Is Regression to Childhood Spiritual Growth?

I had to re-read this entry in MUFHH a couple of times to get at Chambers' point. This is one of the more "philosophical" of his entries in that it looks at things a bit further behind the surface things I do. The reply of Jesus to His parents when they find Him in the Temple is really interesting. But I have never thought to apply it as Chambers has. In Luke 2:49 Jesus replies to Mary (Joseph is again silent), "What that you look for Me? You didn't know that in these of My Father it is necessary for me to be?" The word "house" is missing. The definite article saves a "place" for something that is normally translated "house." The article is plural, not singular as I would expect. So I left it as is rather than inserting "House" like everyone else. Why start following the religious crowd now after all the years in passive aggressive rebellion?

Without "house" I find a wider interpretation available to me. Oddly it supports the application of Chambers really well. He makes an interesting statement, "Our Lord's childhood was not immature man-hood; our Lord's childhood is an eternal fact." I had not gone there. The "faith of a child" I am supposed to have is the faith demonstrated by my Master in the walk of His life? This is one of those things where I wonder that it never occurred to me before. Why wouldn't it be? My walk each day is to be the child-like confidence and connection that my Master enjoyed in His earthly life with the Father.

My daughter is an only child. She desperately wants the attention of my wife and me. I work at home now, and it can be awkward timing to give her that attention. But that is exactly how I am to be with my Master. I should be annoying Him with conversation all day long. My daughter restrains herself, but she wants more contact than I can give her. She wants my attention, to do things so I notice, to make things that I am impressed with. She wants me involved in all the things she does. She wants to be a part of nearly everything we do. Why am I not this way with my Master? What is wrong with me that I haven't seen this? Am I so deluded into self-sufficient imaginings that I believe I don't really need to be that connected to Him?

I suspect that the life of a child is wrapped up and completely dependent upon their parents. And I mean "life" in the sense of "get a life!" not in the sense of being fed and cared for. Their sense of self and value is tied directly to their parents. They just see this as the way it is and only later try to escape it (adolescence). Why am I not this way with my Master? Why do I not see my "life" as totally dependent upon Him? This is especially hard for me in light of how much my Master has done to provide for this life I enjoy here. I have to be really thick not to see and get this. I feel really stupid right now. And yet, even as I write this, I feel this sense of discomfort in being "childish" with my Master.

There is a certain sense in which I entered adulthood to avoid the fears of childhood. Everything was unknown and scary as a child. The world was a big frightening place. It still is, but as an adult I have learned to prop up a façade to hide behind for safety. It isn't real, nor is it very sturdy, and it is partially propped up by an assumption that people will essentially obey certain basic societal rules. Not everyone does, and I have this underlying fear of "what if" I run into one. It's really a poor way to live when I pull it out and look at it.

Children don't worry about such things, at least not until their world is invaded by such people. Usually children just rely on their parents to take care of stuff and make their world work. And that usually works. So, when I have the Maker and Sustainer of the Universe and sub-atomic particles as a parent, why don't I do that? Why can't I just rely on my Father to take care of stuff and make my world work? There is one problem with this view. Children don't like pain, and pain makes up a lot of what believers experience in life. That's a whole different entry, but the solution is that pain does not distract children from their parents, it usually increases their focus.

The basic application for me is to annoy my Master with questions, discoveries, bad artwork, and scraped knees. I need to always be asking what He's up to, and "can I help?" Entering an apprenticeship is sort of what it's like, except that I will always be the child working the plastic kid's tools instead of the real work of my Master. That's ok, I don't mind being forever young. I'm part of the way there anyway; I play a lot of games, wear shorts and hats, and like the icing more than the cake. Now if I can just ratchet up my annoying level with my Master, I might be headed in the right direction. By the way, how can I re-frame my work as "play"? That's a tough one. I know! Chores! Oh boy, chores.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 7

The Little I Know Reflected in the Little I Pray

Prayer is often one of the least understood activities of believers. I don't do it enough. When I consider that in prayer I commune with the Maker and Sustainer of the vast universe, the "Attraction" of subatomic particles, the One forming suns, galaxies, and destroying them; prayer takes on different meaning. I step out of this mundane world, tasks, job, relationships, and fears; and step into a vista without boundaries to speak to One without limits. Worship can be like this, but not without prayer regularly in my life.

