Under The Jeweler's Chisel

The correction and convicction of my Master (Hebrews 12:5) is where Chambers says I can quench the Spirit of my Master, and he says it is easy to do. I take from this that it is also not necessarily a permanent condition. I thought from yesterday it could eventually become so.

If I resist, or rather when I resist my Master's correction I am reacting in the baser of my qualities, and they are all mine. I am driven by fear, pride, selfishness, resentment, or even idolatry. To reject anything my Master suggests is to place something above His soverignty in my life. That is idolatry.

Yesterday I believe I was shown something of my relationship with my Master, and I took it, embraced it, and tried to make my day different because of it. That should always be my response to His correction or conviction, but it's not. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I reject it or talk myself out of it.

But sometimes I embrace it. I believe I'm improving in this area, I'm not sure. I'm still in Oregon with the inlaws, and I have a long drive back with a very early start, and lots to do before we leave. This is a great opportinity to live out my new perspective of my relationship with my Master. It's also a great opportunity to fail in that.

Let's hope and pray I am able to live out of my Master's emotional attachment to me, so that I won't quench the Spirit He has given me as a deposit of heaven. That would be a good day regardless of difficulty along the way. I guess school is now in session; afterall, I am awake.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 14th.

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Where the Spirit of my Master is...

Wrapping up Paul's first letter to the church at Thessalonica, he gives a list of 'admonitions', one of which is, 'Don't quench the Spirit.' How do I keep from doing what I have often assumed was impossible? For the One 'hovering over the waters' of creation, quenching just seems so...impossible.

And yet there is no mistaking this admonition, nor that this One can be grieved. Given as a deposit againt the final redemption in heaven, He can be both grieved and quenched by me.

It seems so incongruent to picture the Spirit of the Master Crafstman of the universe as a sad spectator of my life with no influence. In fact I can't imagine it. It makes no sense to me at all. It's like rain falling up into the sky. It is contrary to its nature, as is a mere Spectating Spirit.

I have wandered under the assumption that my life had little effect on the joy and peace of God. To a degree I'm right. But part of the mysterious grace in what my Master has done comes in the willful intentional choice to tie Himself to me emotionally, to become emotionally involved with me. He's God, how can this be?

And yet it is. I can cause my Master emotional pain. Me, among the billions alive now and billions more no longer alive, He is emotionally involved with me.

He was emotionally involved with Israel; and I assume He still is. The Hebrew Scriptures are very clear on that point. Jesus was emotionally involved with His disciples. The Gospels are very clear on that point. But this is both more general and more specific. It is specificly personal to me, and generally true for every other believer as well. It is too huge for me to wrap my mind around. It is too much grace for me to grasp. Why would He do that for me.

I realize from this perspective that I have lived as if I didn't matter that much to my Master, that my life has little effect on Him and His work. I see that He chooses to relate to me otherwise. He makes me important and matter to Him and His work. My assumption has been a massive error.

Sure I always knew He knew, but I am stumbling upon the realization that He also cares. That puts a level of responsibility on me I would much rather avoid. But I cannot escape it. He loves me, and I am learning that this fact means more than I originally thought. He really loves me, choosing the irrational position of becoming emotionally involved with a foolish servant.

So today I will strive to be more aware of the effect I have on my Master, and seek to neither quench His voice, nor grieve His heart. A big task that I am not equal to. I will need to love Him back more than I do now, that is for sure. Well, here I go. Wish me luck.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 13th.

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Things I Used Do Better, Like Faith.

Of all the things I've lost or forgotten over the years, the absolute confidence in my Master is probably the I miss the most. Although, I probably had it for the wrong reasons, and needed to have it crushed.

I lived under the impression that whatever I did was His will and He would back me up. But I also had confidence that I could do anything. It was an odd juxtaposition of opposite beliefs. Who did I really trust? Was I trusting my Master or my own ability with my Master as backup if I were wrong?

I prayed daily, read my Bible daily, and then lived my life as if that were all there was to it. I did the church & good Christian thing. I went to school and stayed out of trouble mostly. I hung out with friends and stayed out of trouble mostly. But were my decisions on what to do and who to do them with based on what my Master wanted or whatever I wanted?

