So, You're NOT Supposed to Compost in the Gutters?

Compost is one of those things I've always intended to do, but never took the time to look into how to get it going.  I know it's not as hard as I make it out to be in my mind.  I'm sure it is a great way to furtilize our lawns and shrubs.  I've heard that it is really good for the environment to compost.  I know that my lawn mower and leaf vac both mulch, making it even easier to collect and compost our lawn and garden debris rather than add to land fills.

Well, today, my family started cleaning out our gutters along the roof, especially under the tree which has become the bane of our existence, the live oak.  This huge tree is great for shade, but sheds all year, dumps an especially large amount in the spring, has acorns everywhere, tiny trees since the dogs ran off the squirrels, and has a special affinity for our gutters.  Our gutters under that tree fill within the week.  Once it rains, the leaves on the bottom get soft, and only the top ones dry.  So when we begin digging into the overflowing gutters, we discovered that we actually are composting.  All we needed to do is to toss some of the nitrogen-rich rotting leaves over our lawn, shrubs, and trees instead of dumping them into the paper lawn bags for disposal.  This is great! Along the east side of the house, I can just stand on a retaining wall and reach in for the stuff of life of our plants.  This will be easy.

By the way, are our gutters supposed to sag and slant away from the down spouts?  I ask because they do, and I was wondering if our unintentional composting was causing it.  The stuff doesn't just smell a lot, it also weighs a lot.  The damp wet is heavy with retained water (like me on the weekends).  And the straps holding the gutter to the roof are popping off the screws.  So, perhaps this isn't the best method of composting.  Just because I don't want to clean the gutters every week does not make composting in my gutters a good idea.  Just because I can pull out compost by the hand fulls just about whenever I please, does not make gutters the best place to store it.  Sure, I don't want to clean the gutters.  It's messy, smelly, and takes a long time.  It is somewhat like laundry because that stupid tree replaces all I pull out within the week, and then the rains ensure that the leaves both decompose and cause the gutters to sag.  The leaves alone negate any benefit the gutters may have provided in the first place.

It seems so futile t use the gutters under the tree for anything other than composting.  But is it always right to make the best (compost) of a bad situation (constantly clogged gutters)?  What if the consequences caused by the "lemonade" are worse than the lemons themselves?  Just because life hands me lemons, doesn't mean that I have enough sugar to make the lemons palatable.  So, while composting is good, perhaps avoiding keeping the gutters clean to compost in the gutters isn't so good.

It's odd how I apply this philosophy of making lemonade when life hands me lemons to other areas of my life.  I really like making lemonade, but sometimes I substitute things for the sugar that is probably not conducive to good tasting lemonade.  For instance, at work I have to call customers and sell them products and services.  My customers are mostly tax and accounting professionals, and as you may know, March 14 is well nigh in the middel of tax season.  You'd be amazed at how grumpy tax and accounting professionals get when you call them to sell them stuff while they have scads of complex and problematic stacks of tax forms around them.  You'd think they'd appreciate the break away from the pressure, but I guess not.  So, when I call (and they actually answer), I imediately feign shock, apologize for interrupting them, and then launch into my description of the discounts which they would miss if they waited until after tax season to purchase what they usually get anyway, only later in the year.  So, is this a good idea?  My boss doesn't really think so.  She would rather I be chipper talk to them as if this is the most natural thing in the world, to call during their busiest time of the year, when they have the fewest braincells to spare for thinking, to call and have them make a decision about what they will be doing in the summer, some three months away.  I like my method better.

But is it right to feign shock, when I would fully expect them to be working 60 hours plus each week?  Is it right to be pushing on them the things they may want, but might also tick them off so that they won't buy from us later?  They might and they might not, so that one is really not that valid.  But my tone works well.  I get fewer upset and angry responses than my teammates, so maybe it is right. 

