In Galatians 2:20, my ministry buddy, Paul describes his life with Jesus in very interesting terms. He has been crucified with Jesus Christ. There is this identity with the publicly humiliating, personally debasing death Jesus died which I find hard to wrap my mind around. But he continues, "...and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me;..." This takes me once again into an area that I either do not understand or, if I do, I have never been able to go. But he continues on, "...but what I now live in the flesh, in faith I live that of the Son of God..." There is a change here from what I am used to seeing or how I am used to reading passages on faith. This is the faith "of", not faith "in". The life lived is "in" faith, but the faith itself (and the passage is very specific here) is faith "of". Even in English this has the ring of the possessive here. Ownership of this faith does not belong to Paul, it belongs to Jesus, the Son of God. This faith has been given to Paul as a result of this crucifixion and no longer living except by this imparted faith. Or is it a result? It doesn't put a "therefore" in there for that reason (pardon the optional pun). Paul is not shy about using "therefore" so its absence may mean something.
What if this identity with such a publicly humiliating death, this odd half-life where I no longer live but Christ lives in me, this life lived in the faith belonging to the Person living in me is actually not a progression, but all part and parcel of, with, or in (pick whichever preposition you like) the same event. That would really be nice. I would love that tremendously because it would take this gnawing pressure off me that I am somehow responsible for being crucified along with my Master. I admit that I'm not sure how to do that. I figure that it has something to do with submitting the various areas of my life to my Master, but does it come after they are all submitted to Him? If so, I have a long time to wait, because I am not naturally submissive, and have only just begun to add "and I am at Your service" to the intro to my prayers. Or does it come in the process of submitting? Is it a result which comes as I lay various pieces of myself that He points out on the altar that I am crucified with my Master? If so, when does the life I no longer live except by imparted faith show up?
I also admit (my day for admissions) that this whole thing sounds like an attempt to be spiritually perfect. Or at least like attained spiritual perfection. While Paul is annoyingly consistent in his claim to be submitted to Christ Jesus, he doesn't ever claim to be perfect (which is good because Luke, and Paul himself, records evidence of interesting anger issues). So what is this life of being crucified, of no longer living, of Jesus living within, yet of living in imparted faith? What does it look like if not perfection? And how do I get it if not a process of submission? Perhaps the context of Galatians (one of the letters of Paul where his anger issues peek through) can shed some light here.
Galatians 2:17 reads (in the NASB), "But if, while seeking to be justified in Christ, we ourselves have also been found sinners, is Christ then a minister of sin? May it never be!" And this helps me. The "if" here is not one of those which suggest it would never happen, but rather suggest it is likely. In other words, Paul puts the context of his claim of a life where Jesus lives within him and he lives in the faith imparted to him by this Jesus within a statement that in the process of seeking righteousness through Christ he may likely be found to be a sinner. And that this finding does not make Jesus a minister of sin, but rather belongs at his feet. So, here is a man who understands he may be found a sinner as he lives, yet can also claim that he has been crucified with Jesus and that Jesus now lives in him, and that what he lives now he lives in faith which Jesus gave to him. He can be both crucified, and living in this imparted faith, yet also be found a sinner?
I think it is very obvious here that I do not understand this very well. So, before I make claims I cannot substantiate I will own the boundaries of my understanding stop right behind this area I am now in. I am in very strange country to me, and whatever is read here is my opinion as I sift through this passage seeking understanding, guidance, and to know my Master and my relationship with Him better. And I may change my opinion later as I learn more. But from what I have read, and from what I see from the context so far I say that this crucifixion happened for me, and that I now no longer live, but Christ lives in me, and that the life I now live in the body I also live in that faith which belongs to Jesus, my Master "...who loved me and gave Himself up for me." I say that not to claim any sort of perfection, even in the sense of completion, because I throw myself on to the grace of my Master and claim that what I cannot do, where my abilities end is where His overwhelmingly conquer and take over. I claim that this situation is true each day to the extent that I am not found to be a sinner, or rather to the extent that I do not find myself a sinner nor does my Master. As I submit to Him, this truth becomes more true, but at no time does it become false.
Having said that, I confess now that I feel unsettled. This feels somehow incorrect. So, do I trust my feelings? As I said, I may change my opinion later. I go to work out with a sadistic trainer, so I will get back to you on this.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
So Close, But So Far Away
There was a point in my relationship with God when He would let me know things right when I needed to know them. There was a time when the youth group I worked with suffered a traumatic hit, when one of our own was seriously injured and we feared he might die or be paralyzed for life. Right as the news arrived (interrupting my Bible study...how rude is that), God assured me that he would be among us again in three months. It seemed incredible, but I shared that strong impression with the group, we were encouraged and expectant, and we were together with him (at his house, not at our church property) in three months, holding that same Bible study.
At a critical juncture of our ministry schooling, my wife and I were considering options to study in California, her in her discipline, and I in mine. One day, the seminaries did a presentation at our undergraduate school, and for whatever reason, I got the very strong, very clear impression we were supposed to go to Texas to both study at the same seminary. This was a huge move for both of us, our families were not happy, yet all along the process, God confirmed this initial strong impression.
I'm still waiting for the next one. Now, the best information, the clearest message I have from Him is to wait, worship, and walk before Him. Not to criticize my Master, but for those who claim to believe and follow Jesus, this command is a lot like a command to continue breathing. It hurts my pride to receive such "marching orders" having in the past received much more clear and direct directions. But there it is, my pride, hurt and wounded, instead of dead and buried. I see I have a ways to go yet. But where do I want to go?
Oswald Chambers refers to one of my favorite stories in all of Scripture this morning, and that is what I want. I want to negotiate with Yahweh face to face. There cannot be a more dangerous, thrilling, gut-wrenching, make-me-want-to-barf-and-wet-myself-simultaneously kind of experience in all of human existence. In this account, while Abraham is relaxing by the door to his tent waiting on lunch, up walks the ruler of the universe along with two others. Abraham sees Him and immediately recognizes who He is (that may be my first hurdle right there). Abraham arranges lunch, and the four discuss Abraham's future son, Isaac. Then, as the three continue on, heading toward Sodom, the Ruler of the universe asks His two companions if He should disclose to Abraham what they are there for. Once Abraham realizes they are there to destroy Sodom, he begins to negotiate the salvation of his nephew and his family. That is one of the most exciting conversations recorded in Scripture. I can only imagine Abraham's mouth going dry even as he asks again for more and more each time, knowing Who it is he is asking. He is tactful, he is careful, he is progressive in each request, and it becomes apparent that he is beginning to try God's patience. God is about to nuke an entire valley, and Abraham carefully negotiates for someone snared in the reprobate society of this detestable community; he was negotiating for the grace of God on behalf of Lot.
