Good on Purpose, in Prayer and Circumstances

Does God work all things in my life together to provide subject matter for my intercessory prayer?  I’m sure He does, but I don’t think it is limited to that.  I also believe He works all things together for good in my life as part of His will in reaching my neighborhood, my community, and so on.  I fit in this place at this time for a specific purpose of my Master.  I don’t know what it is, but I know that knowledge is coming.  Until it does, my responsibility is to be available to Him in my daily life.

Ironically, the verse does not read in Greek like I thought it would.  There isn’t something that says it is God’s plan/purpose.  That is implied by the “called” characteristic, and it is that.  The word, “called” is an adjective, not a verb.  It describes those referred to.  The verb is a participle of the verb to be.  The last phrase reads, “…, to/for the ones being called according to a plan/purpose.”  The plan and purpose refer to God’s plan or purpose only because the ones are “called”.  What Paul is doing by phrasing it in this way is keeping the reference to “all things” open to whatever God might be doing instead of some single plan He does everywhere. 

That means it applies to me here.  I have the unmistakable stamp of God’s direction to this place and to be settled in this place.  Now, all things will work together for good.  The last piece is that I need to permit my Master to define “good”.  Just when I thought it was going to be easy, reality settles in.  It’s not what I think is good, or good for me, at least not necessarily.  What will be produced by the working together of all things is what is good for my Master’s Kingdom.  That will be a good that will reach lives in this neighborhood and community.  I can think of nothing better.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 7

Being Taught By the Rabbi

I’ve got a lot of random, unrelated stuff swirling around in my head this morning, so be patient.  This entry from Chambers is one I can relate to.  The passage he uses is the discussion between Jesus and Martha as Jesus is about to raise her brother.  The contrast between this conversation and the one with Mary is interesting.  Jesus has a deep theological discussion with Martha and weeps with Mary.  In fact Jesus goes as deep with Martha as He did with Nicodemus, or even perhaps deeper.  And unlike the Pharisee, she gets it.  Her SAT scores would probably have been off the charts.

Chambers asks if I’ve been through something like that with Jesus, and as it turns out, I have.  My recent experience with my Master has been somewhat like this except, not being as intelligent as Martha, it took me much longer.  I have chronicled most of it in this blog, but the essence of the lesson was a progression from an acceptance (not understanding) that Jesus loves me, He has my back, and I am at His service.  The way it finally took hold though was when I accepted myself as having a problem I could not manage without help, my depression.

It was one thing to accept the love without understanding.  I had sought understanding for too long, it was time to accept.  But even acceptance didn’t activate the power of this truth in my life.  I’m loved, as I am, not as I try my best, or at the point I finally achieve some level of spiritual maturity or breakthrough.  I’m loved to the extent of the life of Jesus, and I stand among a surging sea of such people, also loved by this same Jesus.  That was step one, acceptance of His love.  The second step addressed my fears.

I have spent much of my life afraid.  Sometimes I have been afraid for my physical well-being (like on the playground with bullies), but also of the acceptance of others.  I have lived a large portion of my life seeking and fearing the loss of the acceptance of others.  When I was in school, K-12, it was fear of bullies, and I would avoid fights (sometimes).  After school was done and I spent time in the Army, I no longer feared for my physical safety, but acceptance was still a strong problem.  I wanted to be liked and accepted.  It was driven by a similar fear I had for my physical safety and totally centered on me.

By accepting that my Master has my back, I have freedom from fear.  Actually, I have freedom from fear to the degree that I accept that my Master has my back.  I use this “fear” as a monitor of my spiritual condition, and quickly dive back into my Master whenever I find myself dreaming of being physically powerful or safe.  When I sense that, I know that I have left the true safety of my Master.  I have left the focus on heaven and eternity and focused on this world and myself.  But it was the final part that I am now in the midst of working out.