I don't pray enough. When I have trouble focusing at work, when my passive aggressive tendency raises up, when I have too much to do, too little time, and I sense that frustration I know so well; the answer is prayer, not to "think" something different. It's not in me to "fix" any of these things. Only my Master has solutions to problems I don't understand, situations I only see portions of, and attitudes I deny about myself. He takes away the need to solve the problem, the confusion of the situation melts away into the assurance He does understand, and He holds up that mirror of His Spirit so I can see what I am doing that is causing my problem. I desperately need Him, not the other way around.

I don't go to pray with the assumption I'm filling Him in on circumstances, or enlightening Him about my problems, or even that I might somehow provide Him a necessary service. Prayer is an invitation from my Master to me to be brought into the work He is already doing. Prayer strips away the protective façade I "hermit crab" within. Prayer is what makes me more available to Him. The less prayer I participate in, the less available I am to Him. I need it more. I need to pray, intentionally, consciously, perhaps audibly, and definitely regularly. I need to pray during my time of work, my times of alone, my times of frustration, and my times of peace and joy.

Praying without ceasing is a concept I suspect is only available to those who also pray deliberately and regularly through a day. Then the in between times are prayer as well because of the residual presence of my Master. I'm not there yet. I want to be. I want to know that when I pray, the Father hears because He loves me and knows I love Jesus. It, somehow, bypasses the need for intercession from Jesus (John 16:26-27). I suppose because the agency of His Trinitarian nature blurs any distinction, and I know I have one Master. These are things I may understand later, but now I am content to know that intimacy with my Master will only grow as I spend time with Him in prayer.

I have a lot to learn and a most incomprehensible Teacher from Whom to learn. This morning I will cut this short and spend some time doing what I will eventually be doing for eternity; praying.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 6

But I Don’t Wanna Do That Stupid Thing! I Don’t! I Don’t! I Don’t!

From what Chambers writes in this entry, I should not wonder about why my Master has brought my family out here to Nevada. Well I do. Not to meddle in it, but because I know without doubt that my Master has brought us out here. The rest of the entry is very helpful though. In fact yesterday I was talking with my wife about what was bothering me. I tried the "nothing" response, but I knew that wasn't right. So I began to talk about work. And a lot came out.

I am blessed to work from home. I clearly see that my Master has made that possible, so that I could move with a job. But there is an aspect of my job I don't like. When I call customers there is a requirement that I call so many per hour. The number works out to an average of one call every 3.75 minutes (3 minutes and 45 seconds). Each call requires the use of our new Customer Relationship Manager (I really like this one). The process goes from examining the account for other activities so I don't conflict with what other sales people are doing, examining their purchase history for needs analysis, and searching for the contact listed on my call sheet. Once a contact is found (and that is not a given due to the labyrinthine nature of our account/contact relationships – that's a long story which would make any database analyst weep), a call is logged which requires a form be filled in with information on the source, reason, and results of the call. And of course, the call needs to be made in there, and that includes dialing (I copy and paste to speed this up), waiting for the call to be picked up, speaking with the "gatekeeper", negotiating reaching the right person (not necessarily the one on the sheet), and either speaking with the person or leaving a message. All these things have to happen within an average of 3.75 minutes on each call, and that's if everything goes right. I'm struggling with my calls per hour.

That's my complaint, I feel the requirement is unreasonable, that my managers who used to do this job could no longer perform it with the work flow we have to use, and that no one is listening when I tell them that. The reality I deny with my attitude of self-righteousness is that I would more likely gain an audience if I didn't passive aggressively fail the calls per hour by a huge margin. 5 or 8 calls per hour will not impress them that I really know what I'm talking about.

The spiritual side of this is the clear implication from my Master that this is what He has called me to. It may not be all, but it is certainly part, and a large part. When I take that passive aggressive stance, I am not just rebelling against a flawed system; I am also, in my prideful idolization of my opinion about the system, rebelling against my Master. That is what I need to understand, accept, and the reason I need to swallow my pride and perspective. I need to "re-frame" as my wife puts it. I need a paradigm shift to my Master's paradigm. I won't understand His paradigm, nor will I be able to see it in its entirety. This is a definitive point of submission. And I need to submit.