That is where I want to be. I want to see God walk up and recognize Him as the Lord of the Cosmos. I want to serve Him lunch, stand by Him as a good host, as I walk Him to the "car" to continue His journey, learn His purpose, and negotiate with the Most High. Forget entertaining angels unaware, imagine entertaining Yahweh Himself!
But I have a long way to go for that. It seems to me that I have a lot longer way to go than I used to. It seems that my faith is not what it was, my conviction is not what it was, my insight and sensitivity to the prompting of the Spirit of God is not what it was. Not as when I was a child, but much more recent when I was an adult. Not as when I was uneducated and untried, but even as I trained and learned. This was not that long ago. But it was before my trauma at a church as I ministered. Since then, it has not been the same. I have not felt the same strength of impression.
Just last night my family watched one of my favorite movies, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. One aspect of this movie that strikes to my heart is a statement right at the beginning. While introducing one of the central characters, Mahoney, the store manager, it states that she stopped believing the things about herself she once did. The comment on this is, "I don't know why adults stop believing what they did as kids. I thought they were supposed to be smarter." Now I know one of the reasons that this is funny is what underlies the entire movie plot, adults are more grounded in reality, which clearly does not apply in the movie (it's a movie, it can't present reality anyway, why try?). I get that, it's fiction. But that statement gets to the heart of this issue for me. Why did I stop believing? What started the doubt? Was it a miscarriage? Was it the final collapse of a ministry? Was it a lost vision of my purpose and direction? If it was that loss of vision, what brought that on? Why did I grow up and grow deaf? Why did my fear of reality distract me from the reality I followed and lived with before? Where did things go so horribly wrong? I want to know so I can go back and right that wrong in my life for now. I need this fixed now. I want to get back on the track I was on so I can progress beyond into that life where God might actually visit for lunch! This is possible, this is doable, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility to get there. But even as I delve into this desire to grow, I plow head-long into a wall of emotions that disable my thought, my reason, and clouds my ability to see clearly. The morass of fear, shame, and pain forms a dirty film over the window of my soul. I can't get at what I seek without some serious window cleaning. I hope that is what this blog is for. But time will tell what comes of my ability to clarify my sight with my Master. In the mean time, does anyone have a squeegee I can borrow?
At a critical juncture of our ministry schooling, my wife and I were considering options to study in California, her in her discipline, and I in mine. One day, the seminaries did a presentation at our undergraduate school, and for whatever reason, I got the very strong, very clear impression we were supposed to go to Texas to both study at the same seminary. This was a huge move for both of us, our families were not happy, yet all along the process, God confirmed this initial strong impression.
I'm still waiting for the next one. Now, the best information, the clearest message I have from Him is to wait, worship, and walk before Him. Not to criticize my Master, but for those who claim to believe and follow Jesus, this command is a lot like a command to continue breathing. It hurts my pride to receive such "marching orders" having in the past received much more clear and direct directions. But there it is, my pride, hurt and wounded, instead of dead and buried. I see I have a ways to go yet. But where do I want to go?
Oswald Chambers refers to one of my favorite stories in all of Scripture this morning, and that is what I want. I want to negotiate with Yahweh face to face. There cannot be a more dangerous, thrilling, gut-wrenching, make-me-want-to-barf-and-wet-myself-simultaneously kind of experience in all of human existence. In this account, while Abraham is relaxing by the door to his tent waiting on lunch, up walks the ruler of the universe along with two others. Abraham sees Him and immediately recognizes who He is (that may be my first hurdle right there). Abraham arranges lunch, and the four discuss Abraham's future son, Isaac. Then, as the three continue on, heading toward Sodom, the Ruler of the universe asks His two companions if He should disclose to Abraham what they are there for. Once Abraham realizes they are there to destroy Sodom, he begins to negotiate the salvation of his nephew and his family. That is one of the most exciting conversations recorded in Scripture. I can only imagine Abraham's mouth going dry even as he asks again for more and more each time, knowing Who it is he is asking. He is tactful, he is careful, he is progressive in each request, and it becomes apparent that he is beginning to try God's patience. God is about to nuke an entire valley, and Abraham carefully negotiates for someone snared in the reprobate society of this detestable community; he was negotiating for the grace of God on behalf of Lot.
That is where I want to be. I want to see God walk up and recognize Him as the Lord of the Cosmos. I want to serve Him lunch, stand by Him as a good host, as I walk Him to the "car" to continue His journey, learn His purpose, and negotiate with the Most High. Forget entertaining angels unaware, imagine entertaining Yahweh Himself!
But I have a long way to go for that. It seems to me that I have a lot longer way to go than I used to. It seems that my faith is not what it was, my conviction is not what it was, my insight and sensitivity to the prompting of the Spirit of God is not what it was. Not as when I was a child, but much more recent when I was an adult. Not as when I was uneducated and untried, but even as I trained and learned. This was not that long ago. But it was before my trauma at a church as I ministered. Since then, it has not been the same. I have not felt the same strength of impression.
Just last night my family watched one of my favorite movies, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. One aspect of this movie that strikes to my heart is a statement right at the beginning. While introducing one of the central characters, Mahoney, the store manager, it states that she stopped believing the things about herself she once did. The comment on this is, "I don't know why adults stop believing what they did as kids. I thought they were supposed to be smarter." Now I know one of the reasons that this is funny is what underlies the entire movie plot, adults are more grounded in reality, which clearly does not apply in the movie (it's a movie, it can't present reality anyway, why try?). I get that, it's fiction. But that statement gets to the heart of this issue for me. Why did I stop believing? What started the doubt? Was it a miscarriage? Was it the final collapse of a ministry? Was it a lost vision of my purpose and direction? If it was that loss of vision, what brought that on? Why did I grow up and grow deaf? Why did my fear of reality distract me from the reality I followed and lived with before? Where did things go so horribly wrong? I want to know so I can go back and right that wrong in my life for now. I need this fixed now. I want to get back on the track I was on so I can progress beyond into that life where God might actually visit for lunch! This is possible, this is doable, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility to get there. But even as I delve into this desire to grow, I plow head-long into a wall of emotions that disable my thought, my reason, and clouds my ability to see clearly. The morass of fear, shame, and pain forms a dirty film over the window of my soul. I can't get at what I seek without some serious window cleaning. I hope that is what this blog is for. But time will tell what comes of my ability to clarify my sight with my Master. In the mean time, does anyone have a squeegee I can borrow?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Mastering the Obvious!
