jesus waits for them on the beach, and then helps them with the haul of their lives.  Peter jumps into the water and swims to meet Jesus.  Then there is the awkward breakfast, and then Jesus indicates the manner in which Peter would be killed.  As they walk away, John follows, and Peter asks about him.  Jesus tells Peter to concern himself with his own devotion.

That is where the verses Chambers uses, John 21:21-22 fall in the chapter.  Peter sees the other disciple following, and asks about him.  Jesus says, “If I might want him to remain until I come, what to you?  You follow Me.”  In my devotion to Jesus I’m not supposed to intervene between my Master and His work in others.  There is a difference between intervening and participating.  I’m not confident I understand the difference, but I do know it has something to do with my focus and devotion to my Master.

Chambers then goes on to say that my devotion should be unconscious.  That’s the part I know but fight against.  As I am more devoted to my Master, the rest comes naturally.  My natural tendencies are changed to conform more to His nature, so I will tend to act and respond according to His nature, not my old nature.  I focus on being devoted to my Master, and He will use me in the lives of others.  I don’t know if I trust myself enough for this yet.  On the other hand, I’m not sure that my lack of trust is not an excuse to retain some of my autonomy.  I’m pretty good at excuses, so this could all be an excuse to hide behind false piety; two layer protection.

I know it’s true.  I know that my relationships and other involvement in this world become automatic once my devotion to my Master is settled.  The way I have described it in the past is that I will finally walk in two spheres at once, awareness of the spiritual and the physical simultaneously.  I will be able to see the spiritual side of situations rather than just the annoying physical side.  That would have helped me yesterday when my daughter had an emotional meltdown.  I would have liked to have been able to see the spiritual forces behind that.  It was all I could do to keep myself from exploding.  I did verbally, actually, and I don’t usually…I think.

This is the place where I see growth in the next few months.  I hope to become less stuck on my own circumstances, more focused on my Master, and make it a natural thing to become confused with Him, rather than go to Him once I’m so frustrated I can’t see straight.  When things don’t confuse me, and I’m already focused on my Master, then I can just move and live naturally.  When a crisis presents itself, then I can seek to engage it, participating with my Master’s Spirit, rather than with my own resources and understanding.  Well, I expect another crisis today.  I had three yesterday.  Practice, practice, practice. 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 15

What, How, and For As Long

There are a couple of things in today’s entry that touched an issue with me.  But the one that reaches deepest is the last one.  He mentions not making consistency in a conviction a fetish, rather be devoted to God.  I think this relates to the limited understanding I have of my Master and His plans.  In other words, rather than get stuck on one thing one way, allow that my Master may change what I’m doing and how.  Chambers points out that Jesus appeared very inconsistent.  He doesn’t give examples, but just in the way He never heals the same disease the same way twice it is clear.

I have to really watch this weakness in myself.  When once I experience success in something my Master has led me, I want to experience the success over and over, so I try performing the same thing the same way, hoping for the same result.  If success depended on me, I would be able to reproduce the success consistently.  I can’t.  I never do.  The success was never mine, it was always my Master, and I can’t reproduce success by only reproducing my small contribution.  The same is true when I try to reproduce the success of others in my own life.  I can’t reproduce the work of my Master in their success, so I can never reproduce the success.

What this means is that I am supposed to do what my Master tells me the way He tells me to do it for as long as He gives it to me to do.  And then I’m supposed to move on to a new task, when He tells me, do it like He tells me, for as long as He has me doing it.  I don’t like leaving one success and diving into another “startup”.  I want to enjoy the “fruit” of my success, the adulation of my peers (you know, just once would be nice), and feeling of pride in a job well-done.  The problem is that it’s not my success, the praise belongs to my Master, and my pride is misplaced since I should boast in my Master.  Once again, it’s not about me.

The death of me is the path into the life of my Master.  This is one of those areas where there is too much of me left, and more needs to go.  It’s subtle, and I often miss it.  I think that I am flexible, that I don’t want to reproduce the success of others; but since I want the praise they received (jealousy?) I actually do want exactly that.  Such a realization slides right by my spiritual sensors with the deodorant of self-righteousness.  The resulting resentments and bitterness are the clues to what really is going on and how it got that way.

It was a different way that my Master led me out here.  It will be by a different path and method that He leads me to anything I do while I’m here.  The only consistency in the method will be my submission and obedience.  Beyond that, I have no idea what or how I will be doing anything.  Being comfortable with that will bring peace, and I will only be able to be comfortable with that as I trust my Master.  I must trust His timing, His design, and His method.  And then I need to continue to trust Him all through until He moves me on to something else.  Is it odd to say that this used to be easier?  It feels odd.  Shouldn’t it be easier now?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 14