Sin Crouching at the Door, What Do I Do?

Today Chambers examines the experience of Isaiah when he saw God in the Temple. Isaiah's response was about the sin of his lips. Chambers says that God dealt with him right at the point of that sin. The conclusion that Chambers draws is that the presence of God always brings me to see my sin in particular rather than in general. I would have to agree with that. I don't know enough to know of others experiences, but that is certainly true for me.

I am aware of sins of mine in thoughts, like lust or selfishness; in actions, like snide remarks or sarcastic disrespect; in decisions, like to not get off my butt and help my wife with something; and in prejudices, like against personality-based ministries/ministers. And these areas are not exhaustive, but they are instructive. They help me stay within the boundaries of my desperate need for my Master.

I am not a "perfected" saint. But I can easily lapse into a feeling that I am "good enough" because my Master has done so much transforming work in me in the last six months. I would be easy to relax, but even as I think the thoughts, the old patterns of thought and behavior creep into my mind. It doesn't take much. I fear the rottenness at my core, but the fear drives me to my Master. He has transformed me these past months. I have only done things to give Him the access He has always wanted, that was my only contribution.

I need to keep that in mind because the old patterns can have a devastating effect if I relapse at this point. I admit that I probably will at some point. I say that not to give myself license but because my Master tells me that the heart of man is desperately sinful, and that includes my own. It has always been my pattern of rebellion against my Master, seeking to usurp His position in my life, which has enslaved me to sinful behaviors. It has been my mind that has been my downfall; and there is some irony in that.

Way back in my childhood, a friend of my parents gave me a drink of a beer. We were in their garage and I eyed this "mystical" can he held while he and my dad talked. Noticing, he asked if I wanted a sip. Sure! It was the most disgusting taste I had ever experienced at my age. It had such a pronounced effect that I don't even like the smell of alcohol. But when quizzed on this in the Army, I would tell people that my brain was really the only thing I had going for me, so I didn't want to waste any brain cells with alcohol or drugs. As it turns out, those brain cells were the very thing setting me up for failure. Isn't it always the way?

I tried in my own power and for my own reasons to resist something potentially harmful, only to be harmed by the very thing I sought to protect. The solution required me to relent and give up my desire to protect something that was a weakness in my life, my brain. To do this meant a level of submission to my Master that I had to travel a long hard road to reach. By the time the therapist suggested long term anti-depressants, I had arrived at the point that I would have agreed to brain surgery. I was desperate for something that would help me kick my addiction since nothing had worked, not even 1    2 steps.

In the "Big Book" of AA, there is this statement that says that honesty is what is required for the steps to work. Even the mentally ill can gain sobriety if they are able to be honest. I wasn't, and it turned out I was mentally ill to a certain extent. It has been in being willing to manage this slight defect that I have been able to submit to my Master. I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not able to control my body or my brain myself. That seemed like an excuse, but instead it was a point of submission, through which I learned dependence upon my Master.

So I too find myself a man of "unclean lips" living among a people of "unclean lips"; a discovery reached while in the presence of my Master. Today is Sunday, and I go to worship at a new church we have never known, with people we have never met, and in ways we can't predict beforehand. It will not be like the larger church we left in Texas, and that can be good, or bad; or good and bad. But we have the assurance that my Master has led us here. So we worship with the knowledge that the One we worship is Master over all with whom we worship; just as He has demonstrated His mastery over every other detail of our lives here.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 3

Facing the Tyranny of Boxes

One of those nagging fears at the back of my mind is the fear that I am not devoted to my Master, and am only pretending. One of the problems with this fear is the inherent insanity. It opens up this vista of my interior that I admit I have no knowledge of. Having no knowledge of myself in any particular area is one of those things that really bugs me. As you might imagine, I spend a lot of my life bugged. I surprise myself way too often. Chambers claims that no one can be devoted to Jesus unless the Holy Spirit causes it within them. In a sense this is very comforting because of this insane fear. I don't have to know about this area of myself because it is dependent on another anyway.