Perhaps I have glamorized my past. But now I live with my faith more closely tied to my Master in the moment. It's just that I don't feel as confident. It's that confidence I miss. What I need is the confidence Jesus chided the disciples for not having in Matthew 8:26, and what Chambers says is characterized by rest.

The confidence in my Master that is demonstrated in true peace regardless of circumstances. I am headed there, especially shown in our transition out to Nevada. But now our circumstances are different and I need to demonstrate that faith now as well.

Surprise, surprise, I have more growing to do. Well, I'm sitting on a balcony overlooking the Oregon Coast with the waves rolling over dark rocks, fog close off shore, and I need a jacket. Rest here is easy. Monday will pick up where I left off Wednesday, and I need the same sense of peace and rest in my Master then.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 12th.

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Walking on My Own With My Master

Only at a few times in my life have I had a spiritual leader. And each time they were available only for a season. I lament this, citing it as one of the most difficult aspects of my spiritual life.

Perhaps in some way this is part of my difficulty with "personality" ministries; the source of my prejudice. I don't trust leaders easily. This also makes it hard to find spiritual leader. They're there, my prejudice just makes finding them harder for me.

So with spiritual leadership, I need to learn another level of submission. Submission to spiritual leaders is submission to my Master, the One who placed them in the position. To not submit to them is to rebel against the choice of my Master.

The other obvious aspect for me is jealousy. I want my Master to choose me to lead. He won't, not yet anyway. I want it, and therefore for wrong reasons. One day I will accept it as part of my desire for my Master. Until then I will serve in lesser capacities.

I have considered the possibility that I already walk alone with my Master, and that is how He wants it. The problem with this is that as I learn more of submission to my Master, I see that it includes submission to spiritual leaders; to learn instead of teaching. Teaching is still too much me, and not enough of my Master. I have a bit more to learn first.

I am learning. Even as I write this I see this entry as my essay answer on my Masters exam. I am slowly getting His point. As I do, He speaks through others, I gain a fuller insight to His Scripture, and I see that I don't walk this life alone, but with friends and guides.

So today I will see what my Master has for me through someone I meet, and I will submit to the pastor He places me under. I will submit and not see myself as his equal. Pardon me as I change my paradigm. I'll be back in a bit.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 11th.

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In The Barracks of Spiritual Life Training for the Trenches

This entry is right in my concern, or at least it ends that way. I am not suffering for doing what it right, but I am wondering why my Master has my family out here in rural Nevada. Last night I had to scale back my desire to do what I like to do, lead. There is a need for someone to do a "Step Study" for the 12-step group I meet with. I'm new and they know I have experience, but I am ineligible. I need a solid year of sobriety, and I need it for two reasons. Sure the program recommends it, but I have discovered that, with me, it is necessary. The last couple of times I have led step studies, I have relapsed during the study.

Ironically, these studies aren't that difficult to lead. There's no preparation beyond what the participants do. It's just a matter of facilitating; keeping it moving, on task, and according to the guidelines. It's not a bigger drain emotionally or spiritually than just participating. I think that the position puts me out in front of the participants as an example, and therefore a target for the enemy. But I really can only blame myself for the relapses. It's my self-reliance that does me in. I can't walk a recovered life without my Master. Submission is so crucial for me that to step out of it for a day is to endanger myself critically.

Since the night before (see the previous entry), I know that my addiction is close to the surface. I have not yet carved out a familiar path of sobriety and am constantly in danger of falling into old more familiar patterns of thought and behavior. The danger decreases as time goes on, but seven months for me is not enough. I told the group after December I would consider leading a group. I have to wait. I'm not strong enough; my pattern of leading in 12-step groups demonstrates that. I need to be patient and let my Master continue to work in me. My attitude is not yet where it needs to be to lead a group, not yet.

But back to Chambers, I agree with his assertion that to suffer as a goal is foolish. Suffering comes on its own as I follow my Master. My goal is obedience to my Master not the clear obvious suffering that brings the attention of others. And when I do suffer, pity is not what I need, but encouragement to stay the course my Master has for me. Right now, I'm not there, but I hope to be. Perhaps in six more months I will be. I know there is nothing particularly magic about a year of sobriety, but one time through the "seasons" of life will help. I need several things to endure suffering while following my Master, not just time.

