Be Good for "Goodness" Sake?

Today's devotional from My Utmost For His Highest is really an extension of yesterdays.  But it is a good extension.  It reminded me of something I used to say in my younger, perhaps more holy, days.  I used to tell the youth I worked with after I was in the Army that, "whatever you see in me that you don't like or is bad is the real me. Whatever you see that is good, right, and admirable is God in me, and not really me."  I said this because at that point of my life, I knew that I had this sin in my life, and that I did not let anyone into its existence.  But I also said that because I was very aware that my Master was at work in me, and was doing some pretty amazing things in and through me.  Those things helped me maintain this sense that I may not be perfect, but I was usable to my Master.  That was sometimes a sense of pride, sometimes a point of encouragement.

But somewhere along the way, I either heard or read that we should be proud of the good within, that the work of Jesus and His Spirit are the real us, and that we should take credit for those things, own them and respond with gratitude when others point them out.  Now I admit that I probably missed a very important point of whoever wrote/said that.  It is very possible that the person meant that we should be aware and proud of what God has done, not proud of ourselves.  But what I heard was somewhat askew from that.  Well, I bought into that perception way too deeply, and was brought into stark realization that I could not maintain any sense of being good enough or acceptable enough to my Master.  But I also took on the expectation I assumed others had of me that I be that good or acceptable to my Master.  I doubt they had that much expectation of me and were probably more aware of my foibles and weaknesses than I thought they were. 

In John 3:29, John the Baptist says that the one having the bride is the bridegroom (duh), and that the friend of the bridegroom, rather than jealous or competitive for the bride, rejoices at the joy of hearing the bridegroom while waiting for him.  This is how John saw himself in relation to Jesus.  He saw that his mission and work, and even popularity, was that of the friend of the bridegroom, rather than the bridegroom.  So, his joy was filled to overflowing that Jesus was getting more attention than him.  This must be my attitude as well.

When I was in ministry, one thing that seemed to work well for me was working with fringe members or people in the community or church life.  They were the people new to church, or new Christians, or for whom all the stuff of church had not sunk in or clouded their minds and hearts.  With these, I seemed able to work and make headway.  Church-people really didn't like me much, I seemed to make them uncomfortable.  I did that on purpose, but it also alienated me from them.  If you have read previous entries you might pick up on statements where I said I was afraid of them.  I was.  I was afraid that church people would see through me easier, and somehow find out I was not as "sinless" as I expected that they expected me to be.  I inferred from their implication that I was supposed to be perfect.  The problem is that I doubt they ever really implied that, I just inferred it.  Sure they wanted me to be without slavery to some secret sin, and would not have been overjoyed to know that I was, but they were astute enough to know that everyone sins.

Back to the success with fringe people, though.  There was something fresh about working with them that I was drawn to, and successful with.  They allowed me to be who I was without expecting me to be in the mold of "preachers".  They didn't know what that would be like.  I think they found me refreshing because I was not what they imagined preachers to be like.  And I had this identity with their distrust of the hypocrisy in church that they liked as well.  In some ways I was enabling of wrong perceptions, but in others ways I helped bridge the gap between lone devotion and corporate worship.  In either case, I still used that phrase claiming all my good was Jesus, all my bad was really me.  It was somewhere in the space after that ministry, in the midst of the clouds of depression, in the haze of self pity that I heard (or thought I heard) that I was good.

Honestly, anyone who has wrestled with Calvinism and TULIP theology has wrestled with this issue.  And Calvinism is not ambiguous in its view that humans are totally depraved.  So this was something I had traveled out of and back into several times, even during my ministry.  How depraved is total?  Is "depraved" even the right word here?  Total is total, and yes, it is the right word.  I am the friend of the bridegroom who is in the background of the pictures when I appear at all.  The good in me is truly Jesus and what His Spirit has done in my life.  The bad stuff is made up of remnants of my rebellion against Him.  My joy is found and experienced when who I am and what I do point people to my Master.  He is the One who makes anything good in me evident.  He does that because He wants to my weaknesses and frailties to point to His amazing power and grace.  He wants to display His power to use and do wonderful things with such fractured people.  He wants to encourage the world with the evidence of His grace which calls anyone in any circumstances to come to Him.  I am proof He chooses to use anyone.

So, I hope you read and are encouraged.  I hope you consider these things, and think of my Master's desire for you.  But I did not write this for you to gain this insight, but rather to confess that I am gaining it; that I don't already posses it, but I am gaining it.  It is the evidence of the grace and power of my Master which pulls me up from the ground toward the light of His Son.  He is the Master Farmer, I am the stalk of...whatever He planted.