If you've kept up with that tidbit of weirdness, let me explore another. The response to my lack of self-knowledge is grounded in self-centered rebellion toward my Master. I am called to submit to what He is transforming me into, to do the work He has prepared for me beforehand, and to walk about in that purpose for eternity. There is no room for "fear" of what I don't know about myself. If I am truly submitted to my Master there should be little I am aware of about myself. In fact, the only thing I should really be conscious of is my connection to my Master. Much of what I do, say, and think should, to a very high degree, appear random.

In fact, I am here in Nevada for following such a program of randomness. I received a lot of strange looks from people when I explained what I was doing and why. But with the provision so clear and evident, it was hard to argue against the apparent randomness. It worked, and in this country, pragmatism is "king", summarized in one of our favorite phrases, "whatever works!" So even though what I did in moving out here was difficult to explain, the only sense of it was obedience to my Master, and His consequent provision. This provision confirmed even before we moved that we were doing the right thing. This could only mean that part of what my Master was doing was intended to impact those we left behind.

But we also have a story to bring with us. We have only begun to explain to those here why we're here. I have no idea how this will affect those we come into contact with here. Perhaps that is part of what my Master is leading us into, but I suspect there is much more. The problem I face at the moment is a house of boxes causing me to be unsettled (duh! I just moved halfway across country and I feel unsettled, go figure). What would I expect, yet this too stems from this sense of inherent rebellion toward my Master. The trust has begun to ebb, and I have to again envelope myself in His Spirit. Whenever I try to leave that safe place of my Master's Spirit, the fears of the unknown, including the unknown of my own interior, flood in and threaten to overwhelm me. It's an ugly unfriendly place out there.

So, the application for today is to remain, or abide, or simply exist as a branch connected to the Vine of my Master. I am to retreat into Him rather than survey the unknown vistas of my interior. I am to allow my fears to be swallowed up in the love of my Master, His protection, and to respond to the resulting peace with worship and living before Him. The boxes won't unpack themselves, but I can do a box at a time, or perhaps a room at a time. The timing of my Master is better than my hurry for a comfortable semblance of symmetry and order. My definitions of those terms are so lacking anyway (just look at my work desk some time). The definitions of my Master are much more complex, even to the extent of appearing random. I'll let that be His concern, and work on another room. Perhaps the closet, that's a small room…with way too much in it. Maybe the living room would be better.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 2

Transformation Through Relationship Restoration?

Chambers continues the idea from yesterday, where I am to make friends with my opponent on the way to court. As he put it, my Master intends to sanctify me through restoring human relationships, even if I'm not entirely at fault. I still see this as a very practical application of this passage. Today, he says that the process of sanctification is so important to my Master that He will go to the last penny to restore the broken relationship.

Chambers says that He goes until we submit my right to myself to my Master, but I believe that it's not that simple. I believe that my Master did not just truncate the punishment when I submitted, but my ability to endure it increased. With me, manipulation is too close to the surface. I can appear to submit to get out of trouble without the mental or spiritual required soul-deep decision and determination needed. This has been my pattern with my addiction, and I apply it to other areas as well.

So, the process of sanctification my Master uses with me can be strict, but He knows I need it. It has been working, and I am enjoying life more, even though life has not necessarily improved. In fact, in my work arena, things have actually worsened to some degree. I have been able to maintain a much better attitude through submission to my Master and accepting that I am what He has made me. It has taken the death of some illusions and pretensions about myself.

I am not as strong as I want to be. It was my Master who made me this weak. I am not as smart as I think I ought to be. But my Master limited my ability to learn. I am not as good looking as I want to be. And it was my Master who decided I would look this way. So, all this trying, and pretending has been to disagree with my Master about who I am, and what I should be. I have fought my Master on these points, and my relationships with others have suffered because of it. I would have sacrificed anyone to ensure that I attained my illusions, and I pretended that I had.

In a Christ-centered 12-Step program I was a part of for nearly 5 years, the method used to work through a fourth-step (Made a fearless and moral inventory of myself), was centered on relationships. I looked at my experiences, not as historical events only, but through the lens of the relationships involved. This is a direct application of this passage as Chambers uses it. The process takes time, and it takes several applications of the step to reach the level where my Master can reveal the deep problems I have been ignoring.