One benefit of submission is that my boss will be happy, another is my wife will be happy (she likes it when I'm employed), and my relationship with my Master will be better. I will more closely resemble that servant of the King He calls me to be, and is transforming me into. I want that, but I don't want to get there this way. I am a resistant mustang, and I need to be broken before my Master. I am never really free and I need to serve a better Master. So, excuse me while I go do what I do as fast as I can. If you're reading this and you're an accountant, if I call you and talk really fast, please forgive me. I'm just trying to fit what I do into 3.75 minutes. Maybe if it turns out to be 4 or 5 I will gain some forgiveness. I will aim for 3.75 and leave the rest to my Master. I may need to do an afternoon entry just to be accountable with this specific thing.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 5

My Master’s Empty-Hearted Clay Pot: That’s Where My Real Value Is

Chambers uses the same verse today; he just focuses on the first part, where Jesus gathers the disciples. Chambers' point is that to be gathered by Jesus I need to be available without any assumption I am needed or have something for my Master in and of myself. This is the "Poor in spirit" quality that will have a part in the Kingdom of Heaven. It is what actually makes what I am available to my Master.  Chambers says belief  that I actually bring something of value means I have my own ends to accomplish and am not totally available to Him. I don't know if I agree with that exactly, that I might have my own ends, but I do agree that it limits my availability.

I have a problem in this area that stems from my education. Before I started religious education I was probably more available to my Master because I didn't think I had what I needed to be of value. But religious education has a way of impressing a sense of value on the believer. The biggest area for me is that I don't approach Scripture like everyone else, which can be a problem, not necessarily a good thing. It feels different and can be a source of pride, as well as something I get attention for. My personal application is not great though. And since that is really the mark of understanding, it seems that my education hasn't done much for me where it counts most. All my education, and supposed understanding hasn't kept me from my addiction. Even with what I know, I am impoverished before my Master.

It's not that my education can't be used by my Master, nor is that education is bad, or that the school I attended was a problem. The problem is my attitude toward my knowledge. I have told my brilliant daughter that there will always be someone more knowledgeable. My experience has borne that out. Away from Fort Worth, I may seem "Bible-brilliant" but around that area, with two large seminaries, I'm pretty average. Why people don't move away from school would take up several blog entries, and I don't understand it anyway, so I won't bother.

Functionally, the knowledge serves a purpose as Paul's did him, but only as I bring it to my Master, surrender it to Him, and let Him show me what He can do with it. It is only as valuable as a sign-post of His glory. If it demonstrates my own, it's actually a distraction; a billboard rather than a sign-post. My application of this entry is to become the sign-post. As Jesus emptied Himself of His glory and became a man, I need to empty myself and come to Him. The value I have is as a clay pot containing the inexpressible glory of my Master. In that I am valuable to my Master; not the outward decoration or finish, but the inside empty space available for His storage. How open and empty is my heart, my mind, my life? Not empty enough. I think I might need the scrubber for some of this residue…and soap, lots of soap. Time to do the dish washing.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 4

Why Do I Do What I Do As I Do What I Do? Is It My Master or Me?

One of the aspects to my life with my Master that I still don't really understand is how much of what goes into my day is supposed to be my decision. And that may seem silly, but what I refer to are the decisions that go into every day that determine what I do, what I say, when I do or say whatever I say and do, and so on. Again, it may sound silly, but since I am not entirely clear on obedience and I do know I haven't been obedient to a large degree (how can an addict be obedient?), this is all new to me. I don't trust my own thoughts and decision-making skills. My best reasoning is what got me into this addiction.

What I do know is that my Master wants me to do my job. He wants me to do it well and not be irresponsible in it. He wants me to be kind and respectful of others. A lot of what I do in my job makes up the playing field of the Sermon on the Mount, with the notable exception that I'm not persecuted for my faith. I know that my Master wants me to treat my family well, love them and care for them. So there is much I do know, but when the work day is over, and I then make decisions about what I do, where I go, and so on, what part of that is my decision to make and what part is waiting obediently for my Master to decide?

Chambers uses Luke 18:31 where Jesus once again warns His disciples about what will happen when He gets to Jerusalem. Chambers makes the point that the purpose of the Father ruled the life of Jesus, and nothing deterred Him. So his application of that point is that the Father has a purpose we may not see, but compels us onward toward. From what Chambers says what service I may be involved in is mere "scaffolding" compared to the end purpose of my Master.

So, in the daily decisions, I usually just live and respond to my day with the hope that, as I draw closer to my Master, His Spirit lives out His purpose through me. That is a large hope, and stands frighteningly close to the paradigm of living my life hoping my Master follows and blesses what I do. If I submit my day and then regularly my minutes to my Master I should see my hope fulfilled. But I admit that events, small events, of my day begin and I am off running through the serpentine path of tasks without looking back or up. So how sure can I be that my hope that my Master influences me will be fulfilled?

Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation now for those in Christ Jesus. It uses a logical inference from 7:24 and 25 where the question is "Who will set me free from this body of sin and death?" And the answer is, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord." And these thanks are present even as Paul describes his situation thus far in his letter as, "With my mind I serve the law of God, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." That is the logical jumping-off point for there being now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. The bridge for such a leap is a new law introduced, the Law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus which has set me free from the law of sin and death.

This forms the connective tissue for me to hope that, in my life, the activities I do, as I submit myself to the person of the Spirit of my Master, I please Him. My hope is founded upon the belief that what I cannot do, He does in me, whether I am conscious of it or not. I hope that the fruit I bear is His because I am His. I can't, at any point in my day be pleasing to my Master because He cares little for the good I might accomplish. He wants my connection to Him. He wants me to rely and submit to Him, and let that be the source of any good I do. Since that is what He wants, I hope that as I write this He is the underlying impetus for whatever I do today. For I want whatever credit for my day to go to Him. Perhaps I should begin writing these in the evenings so I can recount my day, to see how I did. That would be scary, and probably very convicting for me.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 3

Standing In A Dark Place

It is this view of my Master Chambers uses today that causes me to wonder when the difficulty will come. He says there is no strength without strain, that my Master gives me the needed strength for the moment, not the entire week, month, year, or life-time. The strength is there as the effort is applied. This makes good sense when I consider Syrian General Naaman, the man born blind and the pool of Siloam, the 10 Lepers from Jericho, and so on. These miracles were completed in the midst of obedience or at the end. The lepers Jesus healed left for the priest still lepers, the man born blind walked blindly through the streets to the pool to wash, and Naaman wasn't healed until the seventh dip in the Jordan. There are other examples that I think also demonstrate the desire of my Master for me to obey without seeing the how or why first.


The danger comes when I want to see everything in place before I obey. I run aground when I start trying to chart my own path through a calling. I wind up left behind when I wait beyond clear direction for clear reasoning. These are dangers that I experience when I obey my fear before my Master. When I am afraid, and act or react in that fear, I am already wrong. I decided to come out to Nevada and made plans to do so before I saw the methods of provision from my Master. I was coming and I had no idea how my Master would provide, but I did know provision was His responsibility, not mine. It's not the servants' job to provide for their master in general, and my Master has no needs I can supply (no needs of any sort that I am aware of).


So, in the instance of coming out to Nevada, I followed this method of obeying blindly. I can testify that it works amazingly, and my Master amply supplied over and above my dreams and imagination. But it will not always be that easy. He may bring me to almost complete failure before success, or He may bring me to a sort of disaster which He considers the right arena for growing my faith. I fear enduring hardship; I have said it before. But I already know I endure anything because my real future is secure. I may not want to endure, but I already know my Master will enable and empower me to endure; intellectual knowledge, and not yet tried in the furnace of reality.


Desperate times produce desperate people doing foolish desperate things. A cousin of my wife's was kidnapped, robbed, severely beaten, and left for dead by a couple of guys who he bought a meal. They tried to kill him and thankfully did a poor job. I hope, because their hearts weren't in it, but the torture that he experienced instead was demeaning to his soul, not just to his body. They were caught and will pay a price for their deeds and poor decisions. Just blocks from our house a casino was robbed by gunmen, meth is a plague on this town, and marriages are in shambles. There is little safety to be had here, and lots of room to fear. But to what end? If I give in to the belief that my adversary rules this town, then how will I stand for my King?


The truth which may not seem obvious is that my Master is master of every acre of this planet. It may seem like His adversary rules vast tracts of human habitation, but it is an illusion. He is King with rebellious subjects, but King none the less. He does have an adversary, but this one is already defeated. I stand in the purpose and calling of my Master, not my own purpose and desires. I stand as a Knight of the Realm and Servant of the King, not as some hallucinating fool jousting with windmills. And I do not stand alone. If I did, I would gain the credit and attention. Instead my Master has called me to join with others He has called in standing in this depressed hopeless place. It will be my Master who gains the glory because I will be lost in the host of His army; a knight among knights, servant among servants. 