Death by Co-Dependency

I have never thought of myself as a "soul-winner" as such.  I do not have a list of those I have led in prayer to faith in Jesus.  I know of some for whom their prop of atheism was dealt a healthy kick in a discussion we had, but I was not the one who led them to faith in Jesus, if it happened later at all.  People have drifted in and out of my life at times and I have not been a socially minded person who kept up with them.  But the question posed by Chambers this morning relates to being a hindrance to the work of the Spirit rather than a help.

The various ways that my Master gets the attention of people can be confusing, and sometimes frightening.  If that person is one He has set His sights on, and they fight the irresistible pull and call, their lives can become absolutely miserable.  The paths of destruction will continue until they submit to His sovereignty in their lives.  Often their conversions are dramatic and they have amazing testimonies, write books, go on speaking tours, and so on, calling on others to submit to God rather than suffer as they did.  But what would have happened if a well-meaning believer tried to intervene when disaster struck, to soften the blow, to be the one that they turned to instead of pointing to the Master?  Crazy says you?  Co-dependent says I, and brazenly common because of that.

I am in sales for a living.  I am somewhat successful at it for one reason only, I am a problem-solver at heart.  I like a challenge, and will use very creative means to connect the dots to solve problems I encounter.  One very bad side-effect of this is that broken systems don't get fixed because I keep the wheels from squeaking loudly.  The creative "Southern Engineering" I use to make it work only enables a system that needs attention from being attended to.  An effect I keep trying to create, but with only limited success, is dependence in my customers.  I want them coming to me for everything but milk and groceries.  I want them to think of me as one of their best assets to grow their businesses and adapt to changes in industry.  Well, that does not happen as often as I would like because I also help my sales team, so really, any one of us can now help them figure stuff out and get what they need.  Now it is more likely I hear from them when the "wheels" which were at first squeaky, have now come completely off.  I don't get sales credit for that.  I wanted to hear from them before someone else messed up their business systems so I could get sales credit for something that worked.

So what's the connection?  I am not unique in this approach to sales (rare, but not unique).  And it stems from a somewhat co-dependent approach to sales.  I want to rescue my company and keep the revenue coming so I "protect" a busted system by teaching the customer the work-around so the customer can go on their merry way, problem solved.  I also create an environment where my co-workers do not need to learn solutions to problems, I solve the problems for them, or direct them to the right area/person.  No need on their part to figure it out.  This is, again, a co-dependent work philosophy, and not a healthy one.  Where this connects to creating barriers for people to engage faith in my Master is when I try to smooth out the effects of their Resistance to Him.

I, like many, really am uncomfortable around the suffering of others.  There is this nagging sense of guilt or shame that I'm not the one suffering.  I'm not sure why I feel that way, or where the feelings come from, but I doubt it's very legitimate.  To ease that discomfort, I act to ease the suffering.  There are entire vocations and industries built on this very desire.  Sometimes they go off track and are more interested in the money possessed by the suffering than the suffer, but not always.  And I believe these industries are a benefit to our society (usually).  But when I, a servant to the Master of the universe, witness His work in the life of another which involves suffering, the solution is not an emotional band aid, aspirin, and antibiotic ointment.  The solution is to point them to the One managing their circumstances.  Sure, caring for the sick, the poor, the widows and orphans is good and necessary.  I'm for it, personally.  But I am also aware of my co-dependent streak which would also lead me to assuage my own emotional pain in the face of the suffering of others by pointing to myself as the solution rather than my Master.  Therapists refer to it as the difference between sympathy and empathy, terms I really do not understand very well.  The difference between them has to do with how much of the emotional baggage belonging to the client is taken on by the therapist.  Some identity with it is necessary and good.  Too much is frowned upon and typically bad for the client and the therapist.  Where's the line drawn?  That depends on the therapist and the client, but is usually fairly obvious to anyone outside of the relationship.

So, help = good; but enabling = bad.  Dependency on Jesus = good; but dependency on me = disaster, eventually.  I don't get to be God, and really, I don't want His job.  I am not very good at forming stars from vast clouds of hydrogen, so I would probably avoid that part of the job, and the universe would quickly fall apart.  Gravity baffles me, so again, I would not be able to hold everything together.  So, why then would I want to be God in the smaller, more pedestrian situations?  Because they are close enough that I fool myself into believing that I can control those.  I can't.  Today, I will let my team down, I will not protect my company's mistakes, and I will quietly point to the true Master of both.  Where will I be working tomorrow?  "Would you like fries with that?"