So, today, as I turn in the U-Haul, I will be gracious as I have been given grace. I will make friends with my "opponent" (only marginally an opponent, and only in a business sense). I will seek to ensure that my tone and treatment of my daughter is not in proportion to her attitude with me (reacting), but always showing the deep love I have regardless of her attitude. I will respond to my wife's response to her circumstance of a house of boxes, and spending time with her parents before they leave (the stress of being torn between two "oughts").

It is my Master who makes this possible; I am not capable. We are finally here where He has worked so thoroughly to bring us. In this spiritual incubator I will be transformed. I just don't know what I will be. I hope I like it…oh wait, that's the silly criteria that got me in this trouble in the first place. I hope I am good clay for my Master Potter.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 1

Is There Such a Thing as “Righteous” Complaining?

Now Chambers uses another verse from the Sermon on the Mount from Matthew 5. This time he's applying the principle to make friends with your adversary on the way to court. His application cut right through my normal dismissal of this principle. I don't have legal adversaries, so I can ignore this one. Not so.

Chambers applies this as a law of Jesus applicable in relationships. When I want to prove I am right more than I want that restored relationship, then this rule applies. That happens to me way too often. The result is that I will pay in full measure for this attitude. And how many relationships have I let be ruined because I had to be right?

Today I have an opportunity to apply this rule. The U-Haul will be unloaded today. We will probably turn it in later today or tomorrow. When we do, I have a bone to pick with U-Haul in general, not the very nice people working the office here. The truck broke twice and we were delayed twice. Each delay put us behind where we really wanted to be. So, do I fight for recompense or gently work their system for some reconciliation?

We are living in this area. So making enemies is foolish, and expensive. Any delay was eventually made up, and we arrived on time, actually a bit early. So, yes, we were delayed, spent some time on the side of the road. But we also met some great people. The eventual solution worked out as only my Master can work things. Pete came to us on the side of the road, and he had sent another guy towing a car to Albuquerque. When he found it was the fuel pump, he asked the guy already in Albuquerque to check on picking one up. The guy found the one in Albuquerque, and therefore anywhere within hundreds of miles. While the guy was on the hour-long trip back from Albuquerque, Pete pulled the old busted fuel pump, shortening the time from two hours down to one. They thought we were "lucky", but I know better.

So how much of a problem were the delays? In reality, not much. We didn't stay in the places we expected, but we made it here on time. The journey legs were different, some shorter, some longer than we planned, but my Master got us here right on time. He proved Himself to be Master of Timing.

So, I have one more detail to resolve before I can work remotely. The "black box" that makes it all connect is delayed by over a week. So, my Master of Timing is also Master of this problem. It really is not something I need to resolve. I need to resolve to submit to my Master's timing. I think I have the easy part, and He has the "heavy lifting." So, what else is new?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 30

A Funny Time to Fear

Somewhat toward the end of the entry for today, Chambers makes this statement, "…it is better to enter into life maimed and lovely in God's sight than to be lovely in man's sight and lame in God's." That is his summary of Matthew 5:30. I agree. The way he unpacks this is to point out that the "hand" might be different for anyone, but present for every "saint". So, all saints have something of theirs that hinders or distracts from their relationship with their Master. It may be something different for each believer, but there is always something.

I guess the trick for me is to find that thing or things of mine, to which I am ordinarily entitled, but which hinder my relationship with my Master. The one I am struggling with today kept me awake last night. It goes like this: After all my Master has done in confirming this move; having taken care of all the details so far; I now doubt and worry about some details which did not occur to me before I left. Now I'm tired because I only got about 5 hours sleep. I have a sinus headache. And I'm scared. I feel it and I'm really not used to it. I haven't felt fear most of the way through this, but now I sense it. It's that thing in the picture that does not belong.