One of the things I need to continue in submissive obedience is courage. It takes courage to face the drudgery of the daily routine, along with perseverance. I also need an attitude of dependent submission. I hate that one, but I desperately need it. In 12-step groups we say that we are powerless. And yet we also posit responsibility to ourselves for our behavior. The way it can be both/and is that we are dependent, as every believer is regardless of their opinion. Dependence upon my Master is what enables me to make a good decision. I need to submit and depend on my Master daily, every moment. For me, independence means death.

With at least time, courage, and dependent submission I can soldier on, even in the boring times of routine goodness. Soldiers never appreciate the barracks until they're in the field being shot at. While in the barracks, boredom drives them to endear the field, and then in the field, reality bites. It's a cycle that is nearly inescapable, even being aware of it. Barracks are necessary in order to face the fields of danger. There has to be a safe place to return to for rejuvenation; safer anyway.

So I will continue my barracks duty while I train in submission, obedience, dependence, and encouragement. Soon, my Master will send me into the field. But I will obediently remain until that time. That is part of obedience, waiting until instructed. It's how I got here, it needs to be how I behave here. I've had my coffee, so it's time to get at it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 10

My Rebellion Trumped By His Grace

One of the interesting details in the account of the resurrection of Lazarus in John 11 is how Jesus is clear that this event is really about Him, not Lazarus, not his sisters, and not even the disciples (vs. 14, 15, 41, 42). The events unfold to bring belief, not relief. And Chambers points out that Jesus begins His prayer with thanks to the Father that He hears Jesus. Again, a phrase for the audience to ensure they know what this event is really about. Jesus reveals more of His divine nature here, His total power over death.

Chambers goes on to say that when the Son is born in me, I will then have reached "that day" Jesus speaks of later in John when I will ask in His name and the Father will give it. I have to agree that the unity of my Trinitarian Master is something that I am supposed to participate in (or with), but I don't really understand how. I know it also involves other believers, but again, I don't know how. I think it would be too trite to say that it happens in modern worship. I must have missed that particular event, a lot. Perhaps it happens in service as a church to a hurting community. Maybe it is part of what happens when all the roles of a church function together. That would be more difficult to see or sense (at least for me, I don't participate in all of them).

When the Spirit of my Master resides in me and I am a Temple of the Holy Spirit, Chambers says I become "the Bethlehem of the Son of God." I'm not so sure I can really follow that analogy, because Chambers seems to posit that event later on in the believers' life. I believe that it happened when I accepted my Master's mastery over me, as opposed to later. Now I know I had no idea what that meant for many years later, but I don't believe my Master was waiting around to provide me the gift of His Spirit until I really understood. Instead I believe that it was because His Spirit took up residence that I finally understood His mastery; it was revealed by His Spirit in me (I'm not that smart, so it had to be Him).

But I still sense the tremendous degree that I need to submit to my Master. Even last night I let thoughts from my addiction dance about in my head. Ironically it was a lot of work to let them. I had trouble staying focused. And I finally shook myself, and confessed to my Master what I was doing, not only the thoughts, but what those thoughts meant for my submission to Him. I was in wanton rebellion. I can't rest on the fact that such evil thinking is harder now, nor that all I did was in my mind. That does not mean that what I did was acceptable. I have a battle to fight as a knight of my Master's realm. The battle is against those mental and spiritual strongholds that set themselves up against the truth of my Master's mastery in my life.

So, even as I write about submission, I pursue rebellion. It doesn't need to last long before I recognize what I did for what it is; that I did it at all indicates the presence of my evil nature close by me. As my Master told Cain, "sin is crouching at the door, its desire is for you, but you must master it." Is it any different for me? How close is my sin, my rebellion, my willful self-centered, self-indulgent mind? My disobedient "id" seeks to escape the clutches of my "super ego" and run freely. Unfortunately, my super ego likes to keep peeking at the id and let it smell freedom, and play at keeping it under wraps. Oh stupid "Freudian" man that I am, who will save me from the body of sin and death?