The result will be that I love people who I would otherwise fear. My calling is to reach out to my neighbors who I know little or nothing about. The work of my Master is coming, but in the time I wait, I will love those at hand; my family, the nearest neighbors, the store clerks, and restaurateurs. That's a lot of loving, and I'm not naturally inclined to do that. Practice, again practice. 


Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 2

Three Ways It’s not About Me; Disappointment or Relief?

It's August 1, and July is over. The summer begins to wind down from here, but August is a month without automatic breaks. There are no holidays in August, and the heat is usually the most intense during this month. I have a brother-in-law who said, "There's just no reason for August in Texas." But I think that's true in most states. So it has been a month that we have been here in Northern Nevada, and we are still waiting on my Master. And everyone's ok with this?

Well, I really needed the entry for today. It's made up of three very short entries, and only one specific passage (Matthew 11:1) which is really a segue from one narrative to another. What Chambers brings out about Jesus is that often His commands are connected to where and what He teaches. That may seem like an obvious point, but my behavior implies otherwise. I'll take the point, my confession, and my personal need for application one at a time.

He Comes Where He Commands Us To Leave: In other words, until we leave a place, He is not entirely free to go there and teach. Chambers point is that I am in the way until I obey my Master, and allow my Master to teach. This is true even in a figurative sense. I have a character quality that I do not like to give up, to give the impression that something has beaten me. To this end, I have limited myself to those things I was pretty sure I could accomplish. But in another sense, I don't like to let things go when they're not doing well. I didn't want to leave the place I ministered in Texas back in the mid-90's when school ended, but I needed to leave. I didn't want to leave Idaho, but it became clear that I needed to. I was in the way, and the people were so focused on me and my mistakes or personality (not positively) that they were distracted from my Master. I had to leave so He could have His way with them. I wanted to be Moses and intercede with my Master to let me stay, but He didn't tell me He wanted to destroy them, so it was not exactly the same thing (although He did remove the church, and I did want Him to in my bitterness and resentment – fuelling my addiction to new heights for several years – I was in desperate need of a 4th Step). I left, and school, for them, truly began.

He teaches where He tells us not to: Am I too noisy for others to hear my Master? This is a very closely related point, except for the "leaving" aspect. This is where my Master tells me to stop teaching (speaking), but hang around to see what He does. For my Master's work in my life, it shows that my Master does not need me to get His message across. I sometimes can become a hindrance, well-meaning perhaps (though usually self-centered and/or prideful), but a hindrance all the same. When I step back, I get a chance to see my Master work and I am allowed to fade into the scenery. This is hard for me to see for the same reason mentioned before, I hate to quit; both for the appearance and for the personal failure it implies. And yet, I need that appearance, and I need to accept that failure. I need to be the servant of the king, not the king. Sure I may be an ambassador for Jesus, my Master and King; but when the King comes, I no longer need to speak on His behalf, He's here. This is where I learn to shut up, and listen to my Master's teaching along with everyone else.

He works where He tells us to wait: And this brings us to my present situation. It's not passive waiting, as I have mentioned, I am to wait, worship, and walk before Him. I am to walk before the One loving me, having my back, and the One I serve. I know what I am supposed to be doing while I'm waiting. I'm supposed to live in a manner worthy of the calling of my Master. What else? It' so obvious, and yet I want the drama, the central role, even if it is a supporting role. I want to be "out there" doing what I do best. Silly man, or more accurately, foolish man, why is it not enough to live before my Master where He has placed me. The preacher yesterday spoke of relationally ministering right where I live. Is that not enough for me? Do I also need to appear the "religious man" or whatever? I am called to be a priest, as he said, but not a "shaman". It's not about me; it's about the love of my Master for them. They understand that through witnessing His love for me. So that is what I need to show them, not that I am smart (that's just not that interesting).

So, my application for today is to live my moments in a manner worthy of my Master's calling on my life. I am to be the Knight of the Realm, Servant of the King just as He has designated me. I won't do it perfectly but in practice my practice will become more successful. I need to bear in mind that I have not earned this calling, but rather was called to something beyond me. Movies are made on such themes, but they bring them to fruition in ninety minutes. My path will be a lot longer. As I answer the phone, or make a call, or write an email, or make an account note, or speak with my co-workers or boss; I will answer, call, write, or speak as the knight and servant I have been called to be. And my Master will shine forth as I fade into the scenery, no sunset shot for me, bows and adulation and roses for Him; all will be as it should be.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 1