So what good is it to be free from fear, and loved beyond understanding?  These things bring a peace and freedom that is not for relaxation and lounging around.  These truths free me to be available to my Master for His work.  I refer to myself as a Knight of the Realm, but also as Servant to the King.  I don’t feel like that very often, but service is at least half, probably the whole, of my purpose.  Whatever it means to be a knight of Jesus in this world, even that role is service of some sort.  This third realization brings purpose to the other two, it actualizes them, makes them more substantial.

It may sound strange, but when I refer to myself with the letters, KOTR SOTK, I’m not bragging as much as using terms that describe something very common, just in a different way.  It’s not that I am these things and no one else is.  A lot of believers see themselves as servants of Jesus.  A lot of believers understand themselves to be warriors against the powers of darkness in the heavenly realms (warfare conducted mostly in prayer by the way).  So, I’m not unique, perhaps dramatic, but I am also sensitive to the catharsis of drama.  This is something my Master knows, probably caused in me, and uses to His purpose as well.

So, my lengthy process took over two years instead of a quick conversation in the middle of the road to Bethany.  I’m clearly not as perceptive nor as capable of embracing the truth of Jesus as was Martha.  And Jesus is okay with that.  He calls me and works with me anyway.  He calls me silly things like “knight” and “servant” and draws me into His plans for my community.  I don’t know what those plans are, and I don’t know what the end result will look like.  I only know that I need to take another step once He reveals it.  Until then, I simply serve in the capacity I have now.  So, it’s Sunday, and I need to get back at it.  Peace out!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 6

A Whining I Will Go

Suffering is one of my favorite things to avoid.  I have not been to the dentist is years, but when I do go, it will be bathed in prayer.  But I am aware that suffering makes up a large part of the life of believers.  Those who hold to faith in Jesus as the Messiah and Savior of all humanity from their sinful nature do something that attracts hardship.  In a series of books about Greek heroes in modern times, the writer makes a comment that heroes attract monsters, the more powerful the hero, the more attractive they are to monsters.  I don’t know where he got that idea, but it works something like that for believers.

The hardships that come to me take several different forms.  A lot of the time, I bring them on myself; the whole hairpin-in-the-wall-socket sort of thing.  Sometimes they come from my Master to help me grow and develop in my relationship with Him.  But there are also times that don’t come from Him, but which He permits because they are identification with His suffering.  They come to me because my relationship with my Master attracts such suffering.  Jesus attracted such attention as He was obedient to the Father.  I will attract such attention as I am obedient to Him.

A case can be made that it was such attraction that put Him on the cross, but in reality, Scripture puts that event in the bucket of things my Master brought about rather than permitted.  That event split the world, all humanity, and all of history into two parts.  That was no accident, nor simply the result of human frailty.  It had to happen, and my Master made it happen.  But now He asks me to walk that same road.  I walk a road of hardship sometimes simply because I am His, and sometimes because He sends me down it.  Either way, my Master and King uses me in those times to build His Kingdom.

In 1 Peter 4:13, Peter says that I rejoice in suffering only to the degree that I share in those sufferings of my Master.  When I push my participation in what He went through to the stops, then my joy will know no such stops.  It’s not easy to take those steps though.  I remember playing a game with my buddies years ago.  It was a roleplaying game and I was playing my favorite role.  One of my friends had a fairly powerful character, and got his mind controlled by a “Mind Flayer”.  He turned on the group, and to enable the group to escape I took him on even though I couldn’t win.  I didn’t like it, I was even pretty angry about the game master putting us in that position, my friend for being so dumb he would take on something like that, and so on.  But I did it anyway.  That’s sort of how I obey my Master: sometimes with kicking, screaming, pouting, complaining, and just plain anger and frustration.  But I go.

As Peter says, my joy matches the degree to which I participate.  So, the kicking and screaming only take away from my joy at the end.  Jesus tells a short parable about a father with two sons, both he told to go work in the vineyard.  One says he will go but doesn’t, the other says he won’t but does.  Which one was obedient?  The one who went was the obedient one (Matthew 21:28-31).  So I go, sometimes with difficulty, down the road of suffering, often without explanation, and sometimes with reluctance.  The thing my Master wants is for me to go.  So, here I go.  Just ignore the whining sound you hear in the background, it’s just me.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 5

Approaching, Cleansing, and Purifying: Spiritual KP?