My Grape Nuts are drowning out Sponge Bob in the next room, but it is still inescapable that the day has already begun. I have a sprinkler valve to install in the back yard and then my day will move on to some other task to get the house ready to close. But before all of that, I have to reach deep into the Spirit of God, as deep as He allows, and solidify the next point of my growth.
So far, I have been starting and sustaining my prayer time with the two statements, "You love me," and "You have my back." It is now time to add a third. In Hebrews, the writer (maybe Paul, maybe not) speaks of Abraham in Chapter 11 verse 8 and how he moved without knowing where he was going. Chambers goes somewhere different that I expected with the verse. He says that Abraham demonstrated his faith in God by separating himself from his family. But Chambers differentiates this from holiness for some reason. I don't think they should be. It may not be the sanctification which God brings out in my life daily, but I believe it is part of it. Either way, he points to the separation of Abraham from those elements of his life that would be distracting or obstructive to his relationship with his Master. I believe that this concept and perspective on this verse gets at something that occurred to me after wrestling with holiness yesterday.
First a comment on holiness. I typically explain the concept of being holy as being "odd for God". In other words, it refers to something unmistakably referring to God due to its difference from those things which do not. Spoons look a lot alike, regardless of material they are made of. But the particular use of a spoon can be ascertained by a few small hints, like size. Big spoons are for serving food, smaller ones are for eating it. Shiny spoons are for more formal occasions than plastic-ware. So too, my life, even though it is shaped like a lot of other lives, should have some clues that indicate a purpose which originates from my Master. Those clues constitute holiness. Those I can handle, perfection I can't. So I am responsible for some of those clues, and other no so much. Some are fruit of my Master's Spirit within me, and some are made up of my own choices of what I will and will not do, where I will and will not go, and priorities for my time.
Now the element that has been missing in those initial statements follows naturally from the effects of them. To state to my Master that, "You love me" is to accept that He accepts me radically, not on my own merit but on His sovereign choice. The point with that statement is to activate the effects of unfathomable grace from my Master. The second statement, "You have my back" drives home that I can trust my Master completely. Regardless of my life circumstances, the important elements of eternal things remains secure. As Paul points out so clearly in Romans 8, nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus; nothing at all. So, from grace I move to faith, faith that liberates me from the fears which bind me to the chains of this world, and do so without purpose or benefit. Now on to the next step, the next phrase I declare to my Master is, "and I am at Your service." Hmm. How long it has taken to get to this point, and why so long?
I responded to the struggle accepting the unqualified acceptance of God with shame. I knew implicitly that I could not earn such acceptance, so I hid, like Adam in the garden, I hid with leaves as large as I could find. But in hiding, the shame only grows. I know I am not what I appear to be to those around me and I fear what will happen when I am discovered. The shame fueled a sinful life focused on self, seeking to medicate the pain which is the festering ache of shame, an inescapable result of accumulating vast pools of shame in the vacancies of my life. The statement as I seek the face of my Master, "You LOVE me" cut through high dams blocking the reservoirs and released the shame I used as fuel for my self-centered sin. They were so extensive that this statement was necessary first. I had to come to terms with the way my Master sees me and accept that what is true is His perspective of me. I had to accept it without the benefit of understanding or being able to explain it. He is sovereign and He chose me, I don't know why me.
After working through the radical acceptance of my Master, I found that my sinful habits were still a problem. They may have originated from those pools of shame, and they were also sustained by other things. I probed again beneath the surface of my life and found fear lurking in the dark recesses of my character. I was afraid and those fears directed various elements of my life, like relationships with others. Now from grace I launched into a fearless addressing of my personal security. I pursued the underlying basis of these ridiculous pretensions, and found a sense where I had learned that I am responsible for my own security. But there was this inescapable understanding underlying such an expectation that I could NOT control my environment sufficiently to protect myself. It was a silly expectation that I somehow be able to keep myself, and then my family, and then my friends safe. It was not possible. I had no control over my environment, only over my response to it from within it. I was placed in this terrarium by my Master and it belongs to Him. So, I came to the only reasonable conclusion that I had to trust (have faith in) the One who owned and maintained this environment I live within. So, from grace I traveled into faith.
Now I am finding that the struggles I face are more simple behavior and attitude problems; much like everyone else I suppose, but new for me. In the entries to this blog, I have bandied about the idea of service, pointed to the need of it, the foundation for it, the many varied ways I have messed it up in the past, and so on. The next step for me is to practice the marks and clues to my different purpose and use through service to my Master. I need to move from grace, through faith, into submission. I need all these elements, I need them to flow from one to the other. For me to reverse them will create the same repetition of problems I faced in my previous attempts. I will serve for wrong reasons out of a grace-less, fear-ridden, sense of unobtainable obligation. Oh, and I will need to do so with joy.
So, I will begin my times with my Master, and my reconnections throughout the day with three phrases instead of two. "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service." Well, the sprinkler refuses to fix itself, and the grass is dying. I consider that a calling from God through the circumstance He has placed me in, and I will serve my Master today by doing the quality of work I would do for someone who paid me up front, which He has. After that, I will continue to serve my family, my friends, my Master in whatever ways He leads me. I will enjoy the smile of my Master, even when I fail, or even when I reveal my foibles. I will enjoy the radical acceptance of my Master as I serve, trusting that He has my back, that He connects the dots in my work that I can't even see or haven't found yet. So, my new, over-arching task is to master the obvious, service to my Master.
So far, I have been starting and sustaining my prayer time with the two statements, "You love me," and "You have my back." It is now time to add a third. In Hebrews, the writer (maybe Paul, maybe not) speaks of Abraham in Chapter 11 verse 8 and how he moved without knowing where he was going. Chambers goes somewhere different that I expected with the verse. He says that Abraham demonstrated his faith in God by separating himself from his family. But Chambers differentiates this from holiness for some reason. I don't think they should be. It may not be the sanctification which God brings out in my life daily, but I believe it is part of it. Either way, he points to the separation of Abraham from those elements of his life that would be distracting or obstructive to his relationship with his Master. I believe that this concept and perspective on this verse gets at something that occurred to me after wrestling with holiness yesterday.
First a comment on holiness. I typically explain the concept of being holy as being "odd for God". In other words, it refers to something unmistakably referring to God due to its difference from those things which do not. Spoons look a lot alike, regardless of material they are made of. But the particular use of a spoon can be ascertained by a few small hints, like size. Big spoons are for serving food, smaller ones are for eating it. Shiny spoons are for more formal occasions than plastic-ware. So too, my life, even though it is shaped like a lot of other lives, should have some clues that indicate a purpose which originates from my Master. Those clues constitute holiness. Those I can handle, perfection I can't. So I am responsible for some of those clues, and other no so much. Some are fruit of my Master's Spirit within me, and some are made up of my own choices of what I will and will not do, where I will and will not go, and priorities for my time.
