Letting my Master Decide About my Favorite Stuff Is Tough

This morning’s entry reminded me of something I had forgotten or had not applied as widely as I should have.  God takes care of those things I sacrifice to Him.  Those things that are unfit for His service are destroyed, and those things that are He transforms, making them holy.  So, even the good that is of me that I must sacrifice to my Master is transformed into something better.  Some of that good goes away, to be replaced by something better.  In Galatians 4:22 Paul uses the account of Sarah and Haggar to differentiate between the two natures of God’s people.

An element of this account not stated but rather implied in its use is that Ishmael was still kept and blessed by God.  So, while Abraham cast Haggar and Ishmael out in obedience to God, God still provided for Haggar and Ismael in the desert.  I hadn’t thought about that part.  I get so worried about giving stuff up, like my Master can’t take care of something precious to me.  If what I give to Him is useful to the purpose He has for me then He will transform it so that it will be from and about Him, rather than from and about me.  That’s what I really need. 

So, playing computer games, blogging, my preoccupation with my family, church, ministry, and all the other things I wonder about can be surrendered to my Master without fear.  Those things He wants for me (like my family) He will transform into something that glorifies Him (like making me a godly husband and father).  What I need to accept is that this transformation only happens as I surrender these things to Him.  I can’t hang on to them and expect Him to bless them.

I suppose that this means I have to let go of my returning customers.  I have to be willing to accept from my Master whatever He decides to bring me rather than what I can earn (and therefore control) through my own effort.  That’s not something I want to give up.  But, here again, I see that I must.  It must become enough that I glorify my Master in my work rather than seek my own glory.  Ironically, I despise the grandiose attitudes in other sales people, but seem willing to accept it to a lesser degree in myself.  Oh, hypocrite, thy name is Matt.  Hey, Who put this mirror here?  Is that what I really look like?  Bad-hair day, or time for a paradigm shift?

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, December 10

The Death of the Good So the Best May Live

I am going through a personal crisis right now in my job.  I have been told that we now have a rule that says that anyone just by leaving a message for a customer “owns” that account for 2 weeks.  That means that the customers I have worked for the last five years to develop, if they do call me back direct due to the level of service I provide, yet anyone has left a message for them, the message-leaver gets credit for the sale instead of me.  I was told that this won’t really affect my sales much.  Yesterday I lost $4k to it (which is a great sales amount for one day in my line).  It focuses on an area I am weak (smile-and-dial) and devalues an area I am strong (customer relations).

I am so angry about this that I’m completely distracted.  It’s consuming me right now, and as I think it through, I am feeling several emotions for a variety of reasons.  I feel fear because 26% of my sales came from these call backs, and I would not be near my goal, in fact I would fail without it.  I feel anger because I feel as if I have been cheated, like this isn’t fair, but also because I feel entitled to those customers.  When it comes right down to it, it is the entitlement thing that really gets me going.  I don’t agree with the rule on philosophical grounds, I think it undermines any focus on the customer, product knowledge, and sales skills; just dial and leave messages.

Here’s the problem I war with right now.  I am not entitled to anything.  I have said over and over that my Master has blessed me with sales this year.  Now it is time to put up or shut up about that.  If it’s true, then what I’m struggling with right now is my right to myself.  I am fighting within to reframe my perspective of these sales, and I’m losing at the moment.  This is where my “flesh” and “passions” are still strong and alive, and must be crucified (Galatians 5:24).  I don’t want to give them up, it feels right to let them live.  But I am self-righteous, self-justified, and champion a cause apart from my Master.  I must die, and so must these desires.

The justice of this rule is not my fight.  I’ve made my case, and I’ve been told I have to take it.  Now the fight belongs to my Master, and I have to accept that He may decide to use it to draw me closer to Him rather than vindicate my position.  I hate that and struggle against it, but it must form the vortex I cannot escape from.  I must succumb, because my life depends upon my demise.  This sense of entitlement and self-righteousness must die, specifically, I must crucify them.  It is my responsibility to kill them.  I can’t just back away and let them die of inattention.  I must nail them, piece by piece, strike by strike, to the cross of Jesus.

I’m not done whining yet.  I feel it even now surging up in me, justifying myself in my own eyes, imagining conversations I know will never happen.  I feel the emotion coursing through me, and I can’t sit still, I can barely focus on writing.  But I know what I must do, and I know I must do it as soon as possible.  “I am not entitled to these sales” is now my new chant.  This must become my current spiritual discipline.  Chambers makes a very good but difficult point this morning.  He says, “It is the good that hates the best, and the higher up you get in the scale of the natural virtues, the more intense is the opposition to Jesus Christ.”  It feels so wrong, yet I know is the best thing for me.  Pardon me while, I begin mumbling my chant.  I have to go to work.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 9

The Cross, Duty, Reality, and Jesus

I’m going to make a statement that may sound really…heretical perhaps, until it’s thought over.  The event of the Cross of Jesus does not sanctify me in and of itself.  The event of the Cross of Jesus saves me, and I have a relationship with my Master based on no other action, only His.  Yet I am sanctified as His Spirit works through that relationship to modify me; conforming me more into the image of my Master.  As that happens, I am made holy and fit for His use. 