Well, I know Who, and I am thankful. Whatever I struggle with, my Master stays with me. And I live in grace not fear. I should live in fear, terrified of disobeying the Master of all matter. Instead I receive grace, acceptance, and love; consequences, but love throughout. I need that. I need the confession to my Master, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service." I need to follow my Master's direction to wait, worship, and walk before Him. Even as I dive headlong into the valley of shadow, He is with me with His rod and staff to protect me and guide me. Why He doesn't stand on the rim of the valley and shake His head, cluck His tongue, walk away I don't really understand. But He fearlessly accompanies me through the valley; even when it's not His valley. Weird.

So, this day I will seek, once again, to offer my moments to my Master's service. I will see how successful I am in submission. All I need to do is submit. It sounds easy, except that it means dying. Oh well, nobody lives forever…in this body anyway.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 9

Wrestling with a Child-like Paradigm

In Luke 1:35, the explanation given to Mary of "How can these things be?" is used by Chambers to explain that an incarnation in me requires submission of my "common sense self". The Eternal Innocent Child must always be in contact with His Father, always about His Father's business. Since this Child resides within me, it is my attachment to common sense that hinders the Son from reaching His Father. I find some serious limitations to this analogy.

One problem is that Jesus was innocent without ignorance. Children are not. Once a child learns something, they lose the innocence. In fact, early on, children will use means which are nothing like innocence to gain what they want. It's not evil in the sense of intentionally hurting others; it's evil in the sense of no regard for others. It is an inherent evil residing in everyone, regardless of culture. Psychologists call it "survival instinct" in order to make it seem more palatable. I can't be upset with a child for trying to do what he needs to do to survive, right?

The Son of God does not have such a "survival instinct." In fact Chambers points out that the interior life of the saint is to be making up what is lacking in the suffering of Jesus. That would mean that this Eternal Innocent Child within is following the same pattern of self-sacrifice, not self-preservation. Following this Child is not like following a child at all. I think what Chambers is seeking for is a way to describe the unsullied connection to the Father, untainted by the pragmatic systems of this world, its societies, and acceptable paradigms. I completely agree with that, but still wrestle to live it out.

I am still working under my own pragmatic paradigms, fear of being unaccepted by others, striving after the standards of others, and seeking my own comfort. I have just yesterday given up playing computer games for a while. I want to see if this affects my depression. I have not been to the doctor nor made an appointment, but I stopped complaining about it. I have gotten better, but not enough. I am leaving these off because I want to know whether they are affecting the depression or being driven by it. Since they may be another form of an addiction, the answer is probably both and, not either or.

This "fasting" from computer games is another way I am trying to remove something that could be hindering the Spirit of my Master from having His way in my life. There are weeds in the back yard that need attention (i.e. destruction), I have a trailer that needs to be emptied which requires a trip to the thrift store, I have a lawn that seems to need constant mowing (not really, it just seems that way), and to mow, I need to lower the mower which on this cheaper model means I need to remove the wheels and put them in the higher set of holes. These are things I don't do but instead, I play games. I tell myself I'm tired or have worked all day, or whatever I need to in order to protect my game time. The games need to go for a while.

So, without my childish games, can I still let the Eternal Child have His connection with the Father? The Eternal Son of God, my Master, His Spirit, and our Father, all of the Master of the universe, has decided that I am someone He wants to hang out with. But hanging out with me requires that I allow it. He doesn't crash the party of my life (well, actually, He does, but not like most party crashers), but calls to me to open the door of the core of my being. He can make me do it if He wanted, but He restrains Himself. Once I do open myself to Him, He takes up residence, and the house-cleaning begins. As I submit to His work of cleaning in my life, I become less entrenched in the paradigms of this world into which I was born, and more enmeshed in the paradigm of His perspective. The scene remains the same, but the colors and details change. That is what I am hoping for. That will be when I suffer in the clash of competing paradigms, and I will. Everyone else in the same circumstance has, why wouldn't I? Well, here I go.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 8