Now the element that has been missing in those initial statements follows naturally from the effects of them. To state to my Master that, "You love me" is to accept that He accepts me radically, not on my own merit but on His sovereign choice. The point with that statement is to activate the effects of unfathomable grace from my Master. The second statement, "You have my back" drives home that I can trust my Master completely. Regardless of my life circumstances, the important elements of eternal things remains secure. As Paul points out so clearly in Romans 8, nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus; nothing at all. So, from grace I move to faith, faith that liberates me from the fears which bind me to the chains of this world, and do so without purpose or benefit. Now on to the next step, the next phrase I declare to my Master is, "and I am at Your service." Hmm. How long it has taken to get to this point, and why so long?
I responded to the struggle accepting the unqualified acceptance of God with shame. I knew implicitly that I could not earn such acceptance, so I hid, like Adam in the garden, I hid with leaves as large as I could find. But in hiding, the shame only grows. I know I am not what I appear to be to those around me and I fear what will happen when I am discovered. The shame fueled a sinful life focused on self, seeking to medicate the pain which is the festering ache of shame, an inescapable result of accumulating vast pools of shame in the vacancies of my life. The statement as I seek the face of my Master, "You LOVE me" cut through high dams blocking the reservoirs and released the shame I used as fuel for my self-centered sin. They were so extensive that this statement was necessary first. I had to come to terms with the way my Master sees me and accept that what is true is His perspective of me. I had to accept it without the benefit of understanding or being able to explain it. He is sovereign and He chose me, I don't know why me.
After working through the radical acceptance of my Master, I found that my sinful habits were still a problem. They may have originated from those pools of shame, and they were also sustained by other things. I probed again beneath the surface of my life and found fear lurking in the dark recesses of my character. I was afraid and those fears directed various elements of my life, like relationships with others. Now from grace I launched into a fearless addressing of my personal security. I pursued the underlying basis of these ridiculous pretensions, and found a sense where I had learned that I am responsible for my own security. But there was this inescapable understanding underlying such an expectation that I could NOT control my environment sufficiently to protect myself. It was a silly expectation that I somehow be able to keep myself, and then my family, and then my friends safe. It was not possible. I had no control over my environment, only over my response to it from within it. I was placed in this terrarium by my Master and it belongs to Him. So, I came to the only reasonable conclusion that I had to trust (have faith in) the One who owned and maintained this environment I live within. So, from grace I traveled into faith.
Now I am finding that the struggles I face are more simple behavior and attitude problems; much like everyone else I suppose, but new for me. In the entries to this blog, I have bandied about the idea of service, pointed to the need of it, the foundation for it, the many varied ways I have messed it up in the past, and so on. The next step for me is to practice the marks and clues to my different purpose and use through service to my Master. I need to move from grace, through faith, into submission. I need all these elements, I need them to flow from one to the other. For me to reverse them will create the same repetition of problems I faced in my previous attempts. I will serve for wrong reasons out of a grace-less, fear-ridden, sense of unobtainable obligation. Oh, and I will need to do so with joy.
So, I will begin my times with my Master, and my reconnections throughout the day with three phrases instead of two. "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service." Well, the sprinkler refuses to fix itself, and the grass is dying. I consider that a calling from God through the circumstance He has placed me in, and I will serve my Master today by doing the quality of work I would do for someone who paid me up front, which He has. After that, I will continue to serve my family, my friends, my Master in whatever ways He leads me. I will enjoy the smile of my Master, even when I fail, or even when I reveal my foibles. I will enjoy the radical acceptance of my Master as I serve, trusting that He has my back, that He connects the dots in my work that I can't even see or haven't found yet. So, my new, over-arching task is to master the obvious, service to my Master.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Being the Dish I Wash
I have a problem. If you've been following this blog for any time, you would agree that is an understatement. I have a host of problems, but I want to focus on one in particular today, that I tend to minimize or ignore. Readers may have already picked up on it, so if it's obvious already...well, get over it. It's new to me.
I have been neglecting my responsibility to cleanse myself and perfect or complete holiness in myself. I should be doing this in fear of my Master. As my ministry buddy, Paul, says in 2 Corinthians 7:1, as a result of the promises lined out in chapter 6, I should purify or cleanse myself (go through catharsis, which could also be emotional cleansing), and perfect or complete holiness in fear of God. There is not a lot of wiggle room or gray area in this statement. The promise in chapter 6 is the adoption by God which, as Paul puts it, God has already done. So the cleansing and completing of holiness is in response to a promise we trust has already been completed on God's part. Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm not working to gain the promise, I'm working in gratitude for having the promise already.
I seem to not be all that honorable a receiver of the promise. Having received the adoption by my Master, I then have not purified myself and do not consider holiness to be completed in me. I have not done this in fear of my Master. I still lust, I still speak negatively about someone without knowledge, I still consider hone my sarcasm and cynicism regularly. These are not the actions which increase holiness, but rather the opposite. These actions make me look like everyone else, and that means common or profane (in the sense as not set apart for special use by a deity, not in the sense of cussing or something). Because these terms which are antithetical to holiness are so often used for using "bad" or four-letter words, the application of them to daily life is lost. But it is actually more appropriate to use them for daily living than my language. If I use a lot of "colorful" language, I don't talk like everyone else, I don't hear that language at work. But if I act with a cynical attitude, then my attitude does look like those who have no relationship with Jesus, and that is profane, common, or vulgar, in their actual meanings. They have been vilified to the point of uselessness in the development of holiness.
It would be great if I could blame my lack of holy development on semantics of antithetical terms, but I can't. I may not be able to use those antithetical words for what I do normally, but I still understand that my actions and attitudes are not holy. I know that my words and terms are more like the world I live in rather than my home world of Heaven. I know those facts even if those around me do not. That they do not notice anything different about me is what speaks volumes in support of my point. I am not holy if there is nothing appreciably different about my demeanor than the agnostics, practical atheists, and utilitarians I work with. If my actions do not declare that I know God exists, or I give the impression that I simply go with whatever works regardless of moral implications, then I cannot be distinguished from those categories of people around me who have no practical daily working relationship with the Master of the universe. That's not an opinion, that is true by definition of holiness, of agnostic, of practical atheist, of utilitarian, and therefore of me when I fit those other definitions.