What if I apply this concept to my life with God or ministry?  Is it right to make it possible to be less than totally comitted, taking the easier road (is that the wide road to distruction or the narrow road with fewer bumps to life? I can never tell the difference).  I doubt this is the position God wants of me.  I doubt he wants me making lemonade, or composting in my gutters.  I suspect that He wants me to take what is as it is, not as I would have it.  I suspect that He wants me to understand and accept that this sin-full world is just what one would expect from a sin-filled mass of humanity.  I suspect that God's example in Jesus was not one of making lemonade or composting in gutter, but rather taking the opportunities to further the Kingdom of His Father whenever His Father arranged those opportunities.  I suspect that Jesus was more about seeking to be where His Father led Him or wanted Him to be rather than wherever He wanted to be and hoped His Father would just bless Him where He was.  I suspect that obedience is supposed to be without reservations of dependence. 

I should stop composting in my gutters and simply do the work necessary to keep them clean.  I should take the lemons of life and use them as lemons, not seek to add splenda or aspertame to them to approximate lemonade.  I should take, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it (the full version of the serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr).  The reality of my situation is that life hands me fewer lemons that I see in the laps of others.  My Master has enabled me many times over to be a help to those who seem to have too many.  I take my water with lemon, write secret notes with lemon, and even use them to pelt those who should not be performing on stage (they hurt more than rotten tomatoes).  Not really, I just take them as the sour fruit they are, and enjoy the variety of fruit my Master has used to populate this world.  So, I have removed the compost from my gutters, and I will again next weekend. 

Choosing a Master on the Cafeteria Plan

I figured Oswald Chambers would get here sooner or later.  But he also goes as far as I've heard ministers go on the subject.  In Romans 6:16, my ministry buddy, Paul describes the situation to the church members in Rome where what ever they give themselves to becomes their master, whether sin or obedience to God.  Where Chambers goes with this is to run with the slavery picture Paul uses.  So, to whatever I present myself as a slave into obedience, to that I am a slave.  In other words, initially I choose to serve something (or someone) and after that choice is made, I am a slave without choices.

The first step of the 12 steps is, "We are powerless to control __________ and our lives have become unmanagable."  This does not describe how we got there.  The focus is on the situation at hand.  The choice of masters has been made and I am a slave without choice, powerless, unable to manage my own affairs due to the clamoring of my master for my attention.  For some this is alcohol, others it is narcotics, still others it is eating, shopping, sex, work, co-dependency, and then finally, my favorite category, "hurts, habbits, and hang ups."  Whichever I choose becomes my master and all other pretenders for the position must wait, family, friends, work, and God. 

Chambers cuts right to the heart of the step one when he points out that, "the first thing to do in examining the power that dominates me is to take hold of the unwelcome fact that I am responsible for being thus dominated."  Where he does not go (in this entry anyway) is into what to do about it now.  He says that only yielding to Jesus will break every form of slavery in my life, but how is that done?  How is it that I make the transition or change in masters?  After all, if I am a slave having once made my choice, I no longer have the ability to choose, even to choose another master.  He says as much, but then concludes, as do so many others, with choosing Jesus.  I can't!  That's the point!  I'm a slave, and yes it's my fault, but I'm still a slave.  Accepting that I am to blame for being a slave to whatever doesn't magically change my allegiance.  Something else must happen.

Slaves are freed in one of two ways.  Either someone (including themselve) buys them in order to free them, or they escape.  The latter is rarely a guarantee, and even the first one has dangers for some.  Paul goes to great lengths to describe God's solution, in fact this may form the essence of the entire Book of Romans.  God does act to free me from slavery.  He redeems me through the action of His Son, Jesus.  What Jesus has done is redeemed slaves, paid debts of the borrowers, taken punishment on Himself to appease the wrath earned by the guilty, achieved amnesty for the rebels, and balanced the requirements of justice reconciling the unjust with the justice of a Holy and Perfect God.  He is a busy Person.

So, what's the problem?  If Jesus has freed me from my slavery, why does it still have an effect?  The answer is contained in the context of the verse, verse 16.  I still choose.  The action of Jesus freed me to choose again, but I still must submit to someone.  What I do that causes me no end of pain and frustration is I try to dodge the problem by choosing myself, taking up my own mastery.  The problem with this choice is that it is never really myself I end up choosing.  Here's why.  First I choose myself, life gets a little crazy and, like everyone, I need help.  So I turn to something, it could be anything, for help.  But the help I want is to feel better, something to ease the pain and discomfort of life.  It is in the moment of that dependent choice that I again enter into slavery to something, whatever that something I imagine will make me feel better.  By choosing myself, since I am not up to the task of controlling the circumstances of this life I live, I will always seek another. 