I know that my Master has me in sight. He loves me. He has my back. And I am at His service. I am not my own even though I deserve to be abandoned. I was bought with a price I could not begin put up myself. Why would my Master do that? He does that because He views His human creatures as worth His own unimaginable suffering. He chose to see me and my fellow human creatures this way, this view was not earned. He is in love with His creation. But this love transcends the self-inflicted failures and frailties of these creatures. He sees me among the throng and among the throng, speaks to me; leads me out of Texas and into Nevada, prepares jobs already, and prepares a house already. Out of the throng He saw me, again, not because I earned it.

So why would I fear? Perhaps it's because it's my birthday (just kidding, I just wanted to slip that in there). Perhaps now that we are on the last leg of the journey, the unknown is looming more and looking more ominous. But still, it makes no sense, not in the context of what has already happened. I believe this is one of many "hands" that need to be cut off so my relationship to my Master does not suffer. Hmm…I'm thinking an axe. Anyone have an axe I can borrow?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 29 (my birthday)

Driving Tired?

I am tired. I yawn, I blink, my eyes burn, all the normal signs that I am tired. And yet I have a large truck to drive, trailer to pull, and ground to cover. Two days of truck failures have set us behind, yet after a long push yesterday, we are nearly caught up. I drink my coffee, and I set my heart to what lies ahead. I don't dread it. But I am not looking forward to it either.

So why go this early, why push this hard? I am curious. It has been two hard days of being pushed against, when all these past months we have been pushed forward. It's as if we are being delayed. There is something there where we go; something prepared for us by my Master. I want to see it. I am anxious though. Unfortunately it's not enough to wake me up. A shower and breakfast will help, along with lots of coffee.

All this is only part of the pursuit of that for which my Master has pursued me. I want to be diligent, but not foolish. Do I push too hard? Perhaps more rest will better keep the truck between the lines than using the mirrors. It is a dilemma. I want what lies ahead, but I feel like I need to wait. I'm tired of waiting too.

I will decide with my wife what is best. Perhaps the shower and food and caffeine will suffice. But what does the Spirit of my Master want? What is He directing?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 28

The Adventure of Bad Circumstances

Yesterday, our U-Haul truck broke down. It just would not get down the road any longer and died 2 miles outside the next village. As remote as it was, it took the service guy over an hour to get to me. The day was about 125 degrees, the wind was fierce, and what with the truck acting up and all, I wasn't running the AC. The wind through the driver-side window was like driving through a major blow dryer on high, and I was barely able to get over 45. We had a goal of getting another 150 miles down the road that day, but it wasn't happening.

So, this morning, Chambers' entry is about not seeking to save myself, but relying on my Master. He also points out that saving my life does not mean saving my things. It does not mean saving me from difficulty or problems. I get this reminder the day after that it may not go all that easily in my life. Chambers says that I should respond to this by not trying to do the sound sensible thing, but the obedient thing; to continue on in obedience even in the face of difficulty.

Ok, so how did I respond yesterday? Well as it turns out, my wife and I found the difficulty really amusing. It is unmistakable that my Master is leading, perhaps herding, us to our destination. If it were clearer He would have used neon (considering we are moving to Nevada that may have been appropriate). The obedient thing is to continue the move. But since it is so unmistakable that my Master wants us in Nevada, it also became clear my enemy does not want us anywhere near our destination, does not want us to worship as we go, and certainly does not want us to testify to the power and glory of my Master.

One lady here where we stopped said that it's never this hot. The problem with the truck may have been just a dirty fuel filter (let's get more than 2 miles down the road before we claim that one). The guy who came to my rescue last night was really great, and that he had to come so far meant he didn't have to be that nice. Oh, and I had both windows down in the cab, so I rolled up the driver-side window, and was shocked at how much the wind cooled getting from the passenger side over to me.

Yes it was a hard day yesterday, but it was just another day. The Master who has demonstrated Himself to be Master over all the other details in this move is also Master of Time. He may want us in Nevada, but He also wants us there at a particular time. We may have been in too much of a hurry. Silly us. So we take it as His pace.

It's now nearly 6 am, and it's as cool as it's going to get today. We are getting ready to head out once more, and I am looking forward to the adventure my Master has ahead of us. Hang on, let me grab my whip and fedora! Oh and ice, don't let me forget ice.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 27