I may not actually be those things, but no one knows my true character unless my actions support that character and make it known. I may have been adopted by the Master of all space, time, and matter. But it is a grand secret I keep until I perfect holiness in fear of God. Perhaps I have tasted and seen that He is God, but if I keep it a secret, then I have not ritually purified myself for the special use of this One I serve (or am supposed to be serving). If some random person were to survey my co-workers regarding my beliefs, would they be able to point to actions and attitudes on my part that support what they may suspect from sporadic claims I have made in the last five years? Or would their answers approximate something more like, "Well he said that he believes in Jesus, but..." Whatever follows the but is the verifiable part, and is more real in their minds than any claim on my part.
Today, I will attempt to cleanse my mind, my attitudes, my actions, my speech from cynicism, sarcasm, and curb my imaginations desire to jump to conclusions without knowledge. I will seek today to be more available to the special use of my Master. Boy this will take a lot more than a shower.
I have been neglecting my responsibility to cleanse myself and perfect or complete holiness in myself. I should be doing this in fear of my Master. As my ministry buddy, Paul, says in 2 Corinthians 7:1, as a result of the promises lined out in chapter 6, I should purify or cleanse myself (go through catharsis, which could also be emotional cleansing), and perfect or complete holiness in fear of God. There is not a lot of wiggle room or gray area in this statement. The promise in chapter 6 is the adoption by God which, as Paul puts it, God has already done. So the cleansing and completing of holiness is in response to a promise we trust has already been completed on God's part. Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm not working to gain the promise, I'm working in gratitude for having the promise already.
I seem to not be all that honorable a receiver of the promise. Having received the adoption by my Master, I then have not purified myself and do not consider holiness to be completed in me. I have not done this in fear of my Master. I still lust, I still speak negatively about someone without knowledge, I still consider hone my sarcasm and cynicism regularly. These are not the actions which increase holiness, but rather the opposite. These actions make me look like everyone else, and that means common or profane (in the sense as not set apart for special use by a deity, not in the sense of cussing or something). Because these terms which are antithetical to holiness are so often used for using "bad" or four-letter words, the application of them to daily life is lost. But it is actually more appropriate to use them for daily living than my language. If I use a lot of "colorful" language, I don't talk like everyone else, I don't hear that language at work. But if I act with a cynical attitude, then my attitude does look like those who have no relationship with Jesus, and that is profane, common, or vulgar, in their actual meanings. They have been vilified to the point of uselessness in the development of holiness.
It would be great if I could blame my lack of holy development on semantics of antithetical terms, but I can't. I may not be able to use those antithetical words for what I do normally, but I still understand that my actions and attitudes are not holy. I know that my words and terms are more like the world I live in rather than my home world of Heaven. I know those facts even if those around me do not. That they do not notice anything different about me is what speaks volumes in support of my point. I am not holy if there is nothing appreciably different about my demeanor than the agnostics, practical atheists, and utilitarians I work with. If my actions do not declare that I know God exists, or I give the impression that I simply go with whatever works regardless of moral implications, then I cannot be distinguished from those categories of people around me who have no practical daily working relationship with the Master of the universe. That's not an opinion, that is true by definition of holiness, of agnostic, of practical atheist, of utilitarian, and therefore of me when I fit those other definitions.
I may not actually be those things, but no one knows my true character unless my actions support that character and make it known. I may have been adopted by the Master of all space, time, and matter. But it is a grand secret I keep until I perfect holiness in fear of God. Perhaps I have tasted and seen that He is God, but if I keep it a secret, then I have not ritually purified myself for the special use of this One I serve (or am supposed to be serving). If some random person were to survey my co-workers regarding my beliefs, would they be able to point to actions and attitudes on my part that support what they may suspect from sporadic claims I have made in the last five years? Or would their answers approximate something more like, "Well he said that he believes in Jesus, but..." Whatever follows the but is the verifiable part, and is more real in their minds than any claim on my part.
Today, I will attempt to cleanse my mind, my attitudes, my actions, my speech from cynicism, sarcasm, and curb my imaginations desire to jump to conclusions without knowledge. I will seek today to be more available to the special use of my Master. Boy this will take a lot more than a shower.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Curly's Secret to Life: Just One Thing
In the movie, City Slickers, the old crusty dangerous trail boss, Curly, has a secret to life: "One thing, you figure out what that is, and all the rest don't mean..." well, that's why the movie was PG, not G. Anyway, Paul has a similar philosophy, but he discloses what that "one thing" is supposed to be. In 2 Corinthians 5:9 my familiar ministry buddy, Paul says that we strive with gusto to be pleasing to our Master. First off, context that provides the motivation is the knowledge and preference to be before the throne of the Master, in other words, we're all going to die. Second, the response is an intensified form of just striving, or having a goal in mind. Whether alive or gone on to heaven, we want to be pleasing to our Master, so says Paul.
This sounds great, but once again, my buddy Paul refuses to support the model of ministry I pursued. Because of my weakened self perception (not one of total acceptability through the grace of my Master) I sought to prop that self-perception with the praise of people. People at a church, any church, are not the best place to find such a prop. This is espcially true for the one out in front, leading through this life with our Master. For whatevery reason, the one in this position really become a target for derision rather than a beacon of hope or something else positive. There are plenty of examples of this, one of my favorite is Moses, who is constantly providing both his Master and his people reminders that he is an imperfect human leader. While the people of Israel may praise him now, and sing his acolades in every synagogue around the globe today, they had a real problem following him in the wilderness. Proof after proof was provided, and still they challenged his leadership or fitness to lead. Tough gig.
In my attempt to lead, my focus left the one Paul describes. If I had sought only to be pleasing to my Master, not trying to be "accepted" but pleasing to Him, there would have been a lot I would have done differently. My attitude sure would have been different. And I did try this over and over. I did seek to acquire and live out this attitude of being accepted already, just trying to please Him, but I could not disconnect pleasing Him from being acceptable. I still sought to earn a place before Him, having already been freely given that place, and called to walk about in it. So, the pain and shame I felt from not accepting that I was already accepted I medicated with my favorite smelly dog-toy of a habbit. The habbit fed my shame, and this cycle kept me from really being a pastor that these people needed. I have no idea if I could have made a difference in their lives, but I do know that the experience would have been very different for me. My pain at their rejection would not have devestated me as it did. My shame at failing at my calling would not have kept me from it for so long, or at all. I may not have left in the first place. I don't know what specifically would have been different, and not much good can come of guessing, I just know that it would have been different.