This morning, I have to confess that I have no idea what Chambers is writing about.  I read the first paragraph several times, looked up precipitate, and went on to the second paragraph hoping for clarity if I pushed on through.  The verse he refers too doesn’t help clarify his point either.  James 4:8 is an admonition to draw near to God and a call to purify and cleanse myself (which should be expected if I am to draw near to God).  Chambers seems to be writing about an action that makes little sense, that I do over and over until I figure out I’m not supposed to, and is exhilarating when I’m in the midst of it.  I have no idea what he’s going on about.

Part of the reason I don’t is his description of it.  First it’s acting on the truth of God.  Once the act is done (I assume the act on the truth of God), then I am never the same.  When I act I live instead of exist and it involves my whole will.  Then he refers to it as “transacting business with God” and I’m even more confused.  Here I come and go not realizing I’m supposed to stay not go.  Yet, once I do this act, I’m never the same.  It seems he believes that just taking notes about a discovery or rediscovery of a truth of God is enough of an act to meet this description.  Honestly I have never found taking notes that exciting.  Seriously, I’m really confused by this one.

But when I focus on the Scripture he used, that to me makes sense.  James is referring to how I treat my fellow believers, and puts the problem on my motivation for what I do.  When I am friends with the world, I make my Master my Enemy.  But the response of my Master is to act in zeal to pull me back into that relationship (which can seriously hurt me, but with pain that is better than being dead – not in relationship with Him).  So, my response, as James puts it, is to draw near to God, cleanse my hands, purify my heart, and mourn and weep over my condition and rebellion.  Allow my Master to raise me up and not try to do that myself.  Then my treatment of my fellows will be what it needs to be.

So, the passage I can relate to; the writing of Chambers, not so much.  Fortunately that’s pretty rare.  I’m sure there will people who can’t relate to what I write either.  Either way, the point is joining with and remaining in a relationship with my Master.  It takes drawing near, cleansing and purifying, and grieving over my sin.  It sounds a bit like a 12-step program.  I suppose this would be a good time for me to wrap this up and draw near to my Master.  Anyone seen the soap and scrub brush I just had a second ago?  Yay! KP of the soul!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 4

Stuck On The Cross

When I work with Galatians 2:20, I immediately am struck by a couple of things. First is the difference between where English versions put the verse number and where the Greek text does. The Greek text has it where it makes little sense, so I'm guessing that is the more original position (why move it there if it makes better sense somewhere else?). I don't find that often, but when I do, it tells me something about the people using the text before me.

The second thing that strikes me is the ending. "And the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." Literally, the ending should read, "but what I now live in flesh, in faith I live of the Son of God the One having loved me and having given Himself up for me." I'm not living in faith, I'm living out the faith of the Son of God; the faith I live out belongs to Him, not me. I'm living on borrowed faith. But before I get all worked up on that, I can't help but notice that no English version translates it of, they are all in, in every case. I'm no Bible translator, so I have to simply wonder why they do that rather than make a big theological deal about the construction. But I will say that it dove-tails nicely with Ephesians 2:8-10 which can be understood to mean the faith is the gift of God. I'm just saying...

Whether it is in or of Chambers focuses on the "having given Himself up for me" part and says I am to use that as a pattern. I am to voluntarily give myself up to my Master and be crucified with Him. The part of me that is in rebellion against my Master and enslaved to my flesh needs to die in crucifixion. Okay. Although I have to confess that my Master seems to be feeding me to a sacrificial pyre one piece at a time. I just can't seem to get the whole carcass to the cross at the same time. So, He has been slicing off pieces and throwing them to pile of burning sacrifices to Himself. I'm not sure why such a pile of junk is pleasing to Him, but I suspect it is that the pile is made up of junk He has been trying to get rid of for a long time. Like a huge bonfire after a failed garage sale, at least it's all gone. The point with me is that He seems to be getting rid my rebellious connections to my flesh only as He reveals yet another to me. It has been a process, not a "jumping off" event, all or nothing.