What I have to accept is that my relationship with my Master is based on nothing other than His sacrifice on the cross on my behalf.  And that is true for all humanity.  One of the difficulties I have with this is that I find it very difficult to view my Master through a lens so differently than my human relationships.  He is not a man that He should change.  Yet I keep thinking that, once saved, I then continually have to work to retain my status before Him.  I have to work to maintain my relationship with my wife, my friends, my co-workers and company.   I don’t have to “work” to retain my relationship with my Master.

What good I do as a result of the relationship I have with my Master I do as an overflow of that relationship.  Hopefully, I can’t help but do right things.  The goodness should be a Spiritual Fruit of that relationship, not a duty.  Not that there is no duty involved in my relationship with my Master.  I am His servant, and servants have duties, and I have mine.  Obedience implies duty, even requires it.  But duty for One having done so much for me is a joy, not a burden.  Duty is an obligation I have, in this case, because I have obligated myself.  The obligation is part of the covenant I entered into with my Master.  And this covenant is heavily weighted to my benefit.

I am saved from destruction I earned through my rebellion against the Master of the universe.  He redeemed me from this destruction and offered me a covenant agreement that provides me eternal life in heaven.  What I give Him in exchange is all the stuff I tried to build on my own, the junk I once thought so precious.  The obligation I have to obey and the duty I have to perform is part of the result of the covenant.  I confess Jesus as Lord (Yahweh, Master, King) and that confession obligates me to obey.  It really is sort of silly to look on it as a tough thing though, as if I have to enslave myself, giving up my freedom and indenturing myself.

The King of all matter, Creator of the universe from proton to planet to galaxy, is already King without my acknowledgement.  My confession only acknowledges what is already true, He is King.  And it submits me to the One already in charge.  In a sense, my confession reframes my paradigm to reality rather than continuing in the paradigm of the illusion that I am in control of my environment.  On the surface, Americans recoil at the thought of “enslavement” but when the reality is discovered that we already are enslaved, it’s becomes a whole bunch easier to choose.  Enslaved to death or enslaved to life; it’s my choice.  Hmm, let me think.

The hard part is that considering myself as “in-charge” is how I used to define freedom.  It is how the world I live in defines it.  But in reality, submitting myself to my Master and obeying Him is really freedom; freedom from death, freedom to live out my purpose, freedom to walk the streets of heaven, and freedom to worship the One True God.  I have a master of some sort regardless of what I think.  The reality of this universe is that humans are enslaved.  But through the work of Jesus Christ, I can now choose my master, whether my selfishness and the enemy, or the One True Master of the universe; life or death, blessing or curse.

So, I am saved by Jesus’ sacrifice of Himself on the Cross.  And I am sanctified through His Spirit throughout the rest of my time here on earth.  It is while I am in that sanctifying process that I gladly serve my King and perform my duties He has given me.  And in all of this, I enjoy reality without illusion, seeing the universe as it is, and spending time with the One responsible for it.  Is there anything better than that?

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, December 8

A Little Christmas Repentance

It is December 7, Pearl Harbor Day, and today I examine repentance.  It’s really easy at this day to remember the terrible thing done to my country on that day.  But that produces nothing helpful in me.  It is better to see the amazing things my Master has brought about out of that tragedy.  It’s possible that if the Japanese had not destroyed the battleships in that harbor, the United States may not have won the war of the Pacific.  But other good came out of it.  This country finally galvanized around our leaders and the again entered into the world to influence it with our character (which was better then).

That’s not very specific, and I wish I had specific stories, but even those would overshadow the point.  Changing my mind about how I see this day is what repentance is about.  The difference is my view of my life apart from my Master.  Sin is my actions, attitudes, and thoughts I pursue away from my Master or outside of my relationship with Him.  They could be “good” as actions, thoughts, or attitudes, but apart from my Master they are sin.  If I can experience that change of mind, change of paradigm to see these things as sin, then I begin to repent.  My actions, attitudes, and thoughts do change, but as a result of repentance.

I have referred to the 12 Steps of AA as a spiritual discipline of repentance.  The program is designed to change my mind about my behaviors, my thoughts, and my attitudes toward my compulsion.  All three need to change.  The program is really effective at helping me accomplish this partly because it is so intertwined with submission and obedience to my Master.  The problem with living my life my way is that my way sucks.  I have proven over and over that I can’t handle even the mundane elements of my life.  But my stubborn self is at odds with surrender to any other way.