Jesus' is not surprised here.  Eventually, neither is Paul.  What they both understand, and I am learning slowly is that I need to choose Jesus right up front to avoid the problems on the back end.  When I do, the pains of this crazy life situation I live within does not go away, but the acceptance and dependence upon my Master Who loves me like crazy enables me to do what I could never do before.  I can endure with peace, and experience a transformation of those circcumstances into opportunites to serve my Master.  It's crazy to think that before I was still serving a master, but afraid to let anyone know I was a slave.  Yet everyone I am around is in the same situation I am.  We are all slaves to something, whether we like to admit it or not.

So, how do I choose Jesus on the front end?  I believe two things are needed: 1) Practice, daily practice.  Choosing every day, hour, and minute to practice choosing Jesus.  B) Accountability.   Remember, that for me, accountability is part of why I write this blog.  This is not to say that I have been duped into believing that these are the only two things needed.  There are other things, but all the options taken, whether 12-steps, or counseling, or any other option, all must contain the two I mentioned.  These are the only two things that work for me.  Now, let me also say that I have struggled for over 20 years to break free from my favorite smelly nasty dog toy of an addiction.  Sure, I know I need those first two things, but while the first may be easy to say, it is extremely difficult to do.  Once I fail in the first, it's really easy to circumvent the second.  Then it is a short fall into the mire from which I can't rise on my own.

So, keep reading this, holding me accountable for what I write.  When I miss day, please complain.  It's not for you I write, but rather it is for me you read.  I hope, and believe, that God will help us both, but I do not do this for others.  If I did, I would want thanks, and attention, and "kudos", and whatever.  I do this because I have to in order to maintain some semblence of sanity and connection to my Master.  So, I thank you.  If you comment or don't that's fine.  The One I really want to please is my Master.  I wish He would comment once in a while (or do I?).

Who Is This God Person Anyway?

When I think of what God, my Master has done for me, I am taken on a wide tour of history, of physical science, of psychology of philosophy, of politics, economics, and sociology. What my Master has done on my behalf cut through the core of all these disciplines and into the center of my soul (or Psyche). I don't have value or worth, or importance, or even practical use apart from what my Master has done for me. I am made up of pieces from all these disciplines, and through all of these pieces is woven a thread that connects every experience and thought back to a Person. My life is defined by the underlying existence of the One responsible for everything, even "evil". Here's why. This One responsible for everything knows my name, and has made Himself knowable. Since there was no possible way for me to reach Him, He formed the path consistent with His character by which He and I could connect. The only motivation for this activity on His part is and strange and powerful form of love. "For God loves the world (kosmos) to the extent that He surrendered His One and Only Son so that anyone believing in Him would not be destroyed but have eternal life." When this statement is divorced from the One, it sounds odd but not powerful. But tie it back to, ground it upon, and fasten it permanently to the Maker and Sustained of the Universe, the Maker and Destroyer of stars, the meaning overwhelms and crushes lessor pretenders for my attention. If it were my neighbor, I'd call him an idiot or a fool, wonder how he could be so stupid to give up his only son, especially to do so for scoundrels and vagabonds. But when that Person has "Created the sun, earth, moon, and stars" on His resume, it becomes very difficult to consider Him an idiot; inexplicable perhaps but not an idiot. So I wait on such an inexplicable One. I worship such an inexplicable One. I walk about in the presence of such an inexplicable One. Sounds like a full day.

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Abandoned or Selfish

As I sit and look on a beautiful sunrise over Lake Benbrook, I am once again struck by Who I call Master. It's natural, I suppose, to think of the artist when confronted with the masterpiece. But does the weight of this knowledge become so enormous that I fail to live as though it's true? Chambers discussion of "abandonment" causes me to wonder if I trust my Master to care for those dear to me enough for me to leave my concern for them on the altar and be completely abandoned to His call and purposes. Or does my concern for them become an excuse I use to delay or ignore His call and purpose? This is especially difficult for me because I am so aware of my selfishness. I have a bad track record of neglect for my family to achieve my own ends, or indulge some desire of mine. So, now to claim that this choice is to become abandoned to God and is not like the others is tough for them to accept, and hard for me to claim. Honestly I don't necessarily trust myself. But where are lines? I just paused my writing to assemble bikes for my family, and fix a neighbor kid's bike. Was that wrong? Was that leaving my devotion to God for devotion to family? I think not. Devotion to my writing or even this blog is not the same as devotion to God. So, you see how easy it is for me to confuse my desires with devotion to God? This is why I don't trust myself. I hope that, within the struggle itself, I discover a pattern of abandonment to God in my attitude and behavior. I hope.