The point for Chambers is the identification with the death of Jesus. I am to take on the identification with that death. The reason for my behavior and priorities in this world I live in is that I have been crucified with Christ, at least that is what is supposed to happen. I would like to say that I have been crucified with Christ and that I no longer live, but I would say that I'm not quite there yet. I think my Master has more "shaving" of my sinful nature left to do. Before He was nailed to the cross, Jesus was scourged. In a way I am being scourged with Christ. The cross is coming, I know that. I hope it happens before I'm sixty and limited in what I can do for my Master. That would be a lot of wasted life if I had to wait until then.

I have been crucified together with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me; but what I now live in flesh, in faith I live of the Son of God the One having loved me and having given Himself up for me. I don't think it will take me 14 stations.

Oswald Chambers - Readings - My Utmost for His Highest - October 3

Is Obedience the Key to Usefulness to my Master?

In John 14, the “pep-talk” Jesus gives His disciples is full of rather peculiar elements.  Chambers says that Jesus never insists upon obedience, and yet Jesus says to His disciples in the same discourse referenced by Chambers that, “a new commandment I give you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”  Is a commandment not insistence?

 

I suppose such a command is not insistence like Chambers is referring to.  He basically means that Jesus doesn’t force obedience, but allows choice regarding obedience.  It does seem rather strange that in this I have choice, in salvation not so much (am I the elect?).  Here again, I see his point, but I also believe he goes a bit far with it.  He says that my Master does not give me rules, and yet He gives me a new commandment.  True it’s not a rule in the traditional sense, but it has a few similarities.

 

What I can’t do is limit my Master to what He will accomplish, even through me.  I have seen far too often in retrospect, that my Master will accomplish something through me almost regardless of me.  I think He does this because it demonstrates how little I am needed for His work.  I’m invited, but not indispensable. That’s comforting, because of the sheer number of mistakes I make, I’d hate the stress of believing someone else’s eternity depended upon me.  So, I don’t posit my Master’s ability to reach through me on me.  What I posit on my obedience is the degree to which I participate and the degree to which I am aware of His work.

 

When my fear stops me from engaging obediently in my community, then I cut myself off from the blessings of seeing my Master work.  He still works, and will even use me from time to time, I just don’t see it except in retrospect.  I miss the blessings of joy and excitement to see my Master accomplish the miracle of redemption in the lives of people around me.  That’s a big blessing to give up just because I don’t know what might happen.

 

I hope to have a teacher meeting this afternoon, and perhaps that will provide an opportunity to engage obediently with my community in a real manner.  But there may be others.  I had a remote control helicopter crash two back yards away, which gave me the opportunity to meet some neighbors I don’t normally see.  I guess I just never know where the opportunities may come from.  Perhaps I need to fly the silly helicopter more and meet more people that way?  I’m sure there are better ways, like… wow, such a lack of creativity.  I am so dependent upon my Master, even for creative ways to meet the neighbors.  Maybe I need more coffee this morning.

 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 2

Crash, Burn, Replace…Repeat

In some ways, this blog and these entries, are intended to bring about what Chambers writes/speaks of in this entry.  In some ways my hope has been to use this blog for accountability.  To that end, I have invited the world into the interior of my life, with all the weaknesses and failures found there.  At the same time, I hope this opens me up more to my Master’s work in me.

 

So, last night I ignored my limits I call middle-circle boundaries, and flirted with my addiction.  The actions and thoughts were both preceded and followed by a rather nice time with my Master.  Clearly the preceding one didn’t have the effect I would expect, so clearly there was something wrong there.  I was tired and everything, so why go into a sort of behavior that would keep me awake?  This is the sort of thing that makes any sort of behavior like this crazy.  It is totally devoid of reality living or thinking.