So what about now? Now I still have the challenge to make pleasing Jesus my "one thing." I still can, this morning, change from pleasing whoever for whatever reason to pleasing only my Master for the amazing gift of already being accepted as I am. I can't change or even make up for mistakes of focus in the past. But I can change today. Even with the mistakes in the past, I am still accepted today. That lack of focus because of a perceived lack of acceptance did not negate my acceptability before my Master. Can you accept that? I think I can, but it is a real stretch of my imagination. It will take practice, and I should begin (or continue) today. Who cares what others think except the Other who is my Master? If He ain't happy, don't much matter who else might be. If I can't focus on pleasing Him, then there is really no point to trying to please others. Well, now it's time to exercise this body to the tune of 20 minutes with Jillian Michaels. But I don't have to meet her expectations or those of my wife and daughter, only my Master. He will accept me regardless of how strong my body is or how dedicated I might be to some physical regemine. But here I go anyway.
This sounds great, but once again, my buddy Paul refuses to support the model of ministry I pursued. Because of my weakened self perception (not one of total acceptability through the grace of my Master) I sought to prop that self-perception with the praise of people. People at a church, any church, are not the best place to find such a prop. This is espcially true for the one out in front, leading through this life with our Master. For whatevery reason, the one in this position really become a target for derision rather than a beacon of hope or something else positive. There are plenty of examples of this, one of my favorite is Moses, who is constantly providing both his Master and his people reminders that he is an imperfect human leader. While the people of Israel may praise him now, and sing his acolades in every synagogue around the globe today, they had a real problem following him in the wilderness. Proof after proof was provided, and still they challenged his leadership or fitness to lead. Tough gig.
In my attempt to lead, my focus left the one Paul describes. If I had sought only to be pleasing to my Master, not trying to be "accepted" but pleasing to Him, there would have been a lot I would have done differently. My attitude sure would have been different. And I did try this over and over. I did seek to acquire and live out this attitude of being accepted already, just trying to please Him, but I could not disconnect pleasing Him from being acceptable. I still sought to earn a place before Him, having already been freely given that place, and called to walk about in it. So, the pain and shame I felt from not accepting that I was already accepted I medicated with my favorite smelly dog-toy of a habbit. The habbit fed my shame, and this cycle kept me from really being a pastor that these people needed. I have no idea if I could have made a difference in their lives, but I do know that the experience would have been very different for me. My pain at their rejection would not have devestated me as it did. My shame at failing at my calling would not have kept me from it for so long, or at all. I may not have left in the first place. I don't know what specifically would have been different, and not much good can come of guessing, I just know that it would have been different.
So what about now? Now I still have the challenge to make pleasing Jesus my "one thing." I still can, this morning, change from pleasing whoever for whatever reason to pleasing only my Master for the amazing gift of already being accepted as I am. I can't change or even make up for mistakes of focus in the past. But I can change today. Even with the mistakes in the past, I am still accepted today. That lack of focus because of a perceived lack of acceptance did not negate my acceptability before my Master. Can you accept that? I think I can, but it is a real stretch of my imagination. It will take practice, and I should begin (or continue) today. Who cares what others think except the Other who is my Master? If He ain't happy, don't much matter who else might be. If I can't focus on pleasing Him, then there is really no point to trying to please others. Well, now it's time to exercise this body to the tune of 20 minutes with Jillian Michaels. But I don't have to meet her expectations or those of my wife and daughter, only my Master. He will accept me regardless of how strong my body is or how dedicated I might be to some physical regemine. But here I go anyway.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Coming Court Appearance
I have had some well-meaning believers tell me about the "7 Thrones of Judgement" or some other theological perspective, and typically in it, we bypass judgement or it is somehow different for us. Frankly I doubt it. I see different descriptions of judgement, but I suppose them to be different descriptions of the same thing. I do believe that once judgement has been completed, that the irony of existence will be this book in which are the names of those who have had faith in Jesus. The deeds will be weighed, but only those whose names are in the book will be found in heaven. I call this an irony because the first part is very much like what other religious views hold. Be good and God will pay attention to your deeds. But the result is extremely different. There will be no "scale" to weigh the heart, no balance to determine if good outweighed bad in my life, and no accountant to inventory my store of actions to find a final value of goods. Instead, it will be like court today. We will be either guilty of breaking God's law or not (I'm guessing guilty), and then, when the punishment is meted out, suddenly this separation between sheep and goats takes place, the wheat from weeds, or whatever. It will be the roll call from the book which sets apart those who will be getting into Heaven, not their guilt or innocence before God (since we are all guilty). One court appearance.
I believe that I mentioned before that in that court appearance it is rigged my way. My defense attorney is the Son of the Judge, and my Counsel has already taken the punishment I have worked so hard to obtain on Himself. So, yes, I'm guilty, but, no, I don't receive punishment, I receive admittance to Heaven. I win, and that feels so great. But there is still the court appearance. My failure and guilt will still be reviewed in court, and the accuser of humanity will still have his go at me. I will have my day in court, and it will end well, but be gruelling to endure while to goes on.
The reality I must face each day is that what everyone I work around, live around, sit around, and breathe around will some day get a front-row seat to see exactly what I was thinking while around them. That day in court will be the end of secrets, of lies, of pretense, of every prop, rotten or whole, I have used to appear other than I am. The magic show of slight-of-hand, mirrors, misdirection, and illusion will be over. I will finally appear just as I am to the world in which I lived. I guess, but do not know, that this audience will also include those around this globe who never knew me, but were somehow affected by what I did or failed to do on their behalf, whether pray, or contribute cash, or go to them as I was sent by my Master. Yes, I fully expect to be ashamed on that day of what will finally be known about me. My hope is that, after the first couple of hours of reviewing my failures, the audience will loose interest and break out their ethereal smart phones, hand-held games, or whatever and stop listening to my shameful list of deeds. Not much chance of that, but still, I can hope.
So, how about today? Sure, I have years of failures to fill the pages of court documents for hours, days, probably weeks on end. But will I continue to fill those sheets today? Oh, probably. But perhaps I can slow down the writers cramp of whichever angel was tasked with recording todays rebellious acts. Perhaps, today, this servant of the Most High God will have less to record than yesterday. What if I were more obedient, less rebellious, and listened to my Master throughout the day? There would be one happier recorder of deeds (what a job, how depressing). Today, I will again seek that respite in the afternoon to appear before the throne of my Master, and worship Him, to reset my attitude, and continue through the remainder of my day with Him in the front of my mind, not the back part. Today I will try and make less work for the heavenly court reporter tasked with my day. But I will also keep in mind the gratitude for the assurrance that all my failures cannot keep me from what my Master has prepared for me in Heaven. That's a huge relief. It takes a lot of the pressure off trying to be perfect. But I will still make the attempt. Someone will be pleased by that I'm sure.