Repentance is where I turn from myself and towards my Master.  Last night I put on my new comfy headphones, and listened to a whole bunch of Christmas music as I drifted off to sleep.  It was beautiful and peaceful, but it also brought me to tears.  I was awash in thoughts that my Master invaded the cosmos He created in the most tender and vulnerable ways; the same way we all enter life.  I was immersed in thoughts that my Master would condescend to such an existence for me and my fellow rebels.  I was sorry for all I contributed to that requirement on Him.  Yet the whole experience was peaceful and happy.

In 2 Corinthians 7:10, Paul says that the physical suffering from God leads to repentance without remorse.  The result does not end in remorse, which Chambers seems to forget.  He goes on and on about remorse being the normal response to the rare experience of repentance.  When the people of Israel heard again the word of the Law read before them by Ezra and his scribes, they lamented all they had done to bring the judgment of God on their nation.  The priests and scribes said, “Don’t weep; the joy of Yahweh is your strength!”  The words were supposed to bring them into a right relationship with Yahweh, not leave them weeping outside.

So, yes, I wept last night listening to Christmas music.  That’s a normal response for me this time of year.  But I don’t experience as much sadness as joy at what was done; what I celebrate in this season.  The birth of Jesus forms the center around which I celebrate Christmas; and the renewal He brings, the hope I have because of His birth, and the promise of life I have through Him mean I celebrate with joy.  I weep, but I weep tears of joy, of amazement, of thankfulness, and love for my Master.  I will every time I enter again into the stable and kneel at the feed trough holding the Creator of the universe.

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, December 7

God's Covenant Love and Adrenaline

In Genesis 6 through 9, the account of God destroying all life on earth with a flood is chilling.  Noah and his family are saved, and immediately afterwards, the family breaks up.  Ham and Canaan are cursed and it is as if the garden and tree thing has happened all over again.  I suppose it is just telling evidence that it never went very far anyway.  Then the Tower of Babel, the Table of Nations, and then war for the rest of human history sum up the remainder of time from then until now.  Oh, I forgot, and God saved the world through His Son, Jesus.  At least that is how it seems sometimes.  But it’s not.

There is a difference in this world and in human history because the Creator of humans has not left us alone.  For reasons that are all His own, I see record after record of one covenant after another with this rebellious cantankerous rabble He created, wiped clean, and started again.  I call the reason I don’t really understand, love.  He loves me (us really).  But that word has to be defined for me by what He has done.  Love is now thousands of years of patience with the crazies crawling on the earth.  Love is continually engaging ones in conversation, covenants, giving laws, and finally invading their paradigm, allowing Himself to be killed.

So, I don’t really fully understand love; only to the degree that I see my Master’s work.  And I suppose the question posed by Chambers this morning is, do I believe that and abide by that final covenant?  It better be yes, but is it?  I am still so wrapped up in me that I wonder.  Honestly it’s not like I expect my Master to do more than He has done.  It honestly has to do with my knowledge of His love having no bounds.  I know He forgives me.  I am ashamed to say it, but I know I can get away with my sinful things because I know the One who sees me also forgives me.  It is as if I have said with my life that sin should abound all the more.

The wrong I do is not unconscious.  Sometimes it is habitual, but that never lasts.  The stuff that lasts or in which I continually participate are things I know are wrong.  Being a bully to my daughter instead of lovingly correcting her is not something I do because I think it’s the way a parent is supposed to be.  I do it for the same reason bullies have always done that:  I feel powerful and less afraid when I exert control over others.  It’s stupid and devoid of surrender to my Master.  When I am irresponsible, when I am…wow, this is depressing.  Anyway, I’m sinful and it has to do with me breaking a covenant with my Master.

The answer is being faithful to my Master.  It really comes down to tipping the emphasis of my time and life toward Him.  Lately it has been toward games.  That’s not working for me.  I just ejected the disc that has been in my drive for weeks now, and put it away.  It’s not an evil game per se, but it has been consuming me.  It’s intense, and while that’s not wrong, it’s something appealing and easy for me to obsess over.  I crave the adrenaline.  And it’s safe; I get the adrenaline rush without jumping off a bridge with rubber bands attached to my ankles.  I don’t have to base-jump; I can focus on a computer screen.  I see it has become bad for me.

If my brother wants to play, then I can for social reasons.  I have been telling myself I’m practicing.  I was for a while, but I’ve practiced.  There are things around here I need to do, laundry, shopping for my wife (did I mention Christmas is coming?), and so on.  I’m not running short of things to occupy my time.  I have blog entries I’m stacking up for after December 15.  I’ve got stuff to do, so I won’t be bored.  It all lacks the adrenaline though, the intensity.  So I know that it will be difficult for a while, but peace seems at odds with adrenaline.  Let’s see how I do with peace for a few days.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 6