 

I think there was a point in the time with my Master as I was drifting off to sleep where I mentioned fighting my threatening depression by doing what I don’t want (like going to a 12-step meeting tonight), and not doing what I do want (like giving into my addictive thoughts and behaviors).  I think that in the process I blamed my depression, and that was the go-ahead; it wasn’t my fault, I can’t help it, and so it is okay. 

 

It is my fault, I can decide not to, and it’s not okay.  Let me just say that, because I can easily blame my struggle on depression.  I believe I have a weakness, in that my brain has a propensity to over stimulate AO activity (the chemical imbalance that brings on depression).  The anti-depressant is an AO inhibitor, and these usually are used for a time, but sometimes, a long time.  But this can’t be my excuse.  My depression is not so debilitating that I can’t function or think.  I can fight it, but it is a fight I’m not used to winning, and that is probably my biggest hurdle. 

 

Fighting depression is done through doing what I do not “feel” like doing.  Fighting the lethargy that comes through depression is one important way to fight depression.  The fight is not hard in any other sense than that it wears me out.  Rejuvenation comes from my Master and His Spirit, so that should not be a problem, but it is.  Perhaps at some point I will be so immersed in Him that it won’t be, but I’m not there yet.

 

That is one thing I do to fight my depression, but there are others.  One symptom is anger, another is an abundance of emotion, another is a tendency toward resentment.  So there are are several things I need to do to fight against this problem, but none of them are that complex or particularly difficult.  What makes these symptoms difficult to fight is that another symptom is a lack of energy, and that not only makes it hard to fight the depression but works to perpetuate it. 

 

This is why an antidepressant is very helpful.  I’m not at a point where I can do all that.  It overwhelms me and I collapse under it.  I hope at some point I will be able to fight it, but I have no power to do so now.  My only hope is to admit my weakness, and reach outside myself for help.  The piece that helped me begin my months of success was admitting I could not do this, that I have this weakness, and that I need something to help.  It was dramatically helpful.  But it is not a permanent solution. 

 

Since depression is not “reality” thinking but distorted thinking, the element that Chambers talks about today, letting the world and my Master into my life, is really important.  The presence of others forces reality back into my mental matrix.  The distortion requires a single perspective or view of my life.  So a 12-step program is a great option for fighting this depression.  My hope is that such a program will provide the spiritual discipline I need to eventually live without antidepressants.  I suspect there will need to be other things as well, but the 12-steps  are designed to realign my mind with my Master’s; repentance.

 

In the past, practicing the steps always brought on the problems I was trying to fight against in my depression.  It brought on the emotional and spiritual crisis I was keeping at bay through my addictive “management”.  I think I am better able to face that crisis and work through it, but with the help of an antidepressant.  What I hope happens is that, on the other side of the crisis, I find the practice of getting through it equips me to do the same thing without the antidepressant.  It may take a couple of times of “practice” to get to the point where I can get through the crisis without the chemical help, but I hope that is where I get to.

 

The reason this solution appeals to me so much is that it will not be a solution that is from me or my ability.  No other solution so focuses on what my Master can do in me than the 12-steps.  They don’t work when it becomes about what I can do, or a “formula” I can process.  They work when, in sequence, I submit all my garbage to my Master and let Him replace it with Himself.  I jettison my expectation of self-management, I focus on my Master, I take the walk of shame as I inventory my failures, I lay those out as a display for the world and my Master, I strive to let them go and surrender them to my Master, I invite those I have hurt into the process, and then I continue the process of examination and confession.  It is not a process of my achievement of anything but reduction before my Master.  The success of this process stems entirely from the fact that my Master lives, He works in me, and He remakes me into His image as I disassemble my props and facades.

 

So here I go into another day, but I suspect the ending will be different.  I have invited in the world so that my distorted thinking will collapse, and reality will return.  Be sure to point out the distortions as you pass through, but please don’t touch them.  Pointing them out helps to make them disappear, there’s no need to carry them out with you.  These are mine, I’m sure you have plenty of your own.  Distortions are not something I should share well with others.  There’s a dose of reality as you leave, help yourself to plenty of that; no trick, sometimes a treat.

 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 1