I believe that I mentioned before that in that court appearance it is rigged my way. My defense attorney is the Son of the Judge, and my Counsel has already taken the punishment I have worked so hard to obtain on Himself. So, yes, I'm guilty, but, no, I don't receive punishment, I receive admittance to Heaven. I win, and that feels so great. But there is still the court appearance. My failure and guilt will still be reviewed in court, and the accuser of humanity will still have his go at me. I will have my day in court, and it will end well, but be gruelling to endure while to goes on.
The reality I must face each day is that what everyone I work around, live around, sit around, and breathe around will some day get a front-row seat to see exactly what I was thinking while around them. That day in court will be the end of secrets, of lies, of pretense, of every prop, rotten or whole, I have used to appear other than I am. The magic show of slight-of-hand, mirrors, misdirection, and illusion will be over. I will finally appear just as I am to the world in which I lived. I guess, but do not know, that this audience will also include those around this globe who never knew me, but were somehow affected by what I did or failed to do on their behalf, whether pray, or contribute cash, or go to them as I was sent by my Master. Yes, I fully expect to be ashamed on that day of what will finally be known about me. My hope is that, after the first couple of hours of reviewing my failures, the audience will loose interest and break out their ethereal smart phones, hand-held games, or whatever and stop listening to my shameful list of deeds. Not much chance of that, but still, I can hope.
So, how about today? Sure, I have years of failures to fill the pages of court documents for hours, days, probably weeks on end. But will I continue to fill those sheets today? Oh, probably. But perhaps I can slow down the writers cramp of whichever angel was tasked with recording todays rebellious acts. Perhaps, today, this servant of the Most High God will have less to record than yesterday. What if I were more obedient, less rebellious, and listened to my Master throughout the day? There would be one happier recorder of deeds (what a job, how depressing). Today, I will again seek that respite in the afternoon to appear before the throne of my Master, and worship Him, to reset my attitude, and continue through the remainder of my day with Him in the front of my mind, not the back part. Today I will try and make less work for the heavenly court reporter tasked with my day. But I will also keep in mind the gratitude for the assurrance that all my failures cannot keep me from what my Master has prepared for me in Heaven. That's a huge relief. It takes a lot of the pressure off trying to be perfect. But I will still make the attempt. Someone will be pleased by that I'm sure.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Third Sort of Fear of God
When I am told not to be terrified of God, but rather reverence Him, I just chuckle and shake my head. Clearly those who say such things have never really met God face to face. To do so is to need to change ones pants. But until today, I had only considered those two options. Today, I have discovered a third sort of fear of God. It's not an earth-shattering discovery, it was there all along, and some might consider it in one of the two categories of either reverence or terror. I discovered it in Mark 10:32. After Jesus has kicked out another prop of their assumptions by claiming it was tough for the rich to get into His Kingdom, He leads them on the road to Jerusalem, and the ones who witnessed this are amazed, and the ones following Him are afraid.
This third fear is one that comes as the realization strikes home that Jesus is not Who I assumed He was. He has refused to fit my assumptions, my paradigm, my desires for Who He should be, my underlying interpretive grid through which I filter Scripture and life events, basically everything that is of me and my ability to reason Him into a manageable box or framework (like this whole Trinity thing). This fear is the result of the fracturing and collapse of all that rotten wood, bailing wire, and duct tape I had been using as a container for the Maker of the universe. When I state it that way, the stupidity of the thing is really obvious, but in the process of constructing the facade, it seemed reasonable to have some "handles" to grasp in understanding this God loving me and calling me into a relationship with Him. It made the relationship a bit safer to accept and walk into.
And then, with a shutter and crash, the facade came down, and out stepped this Person for whom I was not ready. Scripture painted a word picture of some Person, and as the line began to form, my paradigm began to crumble. The Shining One of Bronze robed in white, the One seated on a throne of crystal, The One surrounded by terrifying winged creatures with tongs and burning coals, was hard enough to accept. But then He pours out wrath on His people and destroys Jerusalem with pagans, who raze it for 40 days committing atrocities against the inhabitants. Yet this is after over 400 years of warning, so even in the abundance of wrath is patience. This One kills, destroys, punishes, and liberates. Yet in the liberation He does not restore the former glory, but keeps those contained in a small, off-the-beaten-path city-state of Judah. And then, after strife with invaders once again, after self-rule, and then the invitation to the Romans to throw off the native rule, in the midst of the frustration and chafing with that choice, this same God then breaks into the history of His human creatures, entering time and space to live, act, and, eventually, die. To do so is weird, but to do so to make it possible for those creatures to relate to Him is weirder. What problem does the slaying of Your One and Only Son fix?
I thought it paid the debt for my sin, which, in part, it did. I thought it appeased the wrath of God stacked against me, which, in part, it did. I thought that, with the suffering and death of Jesus, I could now relate to God, which, in part, is true. But even combining all these truths together does not exactly get the whole picture of what happened, what Jesus was heading into on that road to Jerusalem. Why were these guys afraid. He had just challenged a rich guy to give it all up and follow Him (which was an offer He did not make very often), and that rocked their world view, and then He heads to Jerusalem, the home of those trying to kill Him. He is getting rid of those who would help and be influential in a conflict instead of gathering them together. He is heads off to Jerusalem as if He is anxious and in a hurry to get into that conflict they know is coming. What is up with this guy? Is He crazy? Is He going to get us killed? So, they follow, but with fear and some reservations. This is the third fear.
This fear may not last long, only until the false props and facade are completely gone; just in time for Him to begin work on another set of props and facade. I read four accounts of His death, and when I get to number four, the questions from the other three are answered in ways that crumble my own props and facade. He goes to His captors, and even though they fall over He gets everyone up and moving; He has a date with a destiny no one understands but Him, and He will not be late. He goes, leading those who are to lead Him away. He goes willingly, even anxiously, in a hurry to get into it. I read of the One in the garden Who prays to have the cup pass from Him, but not His will, but the Father's. I read this and wonder what that was about, what was going on in Him, hearing sermons stating one thing or another, making it only crystal clear that no one really understands that. And then, in John, He goes out to them, He faces them, and they fall back, to the ground. These are not the actions of One who is afraid or unsure. What was happening there in the garden before that day of His torture and execution? I am afraid, because what I mean when I say those words, please let this cup pass from me, are not what He means. I am afraid because this One does not fit my understanding of how things work, what my Master wants, nor Who my Master even is. I am afraid because He heads into the most horrific experience I can imagine as if He is looking forward to it.