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Walking With My Eyes Open

This one of those entries in My Utmost For His Highest where I get somewhat lost in Chambers thought trail.  He starts out about being true to the vision God has given 24/7 and then, in mid-sentence/paragraph somewhere, switches to waiting for the vision.  The idea he is getting at he wraps up at the end, and I get what he was saying.  I suspect this is one of those entries heavily edited by his wife to fit within a page.

In any case, the idea is where he uses the phrase, "My utmost for God's highest," so I assume it's a pivotal entry.  The passage he works from is Acts 26, a speech by my buddy Paul to one of those rulers who hear him before he heads off to Rome to appear before Caesar.  It seems more for the rulers entertainment since neither of these guys can do anything to release him after he has appealed to Caesar.  In this speech he says that he was not disobedient to the heavenly vision (the one he received on the road to Damascus).  This statement is his transition from what happened to him to change him into what has gone on since.  It forms the segue into how he got there, capping off the reason why he would be there at all.

I do not have such an experience.  I was not knocked off my feet by a vision of Jesus in heaven asking me what I was doing, and why I was kicking goads.  He probably didn't want to explain what goads were, it would totally ruin the whole mood of the event.  No, there were no bright blinding lights, or voices for me.  For me, I felt two calls in two very similar settings.  Between them I discovered this book, the Bible had a lot more in it than I was taught in childhood.  It was an unsettling discovery, because I began asking questions that none of the older people around me would answer.  They seemed bothered by them.  The sequence goes something like this:

1. In Jr. High (Middle School), felt God calling me to preach while on a church youth group trip
2. Ignore call through High School
3. In the Army discover that the Bible has more in it than I first thought and am troubled by what I find
4. Ask those around me who taught me growing up, but they do not answer (I think they know but it troubles them too)
5. Receive the same call again while on a youth trip, this time as an adult counselor

At this point, I began to switch up my goals and direction in schooling.  It wasn't easy, and cost more than money (but it cost a lot of that too).  One of the colleges I attended had a strong religion program.  I sort of expected the same response to my questions, so, initially, I didn't ask.  But there, in my class, my teachers began asking these questions of us!  I laughed (it wasn't an appropriate time to laugh, but I was used to that).  I was validated and challenged to delve into this area of the Bible my former leaders would not go with me (don't get me wrong, it wasn't all that profitable a pursuit, it was fun and interesting - I have always been blessed to be led by amazing godly people who seemed to have better things to do than pursue biblical minutia for entertainment purposes).  I had two seemingly diametrically opposed skills while in school.  I was adept at using computers, and studying the Bible.

So, the vision I received was an odd picture or reflection in a pool where I kept touching the water and warping the view.  I believe that is partly what Chambers is talking about.  Wait for God to finish the vision before diving into the water.  Then, once you finally receive it, jump in, dive deep, and swim for the rest of your life here on earth.  So, I have been in and out of the water a lot (and it's always cold when I first get out).  I have returned to the pool again and again in hopes of seeing the vision complete.  I believe that my current situation is part of that pool-side vigil.  I wait for the next thing my Master gives me.  The house proceeds through the sales process, and we, look at options for renting locally until my daughter finishes school.  But beyond that we have no clear call to leave, and so, since we are here, we examine options to stay.  It's surreal, but I believe that is what my Master is calling me to do.  I wait for the vision, or the next part of it with an open available life.  I worship the great Master of all things which keeps me mindful of Who I am waiting on.  And I walk before Him because my day requires me to engage with this situation in which He has placed me.  So, today, I again walk, looking for the evidence of the next part of the vision.  I walk with eyes open, head up and looking about me, ears open (no headphones), and mind alert.  I wonder what my Master will show me today.