What is the wrath of God poured out on me? Isn't it eternal separation from Him in the fires of Hell? Is it the flames or the separation that make up the real punishment? Is it the distance from that which has been permeated by the Maker of the Universe which truly constitutes Hell? If so, then what was Jesus running headlong into? Was it fire or something much more devastating? Could it have been something the likes of which I cannot wrap my mind around? Did this quality of God which is impossible to explain change on the cross of the execution of God? Did something happen that cannot be accepted by my paradigms, props, and facades around God? The person I fear suffered my well-earned wrath so I wouldn't have to. And that wrath which was suffered separated the One who was the One and Only Son of God, Part 2 of the Trinity, the Agent of Creation, the Bright and Morning Star, Prince of Peace, King of Kings from His Father. The earth shook, the ground split open, graves gave up their dead, and the separating veil in the temple was torn in two. But while all that was pretty impressive, what really happened was not seen, nor felt by anyone but the Master of the universe, Maker of stars and galaxies. He alone felt and suffered the effects of that wrathful event.
Yeah, I fear, and my assumptions about God are a shambles. I had a comfortable set of handles to understand my Master, and He shattered them. He refuses to do what I expect. I fear because I know that I truly do not, nor cannot know Him. He will never fit my frame-work. He will never conform to my level of understanding. I know that intellectually, but discovering it experientially is shocking and terrifying. It is the third fear, somewhere between reverence and terror. This third fear lies low, and simmers in the depths of my mind, just out of reach of conscious reason, the necessary pieces for understanding are too few. And so I just endure the problem of this fear until He finishes removing the debris of my former understanding. This is not what I had expected while waiting, it's an odd form of worship, and it's not comfortable to walk about before One Whom I fear without understanding.
This third fear is one that comes as the realization strikes home that Jesus is not Who I assumed He was. He has refused to fit my assumptions, my paradigm, my desires for Who He should be, my underlying interpretive grid through which I filter Scripture and life events, basically everything that is of me and my ability to reason Him into a manageable box or framework (like this whole Trinity thing). This fear is the result of the fracturing and collapse of all that rotten wood, bailing wire, and duct tape I had been using as a container for the Maker of the universe. When I state it that way, the stupidity of the thing is really obvious, but in the process of constructing the facade, it seemed reasonable to have some "handles" to grasp in understanding this God loving me and calling me into a relationship with Him. It made the relationship a bit safer to accept and walk into.
And then, with a shutter and crash, the facade came down, and out stepped this Person for whom I was not ready. Scripture painted a word picture of some Person, and as the line began to form, my paradigm began to crumble. The Shining One of Bronze robed in white, the One seated on a throne of crystal, The One surrounded by terrifying winged creatures with tongs and burning coals, was hard enough to accept. But then He pours out wrath on His people and destroys Jerusalem with pagans, who raze it for 40 days committing atrocities against the inhabitants. Yet this is after over 400 years of warning, so even in the abundance of wrath is patience. This One kills, destroys, punishes, and liberates. Yet in the liberation He does not restore the former glory, but keeps those contained in a small, off-the-beaten-path city-state of Judah. And then, after strife with invaders once again, after self-rule, and then the invitation to the Romans to throw off the native rule, in the midst of the frustration and chafing with that choice, this same God then breaks into the history of His human creatures, entering time and space to live, act, and, eventually, die. To do so is weird, but to do so to make it possible for those creatures to relate to Him is weirder. What problem does the slaying of Your One and Only Son fix?
I thought it paid the debt for my sin, which, in part, it did. I thought it appeased the wrath of God stacked against me, which, in part, it did. I thought that, with the suffering and death of Jesus, I could now relate to God, which, in part, is true. But even combining all these truths together does not exactly get the whole picture of what happened, what Jesus was heading into on that road to Jerusalem. Why were these guys afraid. He had just challenged a rich guy to give it all up and follow Him (which was an offer He did not make very often), and that rocked their world view, and then He heads to Jerusalem, the home of those trying to kill Him. He is getting rid of those who would help and be influential in a conflict instead of gathering them together. He is heads off to Jerusalem as if He is anxious and in a hurry to get into that conflict they know is coming. What is up with this guy? Is He crazy? Is He going to get us killed? So, they follow, but with fear and some reservations. This is the third fear.
This fear may not last long, only until the false props and facade are completely gone; just in time for Him to begin work on another set of props and facade. I read four accounts of His death, and when I get to number four, the questions from the other three are answered in ways that crumble my own props and facade. He goes to His captors, and even though they fall over He gets everyone up and moving; He has a date with a destiny no one understands but Him, and He will not be late. He goes, leading those who are to lead Him away. He goes willingly, even anxiously, in a hurry to get into it. I read of the One in the garden Who prays to have the cup pass from Him, but not His will, but the Father's. I read this and wonder what that was about, what was going on in Him, hearing sermons stating one thing or another, making it only crystal clear that no one really understands that. And then, in John, He goes out to them, He faces them, and they fall back, to the ground. These are not the actions of One who is afraid or unsure. What was happening there in the garden before that day of His torture and execution? I am afraid, because what I mean when I say those words, please let this cup pass from me, are not what He means. I am afraid because this One does not fit my understanding of how things work, what my Master wants, nor Who my Master even is. I am afraid because He heads into the most horrific experience I can imagine as if He is looking forward to it.
What is the wrath of God poured out on me? Isn't it eternal separation from Him in the fires of Hell? Is it the flames or the separation that make up the real punishment? Is it the distance from that which has been permeated by the Maker of the Universe which truly constitutes Hell? If so, then what was Jesus running headlong into? Was it fire or something much more devastating? Could it have been something the likes of which I cannot wrap my mind around? Did this quality of God which is impossible to explain change on the cross of the execution of God? Did something happen that cannot be accepted by my paradigms, props, and facades around God? The person I fear suffered my well-earned wrath so I wouldn't have to. And that wrath which was suffered separated the One who was the One and Only Son of God, Part 2 of the Trinity, the Agent of Creation, the Bright and Morning Star, Prince of Peace, King of Kings from His Father. The earth shook, the ground split open, graves gave up their dead, and the separating veil in the temple was torn in two. But while all that was pretty impressive, what really happened was not seen, nor felt by anyone but the Master of the universe, Maker of stars and galaxies. He alone felt and suffered the effects of that wrathful event.
Yeah, I fear, and my assumptions about God are a shambles. I had a comfortable set of handles to understand my Master, and He shattered them. He refuses to do what I expect. I fear because I know that I truly do not, nor cannot know Him. He will never fit my frame-work. He will never conform to my level of understanding. I know that intellectually, but discovering it experientially is shocking and terrifying. It is the third fear, somewhere between reverence and terror. This third fear lies low, and simmers in the depths of my mind, just out of reach of conscious reason, the necessary pieces for understanding are too few. And so I just endure the problem of this fear until He finishes removing the debris of my former understanding. This is not what I had expected while waiting, it's an odd form of worship, and it's not comfortable to walk about before One Whom I fear without understanding.
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