Public Speaking and Death

Among the greatest fears of my cultural contemporaries are public speaking and death, with those two vying for the top spot.  This, to me, is one of those ironies that can only be ascribed to God.  Since this culture is largely wrong (or at least terribly confused) about God it is surprising to find the basic underlying fears summed up in persons through whom their Master chooses to speak.  In order for a preacher to preach two things have to happen.  First, this crazed individual has to somehow overcome the fear of public speaking and speak.  Second, in order to speak on behalf of God, this person must overcome the fear of death and die.  The two requirements are closely related for the preacher.  But whenever you see one or hear one truly speaking for God, not just claiming to speak for God, you listen and see a paradox in the best sense of the word.  Here is a person who has died and speaks publicly.  Both fears appear conquered in a single individual; a thing which God does.

I believe that this was part of my struggle in my previous ministry experiences.  I have to admit that the public speaking part was the easiest thing I did as a pastor.  But, I am not sure that the fear of death was truly conquered in me.  Speak publicly I could do, but speak publicly for God I experienced off and on.  I'm not sure if this describes the sensation other pastors feel, and that is not the point.  The point is that the two fears should have been resolved in me, and were, when I spoke on God's behalf to His people.  They were just not consistently resolved.

The fear of death is clearly evident in prior posts.  It has to be conquered in order to speak for God, but that is true regardless of the venue.  Even if I speak privately, in crisis or pain, in happy times or sad times, next to a deathbed or just illness, it is only to the extent the fear of my personal death has faded that I am clear to hear my Master and speak to others out of that relationship.  I guess this is true for any believer, follower of the same Master.  But it entails more than just speaking.  If this death has truly occurred (or is occurring), then the behavior, attitudes, and priorities will reflect that death.  The focus of my life will obviously be on my Master, not on my own advancement (however I define self-advancement).  I think or imagine that I will experience life with the sense of being led from room to room in a large house with a task, sometimes different, sometimes the same, but one task for each room.  I do the work, but I work on behalf of another, not the occupants of the room, but the owner of the house.  It is a mindset I have not fully embraced yet, but I sense coming on, as if I am phasing in and out of it throughout my day, spending more time in than out or being more aware of my existence in either phase than previously (sounds very "Star Trek" of me, does it not?  "Beam me up, Scotty!").  I have had this sense more strongly at other times in my life, and have described my life with my Master to those close to me as somewhat like walking in two worlds simultaneously, or at least that it should be that way.

My life can be a great witness of the power and glory of my Master.  My life can also be an embarrassment to Him.  Either way two things happen.  First, I am a witness, good or bad.  Second, my Master loves me intensely.  This is yet another paradox of epic proportions.  So, I have a really good safety net with which to explore my fear of death.  I can test it, fail, try again, fail, succeed for a while, fail yet again, try again, etc. and do so with the assurance that, as I do, the love of my Master does not waver, halt, fade in or out with my success or failure (no "phasing" with Him), and is as sure as His very existence.  That is an amazing laboratory in which to experiment with fearlessness; a perfect venue to practice death; a safe place to face fears.  It's a place I need to go and hang out today.  Until tomorrow then,

What's the Alternative to Jesus?

One of the things I have been asked to do in a Bible study has been to imagine where my life would be now if I had never chosen to follow Jesus.  Well, imagine all I want, I have no idea.  I can only surmise the extent of how bad it would be, not real particulars.  For me, the worse thing to imagine is changing my mind and walking away from Him now.  This is one of the classic debates in Reformation Theology, can you choose not to follow once you have chosen to follow?  The answer is either, "yes" and your salvation is your choice rather than God's sovereignty, or "no" and your salvation is dependent on God's sovereignty, not your choice.  It's usually about this point in the discussion, after both sides have stated their positions, pontificated on the various passages of Scripture, and worked themselves up into a hateful, spiteful frenzy, that I suggest my Theology of the Last Man Standing (see my post from March 6, 2011) and become the new agreed upon target of their wrath.  The fun part is that Scripture seems to allow both views, which is really frustrating to both sides.  I figure if either view is not big enough of a deal to my Master to settle it one way or the other, why should it be to me?  I'm guessing there is another point He sees as more important.

So, having once experienced the close personal relationship with my Master, the Creator of the universe, Conqueror of all evil, Super Power of all powers, undisputed Ruler of everything, can I leave and find something better?  Can I simply divorce myself from this relationship, "I have outgrown you," and move on to... To what?  I understand that people who have no concept of how such a person could exist with so much wrong with the world can choose other relationships.  I get that; I think they're afraid or missing the obvious, but I get it.  I even get someone walking away from church; an amazing collection of frail faulty humans struggling to appear holy and devoted to God so no one will figure out their secret profane quirks and foibles.  I totally and thoroughly get that; I even considered walking away more than once myself.

What I don't get is someone walking way from God the Person, rejecting the relationship with their Maker once experienced.  Having said that, an anecdote is necessary.  I used to drive the US 101 freeway stretch between Camarillo, California, up the second steepest grade in California, to Agoura, California, and back every day.  On one particular on-ramp to the 101 heading back toward Camarillo, the trick is to get up to freeway speed as you come out of a hairpin circle with about 100 feet or less of straight disappearing lane.  The way the trick works is to push your vehicle of choice to the edge of its ability to grip the road at a given speed as you traverse the tight circle and then punch it as the car comes out of the curve into the short straight merge lane.  For some reason, in the midst of the tight circle, just at the edge of the feeling of the tires of my car starting to wiggle loose of the pavement, the thought of God's existence would float through my mind and I would wonder if all my devotion to Him, life spent in His service, or even my childhood really was for anything substantial and real.  It wasn't my death I considered, I guess that was sort of a given, that one day this curve would be the end of me.  It was about what happens then that my mind focused on.  What if this were all for nothing and God really didn't exist?  If that were so, what happens to my family when I die was really moot, or not my problem anymore.  In fact it would free me up to be callous about lots of things, like responsibilities.  You might imagine that entering the highway was a very grumpy person by the end of the short merge lane.  Some days you may have been right, but not typically.

What I learned in that short stretch of daily NASCAR terror was something of what Peter responded to Jesus when the Twelve were asked if they would be leaving as well.  In John 6, Jesus essentially runs off a huge crowd of followers by discussing devotion to Him in cannibalistic terminology, extremely offensive to the cultural mores of his listeners (including the Twelve).  This not what the Twelve expected, and seemed counter intuitive to trying to setup an earthly kingdom.  It seems that Judas didn't like it more than the other eleven, but, from Jesus' question to all of them, it migh be that their faces showed they weren't happy to see the crowd disperse either. "Do you also wish to leave?"  Peter answers for the rest (sort of, probably not Judas) when he says that they still believe Jesus is the "Holy One of God."

The lesson for he and I is that, at this point, there are not a lot of alternatives, in fact there are none.  The way I explain in conversation with others is that Jesus has become so insinuated in the very warp and woof of the core of my soul, that it would cost my very being to reject Him at this point.  I would have to become a completely different person.  I don't even know how to do that.  In short, I can't not believe in Jesus as the Son of God, Savior of the world.  The double-negative is an intentional emphatic device to drive home this point.  It is not possible for me to reject my belief in Jesus at this stage of my life, I have passed the point-of-no-return.  There are very deep and personal experiences that play into that, but there are also some philosophical elements that I have pushed through and discovered that my belief in Jesus as Savior really is the ony alternative that makes sense of this totally messed up world I live in.

So, while other alternatives may exist in the minds of my Master's other human creatures, they do not exist in mine, at least not for longer than it takes to circumnavigate a freakishly designed freeway on-ramp.  Is it possible to loose the relationship with my Master once gained?  It would be like loosing my heart or my head; if I did, I would be dead anyway, so the question is without merit.  Can I choose not to follow my Master once I have submitted to His mastery?  I honestly don't know.  I can't imagine the possibility enough to come up with a difinitive answer.  It doesn't really seem possible, but it goes beyond my ability to create such a setting in my mind, so I have no mental frame of reference to create a sustainable supportable answer.  I truly don't know.  Perhaps I need to take another spin on the on-ramp of death to consider again the possibility of the non-existance of my Master.  Right now though, I think I will just enjoy His presence and move on into this day He has given me.